OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Elven Bride

I know the general lack of hentai reviews has been annoying lately, but this all seems to stem from my severe hatred of writing them, which if you put two and two together, probably equals four. But I’m not here today to teach you about math, or to even apologize for inserting a really bad joke for the very first line of this review. No, I’m here today briefly throw away my hatred for all things hentai movie related to review yet another hentai movie for you to skim over until you find the pictures with nudity in it, and point it out to your slack-jawed friend sitting next to you. Yes, it’s hentai review time again.

I would go into some long introduction for today’s hentai movie here, but I’ll save that for the next paragraph. What I want to explain here is that lately I have found myself more than slightly disinterested with anime in general, not just hentai. Maybe it’s the slow but steady move from large feature movies to more episodic anime. I’m not saying the quality drops when the format is in episodes instead of movies, because that’s usually not the case at all, and usually the exact opposite. But my complaint stems from the fact that ever since I reached an age where I have to act like a responsible adult, and no longer have large chunks of free time to watch all the anime I want to watch, it has become hard for me to watch any type of anime at length. And it gets even harder when the anime is in episodes, which depending on the anime, can take a good chunk of your life away just watching one season of it. I simply don’t have the time anymore. Long gone it seems are the days when I felt my day was productive if I managed to put pants on. Now I find myself working 40 hours a week, trying to juggle a full time job, a website, friends, and enough time in between that to have sex with my girlfriend. Anime is having to take a backseat lately. At least until I can figure out how to have sex with anime. And the last time I tried that, it just ended in depression. A lot of depression.

This all leads up to today’s hentai movie, and many others like it. Instead of going the movie route, and making one complete movie that I can sit down, review, and then hopefully forget about soon thereafter, more new hentai are being made in the episode format. There are several reasons for this it seems. One is that it’s ultimately cheaper for the studio to produce a half hour film to see how well it might do, instead of making a huge movie, only to have it bomb horribly, causing the director to have his intestines cut out of him due to those crazy Japanese laws. There’s also the idea that it’s much faster to crank out a half hour of pure mind-altering shit than an hour and half of pure mind-altering shit. But ultimately it all comes down to the fact that whatever God-like being watches over humanity really, really hates me, and decides to make these damn movies spread out over as many episodes as possible, just so I have to sit and watch this shit to review it, which is exactly the situation I find myself in today with Elven Bride, today’s futile attempt at animated porn.

Being that Elven Bride is in episodes, and could possibly contain way more than the 3 episodes I saw available, I’m going to play it safe and just review the first episode, which after viewing it, is way more than I think is worth my time. Elven Bride is your typical “humorous” hentai movie that seems to focus less on hardcore money shots, and more on boobs and strange sexual situations, with the occasional underaged girl that grows a penis thrown in for good measure. F3 is a perfect example of this, and if there was one thing I learned while reviewing the three episodes in the F3 series, it was that no matter how hard hentai movies may try, they are never, ever funny. This carries over to Elven Bride, which seems very close to what F3 was, and that’s more than scary enough by itself. Except that Elven Bride doesn’t seem to focus on a teenage girl that can’t bring herself to orgasm, and this time seems to focus on an elf girl whose vagina is too small. I sometimes wonder if it’s possible to ever not be surprised at hentai. Just when we had finally gotten all the shemale antics out of the way, Elven Bride throws a 1000 mph curve ball straight into my face with small vaginas. I never saw it coming.

Elven Bride begins with a wedding. But not just any ordinary wedding. No, this wedding is between a human and an elf in some kind of weird alternate fantasy universe that seems to be made of every fantasy cliche ever imagined. It seems in the strange generic fantasy world, humans and elves are frowned upon if they marry each other, which is further emphasized every other second of the movie by people who frown and point and say racist things about elves. But our soon-to-be-husband-of-one-hot-bitch-assed-elf obviously isn’t concerned about what the Man thinks of his wife, and seems to be more concerned about getting to the honeymoon, where some hard boot knockin’ will surely occur.

Our hero lays down his new wife, steadily macking over the course of a few minutes until she practically begs him to stick it in when she says, “Stick it in.” Our hero does so, only to quickly discover his wife is screaming in pain. And not the good kind of pain John Mellancamp wrote about either. No, our hero isn’t making it “hurt so good” and is instead ripping the elf in half it would seem. But why is this? It seems after further investigation, our hero finds that his wife’s vagina is way too small, and nowhere near big enough to sport his thriving meathammer. So what’s a guy to do when he can’t even have sex with his own wife? Obviously forgo anal altogether, and just up and go on a huge assed mystical quest for something called “harpy ooze.” C’mon kids, use your imaginations.

Vowing to his wife that he’ll return with the mystical harpy ooze lubricant, our hero dons his best RPG equipment, and goes to the nearest mountain to find some harpies to lay the smack on. He doesn’t have to wait very long, as he is soon attacked by a giant bird thing with boobs and a long tongue. His immediate reaction, like anyone who has just encountered a giant bird with breasts, is to kill it immediately. His murderous rampage is cut short though, as a girl with wings quickly appears begging him not to do any harm to the grotesque mutated bird thing, and instead ties him up and flies away with our hero.

This strange girl seems to be a mix between harpies and humans, I only know this since the movie told me via convenient subtitles. God forbid I ever start drawing inferences from hentai movies on my own, as I’m pretty sure that would signal that my decent into insanity is well underway. The harpy human takes our hero back to harpy world where she locks him in a room, and tells him to wait for her. But the hilarious thing is that our hero has no idea what the harpy girl is going to use him for! Well, it seems these harpy humans are unable to give birth to other harpy humans unless they get their roll on with a human male. And now it seems this harpy girl has chosen our hero as her mate! Okay, so it wasn’t so hilarious after all. But I did get to use two exclamation points, and if I use caPS LOCK RIGHT NOW I CAN FULFILL MY EXCITEMENT QUOTA FOR THIS ARTICLE IN ONE HANDY PARAGRAPH! Ooooh, three exclamation points. Look at that skill.

Anyway, our hero shows he’s not very strong in the “being seduced” category, as our underaged harpy girl quickly puts the fellat in fellatio, and then goes right into missionary position #3 (on top, slightly leaned backward) and shows our hero what the phrase “You’re fucking a twelve-year-old girl” really means.

But out of nowhere, our hero finds something deep down inside of him and decides he’s not gonna play the bitch here. No, it’s time to show this young slut who’s boss by grinding doggystyle until she gives up the harpy juice. He does so, and the harpy juice is his. Another job well done. Don’t ask where the harpy juice came from either.

Meanwhile, back home, the elf is busy being hated on by everyone in town. She even has to put up with small children throwing things at her and not being able to buy anything she wants without people saying horrible things to her, or upping the price to unheard of levels. Think of it as shopping in a modern day mall, and you should get the idea of what our elf girl is going through. Just without the constant techno blaring through speakers. Things quickly turn ugly though as a giant dragon pulling a cart gets pissed off and goes hog wild by smashing into things and making sound effects. It quickly turns towards the elf, but she knocks it back with her elf magic that I was largely unaware that she had. And you know what that means, yes, it’s time to rate some shitty hentai magic!

Lame Hentai Elf Magic Boxout #67

Magic: She turns pink, and shoots a pink beam
Effect Coolness: It’s bright and it’s pink.
Spell Casting Animation: Standard Sailor Moon “Zoom the camera all over the fucking place while lights flash” animation
Spell Effect: Flashed the screen pink.
Overall Spell Rating: 1 star out of 4

But even with the elf’s giant pink blast, it doesn’t stop the dragon from going insane, only now it’s targeting the three kids that were throwing stuff at her earlier. But being the kind elf she is, she simply doesn’t laugh and watch as the dragon tears the children’s organs out of their faces. No, she punks out and actually puts herself in front of the kids, protecting them from imminent death, or at least until the dragon finishes killing her.The dragon comes down for the kill, only to find itself busted upside from the face by…by…

OUR HERO!

Yes, the hero has returned from his erotic harpy escapades to save his adoring wife just in time. Hooray for lame rescues!

With the day saved our hero takes his wife back to the house with his newly acquired harpy juice. The scene takes up right where they left off last time, and he begins to apply the harpy juice. His attempts fail once again though, as no matter how much juice he applies, he simply can’t put his junk in. It’s a sad day for our hero. He realizes it’s all but impossible to have sex with his wife, and he totally just passed up a hot assed harpy bitch for this.

But before he’s able to get too depressed, he suddenly notices something about his wife that he must have never noticed before: Her breasts. And if you’re a guy reading this, you probably know that when you’re horny enough, just about any part on a girl suddenly becomes fuckable. Our hero realizes that if he can’t have her vagina, or isn’t smart enough to go for anal, or even a goddamn handjob, then he’s gonna get one hell of a titfuck by God. And that’s exactly what he does. Did I mention this is the best ending to a hentai movie ever? Well if I did, I was lying, because this is shit.

Our hero, now totally satisfied with his wife’s ability to wrap her breasts around his penis, is happy once again with life. Our hero’s wife, content with that she never, ever has to have sex with him seems to be happy as well. Things get even better when the children our hero and the elf saved earlier secretly bring them a basket of all the things the elf tried to buy earlier but couldn’t. And with that, everything seems to be tied up into one neat little package, and the credits roll. At least until episode 2, and episode 3, and God knows how many after that.

Oh well. I guess not having a lot of time can be a good thing sometimes. If I actually had a ton of free time, I might actually have an excuse to review the next few episodes of Elven Bride. As it stands now though, I think I’d rather fill up my time with anything I can to keep me from ever seeing the further adventures of a hentai movie that based its entire first episode on a small vagina. But then again, I suppose there are worse ways to spend my time.

No, wait. I was lying again.