Guide To How To Get The Sex
Listen up, all you fuckholes. You’ve wasted your spring sitting in front of a computer screen, tormenting yourself with images of porn, people far more beautiful and happy than you could ever be, fucking and sucking in ways you will only ever dream of. Don’t deny it. I can almost smell the desperation and self-disgust, the symphony of a million useless, lifeless, lonely people frantically masturbating themselves to weak orgasms, wishing endlessly that they, too, might one day find that most golden of treasures, a Hot Chick Who Fucks, and finally Get Some, just like the thick-dicked faceless men they see paraded before the porn starlets on their computer screen. God, you can almost taste those vaginal juices flowing like a river of sex right there, right in front of you. You want it. You want the sex. More than anything else in this world, you want to get the sex.
But you never will, will you? (more…)
Hi OMGJeremy readers, Jeremy P here. I’m working on a few awesome and new things (well, at least new), but none of them are ready because I lost all my fingers in a horrific cheese grating incident. Instead of slopping out a half-assed, short article, I am reposting a series of articles I wrote a while ago on Seaman. Some people have honestly requested we repost these, and I still find them funny now, so here you go. Other sites just keep archives, but here at OMGJeremy we like to tear down and recreate our entire site about 3 times a year, so there is no archive to speak of. We have to painstakingly recreate all these old articles, which (in my opinion) is actually harder than just rewriting them. In case you are unaware, Seaman came out 10 years ago on the ill-fated Sega Dreamcast. It was the first game to use a microphone for the system, and the whole deal was it was more or less a virtual fish with a man’s face that would respond when you talked to it. I decided to document my seaman from birth to death, and broke it up into 6 parts with daily updates. So, please enjoy a piece of OMGJeremy history, hopefully it’s still funny even though Seaman itself is just another page in the annals of gaming history. 
Tobal #1 is fucking horrible. There, I just wrote this whole review. Even if you say you like Tobal, you know in your heart that the game is a terrible mess of a fighting game. And while you’re at it you may as well admit that the only reason you ever bought it was because it came with a demo of Final Fantasy VII. Don’t even act like you didn’t, because we all did. We are all guilty of making Tobal #1 a mild success, and none of us even wanted or played the fucking game. The shittiest thing about Tobal though? Even after we all spent fifty bucks for a demo and a shitty fighting game, they didn’t even have the heart to release the sequel here, which turned out to be one of the best fighting games on the PSX. Fuck you, Square. 
In this modern day and age, human beings are often too caught up in their busy lives. They have work to do, bills to pay, stressful situations to cope with, and entertaining distractions galore. These distractions are what people currently use to “unwind” from their other stresses, but they aren’t really that relaxing. Not like the meditations of yesteryear. Or at least the peaceful sitting out on the back porch and reflecting on life and your problems while watching the sunset. Perhaps you would also be sipping on an iced tea and sitting in comfortable silence with your good friend and hound dog, listening to the ambient noises of your small neighborhood and feeling glad. 
Let’s talk about confusing games for a minute. Ever played one? You know, those kinds of games that seem to rely on you having an intimate first-hand knowledge of everything the designers were trying to do with the game while they were designing it? Or maybe having to go through endless parts of a game that are barely described or hinted at as to how to finish them? Sure you have. Everyone has. These types of games were almost common in the late era of Atari the 2600 (Indiana Jones, D&D, etc), and have been giving gamers headaches ever since. Tomba here just happens to be one of those games. It’s a bright, colorful, confusing mess of epic sidescrolling proportions. All wrapped up in a hasty Japanese translation that does nothing but make things worse. Oh Tomba, you had so much going for you. Just minus anything that made it so people could actually finish much of the game. Bummer.
I woke up around 12:30 Sunday afternoon. This is out of my normal range of get-up times; it was a late night the night before, so thus the late sleeping. I had a friend over, and we were planning on spending the day watching old mid-80′s wrestling tapes and going to a local indy show that night. Then I got a phone call.
Jeremy tells another life story. I interpreted it my way. It’s probably all accurate. Or at least Accurate Enough, which is all I feel obligated to the world to provide. 
I should probably be less enthusiastic about this, but I really enjoy a good yard sale. A lot. I’m not exactly sure why, though. Perhaps it stems from the lurid fascination of rummaging through strange people’s twenty year-old collection of dust-encrusted junk that no one on Earth would ever want to purchase outside of such an event. And while virtually everything in yard sales is total and absolute shit, I simply cannot get enough of it. Besides, I honestly don’t know where you could ever have the chance to purchase used dentures for 10 cents anywhere else but a yard sale.
