OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Leprechaun 3

I took a break from Leprechauns, maybe an hour or so, I ordered a pizza and probably watched some porn, and then came back to start reviewing the third. At some point, and I don’t clearly remember why anymore, I decided that I should write the entire thing in rhyme. I’m actually pretty impressed by this, since I had forgotten I did this until now. It holds up sort of well, I suppose– at least as well as the actual movie. Clearly I was not doing well at this point.

Ok. I just took a short sanity break but it’s not helping. My head is numb with the dumbness of these movies. And, to make it all worse, I have this amazing urge to rhyme constantly now. I’m not sure if I should keep watching these movies, but I will continue. I’ve ordered a pizza, and turned down the lights… I’ve got myself settled for a Leprechaun night. OH MY GOD, I CAN’T STOP! I’ll have to rhyme until I drop.

These stories must start in the strangest of places...

And this one will start in the glitz of Las Vegas.
An old man brings a bag to the pawn shop seen here,
And he gives it to the owner, and then runs out in fear.

But he does give a warning, which will soon go unheeded.
“Don’t take off that medallion!” the poor old man pleaded.
But if that message was followed, this movie would suck,
And the shopkeeper takes it, so we are in luck.

The medallion was taken for it might be sold...

But instead of a statue, there lay a pot of gold!
So the greedy man took it, for it was found in his shop,
But he had no idea of what he’d woken up.

The Leprechaun woke up, and this man had his gold...

And a Leprechaun’s fury has no bounds, I’ve been told.
So he leapt on the man, and he bit off his ear,
But the man accidentally saw the Leprechaun’s fear.

"The medallion! He fears it!" the shopkeeper exclaimed...

Here is our hero, Scott, and his newfound friend, Tammy...

He’s a kid from the suburbs of someplace like Miami.
And he’s driving through Vegas, on the way to his school,
But, he gets hooked on the gambling while in Vegas, that fool!

And Tammy, sweet Tammy, is a magician’s assistant.
She’s working in Vegas to earn money to leave it.
But these two separate paths have connected this day,
And they will need each other more than I’d care to say.

Meanwhile, the Leprechaun counts up his money...

He’s missing one coin, and lost gold is not funny.
“The shopkeeper must have it”, the Leprechaun thought,
“A shopkeeper stealing from me? I think not!”

So, he goes to the pawn shop, to go find the thief.
The shopkeeper died quickly, from a club to the teeth.
But the Leprechaun’s last coin was hidden from sight,
But then Scott he did find it, on this strangest of nights.

A wish will be granted, for each piece of gold...

All you do is just wish it, while the gold piece you hold.
And what Scott wishes for isn’t shocking or funny,
“I wish I was back at that table, winning back all my money!”

And his money is won back, and he wins even more.
But then, Tammy spots Scott on the casino’s packed floor.
“You have to leave Vegas,” the wise Tammy warned Scott,
“They will kill you for all of that money you’ve got”.

Fazio the Magician (who Tammy works for)...

And Loretta, the has-been, are scanning the floor.
They are looking for Scott, so that they’ll steal his money,
And all Loretta wants is “that shiny coin, honey.”

So, Fazio sneaks into Scott’s hotel suite,
And he takes the coin quickly and he runs out, toot-sweet.
But our hero has worse things to worry about,
For the Leprechaun’s angry, and Scott’s luck has run out.

While Scott tries to fight off the Leprechaun's blows...

The Leprechaun bites him (as that picture shows),
But then Scott takes the midget and flings it off the 10th floor,
But the Leprechaun comes back, and more mad than before.

And the Leprechaun’s coin changes hands a few times,
And for each of them their wish has made them sublime.
But they will not live through the end of the night,
For the Leprechaun’s coming, and he’ll kill give them a fright.

The Casino Owner

The first one to make a wish is a rather large man...

And he wishes for hot sex, that is his demand.
And while he finds someone to fulfill his needs,
The Leprechaun’s torture is shocking indeed!

oh my!

Loretta

Loretta, the has-been, made a wish to be hot...

But the Leprechaun fixed her, she got more than she bought.
Her ass grew much bigger, and so did her lips,
And the old bitch exploded, from her inflatable tits.

So hot!

Fazio

Fazio was a man full of ambition...

All he wanted to be was the worlds best magician.
The Leprechaun guaranteed his act would be great,
But it was just one show only, and that was his fate.

Too bad it's the best and last trick Fazio was ever able to create!

But let us now check on our hero, young Scott.
It seems he’s in trouble, I’d say he’s in lots.
For the Leprechaun bite that he has on his arm,
Is beginning to change him, and cause him more harm.

Scott has been changing, and the change has been fast...

At first, just an accent, and he used the word “Lass.”
But then he ate potatoes, and his eyebrows got long,
And he began to use magic… wait! He’s a Leprechaun!

But they knew how to stop it, how to end Scott’s new curse.
And they had to act quickly, before it got worse.
So they found the old Leprechaun, at poor Fazio’s act,
And the showdown had started, now there’s no turning back.

The Leprechaun here was not stopped with a clover...

Or a wrought-iron shaft that was welded in Dover.
But the way that these two stopped the Leprechaun cold,
Was to destroy the green bastard by melting his gold!

As the fires grew slowly, and melted the gold...

The Leprechaun lit on fire (he should have stopped, dropped, and rolled)
But instead he just burned up, and then left no trace.
And Scott was soon back with his beautiful face.

And now it is over, and the day has been saved...

The Leprechaun was sent to go lay in his grave.
And now I’m getting tired, and I’m hating these flicks,
But I am not surprised that I don’t attract chicks.

At this point it was midnight, and I was just over halfway to my goal. Since I was “on a roll” and probably pretty proud of my horrible rhyming movie review, I dove right into Leprechaun 4 : Leprechaun in Space. And I made it all of 15 minutes in and fucking lost it. I just got filled with rage and ripped the tape out of the VCR. I don’t even remember exactly what I was so pissed about, but at this point I turned off my computer and anything else electric in my room, and sat in the darkness until I passed out. I woke up the next day and just decided that three Leprechaun movies are already three too many, edited them up, and posted them with the promise to finish the remaining films. Well, it’s been 8 years, and I’m still working on that promise. This month I will re-challenge Leprechaun 4, and I will be victorious. I still consider it to be the worst movie I’ve ever seen, so it should be extra painful to watch again. Check back to OMGJeremy next week, when we will see how stupid a movie can be that is essentially an Alien Ripoff with our friend the Leprechaun.