OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Leprechaun 2

Ok, so Leprechaun wasn’t too painful. I was still in pretty good spirits at this point, and started working on Leprechaun 2 first thing in the morning on Saturday. By my estimates I would be done with number two by noon. Essentially I lived in one bedroom of a friend’s house when I wrote this, so for the entire weekend, other than using the bathroom and answering the door when I ordered a pizza, I was in my room this entire time, with little to no human contact. I’m beginning to grow tired of the Leprechaun even at the start of this though, but I was determined. I had also never seen any Leprechaun other than the original, and “Leprechaun in the Hood,” so I didn’t realize exactly how bad these were going to be. I present to you Leprechaun 2.

Round 2. I think that I can make it all the way through these, but we’ll see. The last two look absolutely horrible. At this point I’ve demolished a bag of Doritos and had a full 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Here’s a warning to all the kids out there : BOOBIES ALERT! THERE WILL BE BOOBIES HERE! And I’m not lying. I wouldn’t lie about boobies, that’s a sacred trust. So, onto the boobies… I mean movie.

Boobies aren't this soon, relax and put your pants back on.

This is poor old Mr. O’Day, a poor irishman who was foolish enough to try and trap the Leprechaun to obtain his gold. Unfortunately, he failed and is now forced to be the Leprechaun’s slave. Just to clear things up, this doesn’t appear to be the same Leprechaun as in the first movie. It might be, but it doesn’t specifically say it is. So lets go with the assumption that it is not the same Leprechaun, and that will make the whole movie that much more believable.

Now, O’Day has been the Leprechaun’s servant for a while now, and he’d like to leave. The Leprechaun makes him a deal. On St. Patrick’s Day he can attempt to find a bride, and if she sneezes three times, she will be his forever. So the Leprechaun offers O’Day his freedom if O’Day helps him get the apple of his eye. O’Day agrees, but soon regrets his hasty decision because… the Leprechaun chose his daughter! O’Day tricks the Leprechaun somehow (I say somehow because I’m really not sure what he did… he said “Bless you” and apparently that negates the sneeze, or something…) and O’Day is killed by the enraged Leprechaun. But, before he kills O’Day, the Leprechaun pledges to find the most beautiful of his bloodline in the future, and she will become his. O’Day falls to the ground dead, and we shift 1,000 years into the future, on St. Patrick’s Day.

Our hero and heroine. Marvel at their unimpressiveness!

This is Cody and Bridget. Bridget is the descendant of Mr. O’Day, and the Leprechaun has picked her as the most beautiful member of his bloodline, and he’s come to collect his bride. Now, she isn’t ugly, at least I don’t think so. But is she the best that the O’Day lineage had to offer? I find that hard to believe, but maybe they have a lot of hunchbacks and lepers in their family. Cody and Bridget are an item, but there’s one small problem (and I don’t mean the Leprechaun), and that is Cody’s shitty job. He helps his old, drunk friend run a Hollywood Horrors tour. Basically they find tourists to drive around to the spots where famous people died. It’s a pretty crappy job, but it gives Cody the money to go on dates with a semi-hot girl, so it’s normally not so shitty.

Today, however, is a bad day. Not only is he working and not going out with a growingly impatient Bridget, but he can’t seem to find his drunk partner, Marty. Since it’s St. Patrick’s Day and Marty is apparently supposed to be somewhat Irish, Cody finds him at the local bar, where he is far too drunk to drive anywhere.

I'm supposed to be Irish.

Marty isn’t in the right mode to drive, but he and Cody need the money, so he drops Bridget off at the local Go-Kart track to meet their friends, and Cody drives the newest round of suckers on the tour.

The tour itself is boring and long and completely unnecessary, so I’ll get right to the important part. They pass the ruins of a building that is rumored to be Houdini’s old estate, and an old homeless man scares Cody and he drives away. The homeless man then takes his bottle of whiskey and wanders into the estate to a tree that was donated to Houdini by the people of Ireland. The homeless man watches in horror/drunken stupor as the tree opens up and…

The REAL hero of this movie.

The Leprechaun has arrived! He is here for his bride, but does that sidetrack his natural love for gold? No! He sees a gold tooth in the homeless man’s mouth and he rips it out. This isn’t your father’s Leprechaun! … What the hell am I typing?! I think this is starting to get to me… But the point is still that the Leprechaun is here to kick ass. But where is the future bride?

"Hi, have you met my friend, Nameless Meat?"

She is being dropped off at home by a friend that wants to take Cody’s place as her boyfriend. He tries to invite himself in, but she doesn’t let him, and actually punches him in the stomach. Rejected, the boy heads out to the car, but hears something in the garage. This leads us to :

The Best Death in all 5 Leprechaun Movies

Let’s set the scene. Nameless Boy (who will now be referred to as “N.B.”) comes into the garage as Bridget beckons him to come in. As he comes closer she takes off her shirt, and begins to dance. The boy comes closer still, and kneels down in front of Bridget and…

HOORAY!!

WE’VE GOT BOOBIES!!

(Insert Fanfare Here)

Sweet, sweet, boobies… And as any red-blooded man would do, N.B. gets into it and begins slowly moving his head towards them. But the Leprechaun is clever, and she is just an illusion. But what is he really holding?

A Whirly Death Machine!

I’m not sure what the hell this thing actually is, but it definately was not designed for kissing. But, N.B. has no idea of reality and pushes his face forwards and the Leprechaun laughs and… camera turns away. Aww…

Back to Cody. Cody was arrested for speeding and other assorted crimes that will happen when you illegally run a business from your car, and he gets bailed out by Marty. Marty tells him to go after Bridget, and Cody does what all hopeless men do… buys flowers. I can’t stress this enough, guys… buy your girl flowers. I mean, first check and see if they are allergic to flowers, but then, buy them flowers. It will get you out of trouble and/or into bed. It works.

But they don’t get a chance to make hot monkey love, because guess who shows up? Kirk Cameron. No wait… the Leprechaun.

Surprise!

I’ll also point out that starting in this movie the Leprechaun rhymes almost all of his lines. Hey! That rhymed too! I must go outside after I finish this review… or I’m sure I’ll go insane. But the Leprechaun chases Bridget around the house, makes her sneeze, and takes her back to his lair. Cody is now alone, but he has managed to get one of the Leprechaun’s gold coins.

Mission: Success.

So, the Leprechaun has gotten his girl, and he is happy and everyone dances and fade to black, right? Of course not, because Cody has one of the Leprechaun’s coins! And even though the Leprechaun hasn’t had sex in over 1,000 years, he decides it can wait again, and he must go find Cody. You know, I could have had sex 10 minutes previous, but I think I’d let that coin go. But on the other hand, I’m not a midget with a green hat, so I suppose I don’t understand.

He finds Cody hanging out with Marty, and hiding from the cops. See, his girlfriend and N.B. are missing, and since he was just arrested, he’s obviously a bad kid, so he must have killed them both. The Leprechaun chases them out the window, and a protective wrought-iron grate falls over the window. The Leprechaun tries to push it out of the way, but an important plot point happens!

Imagine that this picture didn't suck so bad... his hands are smoking and he is screaming.

Wrought-Iron damages Leprechauns. Apparently that is another rule of being a Leprechaun. In any case, ignore the four-leaf clovers and shoe fetish. Wrought-iron is how the cool kids hurt Leprechauns. This must be important, so remember it. But, Cody and Marty need to hide from the Leprechaun to make a plan, so they go where I’d go to hide from a Leprechaun. An Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day… what a bad fucking idea.

To make the situation worse, Cody thinks he sees the Leprechaun everywhere. You know why? Because this bar is filled with costumed midgets. Honestly. Look!

MIDGETS

IN

COSTUMES!!

There are more midgets per capita in this town than in the land of Oz.

But, the Leprechaun does find them, and all hope is lost… but then Marty comes up with a genius plan! He will challenge the Leprechaun in a drinking contest! Marty cleverly drinks shots of water, while the Leprechaun finishes off a bottle of whisky (“Only Irish Whiskey will do!”) and gets too drunk to catch Cody.

Ok. Now I feel insulted by the levels of stupidity shown here.

Marty and Cody try to trap the Leprechaun into releasing Bridget, but the Leprechaun outsmarts them by hitting Marty on the head with an ashtray, and he manages to escape. He goes where all good drunks go when they can’t go home.

A coffee bar.

However, the man that works at the coffee bar decides he’s tired of this costumed drunk midget, and he begins making jokes about how stupid the Leprechaun looks. This causes the Leprechaun to get angry, and he manages to boil the coffee bar workers face right off of his head.

A pretty good death, but it's no Boobies into Blades...

After he kills the coffee bar man, he again tries to find Cody to go get his coin back. Cody and Marty are way ahead of him, however, and decide they will trap him in a wrought-iron safe, which conveniently is located at the Go Kart track. They rig a trap up so that the Leprechaun will run through the door and directly into this giant safe. However, Marty decides he’s got a better plan than to save Bridget, and he locks Cody in a closet. The trap is sprung and you’ve got one trapped and severely pissed off Leprechaun.

The prison that surely can't fail!

Marty wishes for the Leprechaun’s pot of gold, and he gets it… but of course there is a catch… the Leprechaun makes the pot appear inside Marty’s stomach, and Marty lets the Leprechaun out of the safe to remove the pot… and remove he does.

Just stupid.

The Leprechaun rips the pot out of Marty’s stomach, killing him, and he turns his attention back to Cody who has the last coin. Cody manages to escape, but the Leprechaun hunts him down in a GoKart and tries to run him over… but he can’t. Apparently, if someone has a piece of a Leprechaun’s gold, they can’t be hurt by that Leprechaun. Ignore the fact that in the last movie the Leprechaun had no such rules, and go with it. Trust me. If you read / watch all five of these, by the end all you are sure of is that you’ve wasted a lot of time.

With the newfound knowledge that he is impervious from Leprechaun inflicted damage, Cody goes to Houdini’s estate and climbs in the tree to go save his girlfriend. He runs through a maze, and nothing really happens, so we’ll skip that and get to this.

Reunited lovers!

Cody finds Bridget! YAY! Cody finds the Leprechaun! BOO. The Leprechaun manages to overlook his previous “I can’t hurt you with the coin” and fights with Cody for another 10 minutes or so, but then Cody takes a lesson from Alex (the younger kid from the first movie) and decides to use the knowledge he has gained to defeat the Leprechaun once and for all! But he needs some witty phrase! What can he say?! He can say…

"Have you had your iron today?"

That line is nowhere near as good as “Fuck You, Lucky Charms”, but it’s still really, really lame. So the Leprechaun takes the iron bar through the chest.

He begins to glow and...

... HE EXPLODES! YAY!

So Cody and Bridget escape the Leprechaun’s lair before it crumbles (because apparently that was a load-bearing Leprechaun) and they live happily ever after. I need to leave the house. I must stop watching these…

So at this point, it is well past my estimated ending of noon. It’s closer to 4pm, and getting dark. I spent about 8 hours watching and writing about Leprechaun 2, and I still had more of these damn things I was theoretically going to review. Add in that Leprechaun 2 wasn’t really good, and that 3 looks to be far worse. Did I forget to mention that the Leprechaun speaks in rhymes? Still, I forged ahead, and started my review of Leprechaun 3, where I might have snapped and didn’t notice it at the time.