Equine Society is a complicated system, thousands of years old. Human beings have no right to stick their noses into all of that and try to “right” perceived “wrongs.” Let the horses do it themselves. Ugh, I tell you. Human arrogance always does more harm than good in the end. (more…)
When I get tired of playing whatever time sink I’ve recently devoted my time to, I’ve been throwing in Warioware DIY. If you’re unfamiliar with what Warioware is, it’s essentially a game based on very quick “microgames” that can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to, well, not much longer than a couple of seconds. The idea of DIY is that you make your own collection of microgames to play, share them with friends, and download their stuff as well. So you know that one racist game you’ve been wanting to make about a butt and a few choice religious figures? Well here’s your chance to shine for all that can bare witness to it. (more…)
I know the general lack of hentai reviews has been annoying lately, but this all seems to stem from my severe hatred of writing them, which if you put two and two together, probably equals four. But I’m not here today to teach you about math, or to even apologize for inserting a really bad joke for the very first line of this review. No, I’m here today briefly throw away my hatred for all things hentai movie related to review yet another hentai movie for you to skim over until you find the pictures with nudity in it, and point it out to your slack-jawed friend sitting next to you. Yes, it’s hentai review time again. (more…)
When I post a very late review of a game (as in a year or more from release), it is usually for one of two reasons:
Nothing wrong with either of those reasons, really. It’s perfectly justifiable to turn your nose up at the initial $60 most games ask for. I have a hard time spending $60 on anything. Hell, I have a hard time spending $30 or $40 on something unless it’s a game I can’t do without or it has a whole bunch of bouncing tits in it… which is why Rufus completely sold me on Street Fighter 4. I do check out the reviews of some of the larger gaming sites, but I don’t really take any of that to heart. It’s interesting enough to read, but then I recall how it seems that every game that has ads plastered on the site gets amazing reviews. I’m just saying, it’s a little odd. None of the reviews were positive, but as I said… I’m not really factoring those in. I was going to figure out how I felt about this game on my own, and I would do that by taking advantage of modern day gaming and picking up the demo. (more…)
I make no bones about my upbringing in the white ghetto. While my family wasn’t what I would call “trashy,” we were certainly not middle class, either. This mostly relegated my childhood to some of the darker corners of inner-city Indianapolis, where I was greeted by all sorts of wild, sometimes horrifyingly wonderful ways of life. There is a certain natural beauty to the lifestyles of the pathetically ignorant and painfully trapped denizens of any ghetto. And of course when I say “beauty” I probably don’t actually mean that word at all. To put it bluntly, many people in the ghetto have absolutely no desire to improve themselves and/or leave. They are simply content with the way things are, and have built a life around simply not caring. And sometimes, they just aren’t smart enough to care. You may think that possibly these people have found a new sort of Zen Buddhism that involves Pop Tarts and beating kids, but please stop kidding yourself. If they have a Zen it is accidental and usually sickeningly disturbing. I’ve had to spend the majority of my time away from home with these sorts of people; this gives me more than enough experience to share with you, should you ever have to spend time in a white trash house yourself. So if you discover one day that you have a long lost Uncle Jeb and find yourself invited over for a “gittagather,” you’ll know exactly the do’s and don’ts of stepping into his domicile. This is of course if you even make it inside before his seven dogs viciously attack you, sending you to the emergency room to treat every type of rabies strain known to man. Actually, you just may be better off with that scenario. (more…)
I love libraries. Something about them is immensely appealing to me. A massive variety of books mixed with the sort of people who choose to spend their afternoons in a library make the average public library a fantastic place to visit. For the last year and a half, I’ve only really been going to University libraries which are full of students and books of learning. They are nice enough places, but a bit bland. Everyone is there to work and there’s only so many times you can change the last search on all the library index computers to “Trapped in library index computer. Send help!” before you are arrested by the humour police. University libraries are just SO BORING!
Public libraries on the other hand, are awesome. I visited my local public library today with the intent to work on an impending essay. The plan was to plagarise heavily from my earlier writings and any obscure books I could find. The fiction section beckoned me alluringly in a manner which I found alluring and I found its allure too alluring to resist. As I browsed the A-Z of authors, two oddities became quickly apparent. First there seemed to be nothing at all by Stephen King and second I was being followed. I judged her to be about middle aged. She had a harelip and she talked to herself. (more…)
So we’ve re-posted the first three Leprechaun movie reviews, and now I sit here prepared to do battle with Leprechaun 4—the movie that broke me. Like I explained before, after attempting to review Leprechaun 1-5 in a 3 day period, I started watching Leprechaun 4 late on a Saturday night for the purposes of reviewing it. I made it about 15 minutes in, and I just got filled with rage. I can’t explain it still, but I remember the feeling of pure, unfiltered anger. I just wanted to break everything around me. I ended up turning off everything in my house and sitting in the dark, rocking back and forth and yelling profanities until I passed out. I didn’t bother picking it up the next day, just cleaned up the first 3 reviews and posted them, and then didn’t review a movie for a few weeks. I swore revenge on Leprechaun 4 since that day.
Today I strike back. (more…)
Way of the Warrior, a fighting game for the failed 3DO – developed by then largely unknown developer Naughty Dog of Crash Bandicoot fame – was and always will stand as one of the worst/best games of all time. Exuding a sheer badness that would make most fighting games laughable at best, Way of the Warrior broke through that terrible fighting engine with charisma and insanity that simply cannot be denied. In essence, Way of the Warrior didn’t succeed because it was a solid fighter. Jesus no. Way of the Warrior succeeded simply because it is as cheesy and incomprehensible as a badly dubbed Kung Fu movie at 3 in the morning on public access TV. If you need any further proof, then just go ahead and watch the video below.
Gather, my cock-gobbling shitheaps, my glorious wastes of carbon, my blessed, beloved fuckbeasts and cumstains and assfaced sycophantic pissants, gather at my feet and praise me, for I have returned, returned with stories, stories of horror and loathing so terrifying, you’ll piss yourself to death. (more…)
I took a break from Leprechauns, maybe an hour or so, I ordered a pizza and probably watched some porn, and then came back to start reviewing the third. At some point, and I don’t clearly remember why anymore, I decided that I should write the entire thing in rhyme. I’m actually pretty impressed by this, since I had forgotten I did this until now. It holds up sort of well, I suppose– at least as well as the actual movie. Clearly I was not doing well at this point.
Ok. I just took a short sanity break but it’s not helping. My head is numb with the dumbness of these movies. And, to make it all worse, I have this amazing urge to rhyme constantly now. I’m not sure if I should keep watching these movies, but I will continue. I’ve ordered a pizza, and turned down the lights… I’ve got myself settled for a Leprechaun night. OH MY GOD, I CAN’T STOP! I’ll have to rhyme until I drop. (more…)
Oh Nocturne. You had all the potential in the world, but you decided to squander all that potential to be King Of The Shitpile. Instead of taking the survival horror genre to the next logical step, you were content to try and be the prettiest Resident Evil clone out there. Instead of improving the controls, interface, and general gameplay of a series that had long since been showing its age, you decided to simply emulate it with better graphics. Nocturne is the sad, sad case of a developer not knowing when to use superior technology to make something better, instead of just making it really pretty. (more…)
We are all of us adults here on this site, writers and readers, well-wishers and detractors. This naturally means that we are all well-acquainted with that sluggish beast known as Procrastination. Once upon a time, society viewed Procrastination as a blight, a rotten spot on anyone’s character. Procrastination was a heavy shame and people wanted it stamped out. But this is a new day, a new era. Sure, the old prejudices still lurk around, but we can’t really be surprised by it. I mean, after all, old-fashioned race-ism still lingers around and that malarkey is so outdated, I mean really. So of course there’s still irrational hatred for a character trait that is widely regarded as a horrible obstacle that keeps good people from being productive.
But I am here to explain how all the haters are hating a painful misconception! (more…)
Ok, so Leprechaun wasn’t too painful. I was still in pretty good spirits at this point, and started working on Leprechaun 2 first thing in the morning on Saturday. By my estimates I would be done with number two by noon. Essentially I lived in one bedroom of a friend’s house when I wrote this, so for the entire weekend, other than using the bathroom and answering the door when I ordered a pizza, I was in my room this entire time, with little to no human contact. I’m beginning to grow tired of the Leprechaun even at the start of this though, but I was determined. I had also never seen any Leprechaun other than the original, and “Leprechaun in the Hood,” so I didn’t realize exactly how bad these were going to be. I present to you Leprechaun 2.
Round 2. I think that I can make it all the way through these, but we’ll see. The last two look absolutely horrible. At this point I’ve demolished a bag of Doritos and had a full 2-liter bottle of Pepsi. Here’s a warning to all the kids out there : BOOBIES ALERT! THERE WILL BE BOOBIES HERE! And I’m not lying. I wouldn’t lie about boobies, that’s a sacred trust. So, onto the boobies… I mean movie. (more…)
