Stupid Shit You Can Buy From Catalogs
Our economy is in a horrific ass-raping mess. You can tell it’s serious, because it’s not just a mess – it’s a horrific, ass-raping mess. The once-rich men are again lining the streets, selling apples and offering to do webpages for food, families are eating their dogs to survive just one day longer, and once-proud parents are selling off their children to porn shops just to make ends meet. It’s a terrible time for the ol’ US of A.
Know what we need to do to end this era of bone-crushing depression that devours the souls of mankind like a greedy little child with a sugar tooth locked in a candy shop after hours who was supposed to be sleeping in his bed at home but instead hid out in the gummi worms barrel until after the store closed down so he could eat candy until his brains caved in and his stomach exploded?
WHY, WE NEED TO BUY MORE RIDICULOUS CRAP!
And now, thanks to the wonders of Catalogues… YOU CAN!
Let’s take a look at some of the wonderful things available that YOU CAN BUY! FROM CATALOGUES! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, THE JOY, IT BURNS LIKE FIRE!
Fake Dog Asses
Oh thank God. The last dog died when I buried their head in the yard for comedic value
Well, wouldja look at that? It’s ass! Dog ass! Dog ass that you can put on your lawn! Dog ass that you can carefully set up in a delightfully adorable manner to fool all your neighbors, who will walk by and say, “HEY! Is that dog ass? It sure looks like real dog ass! I better go check! OH AHAHAHAHAH IT IS NOT REAL DOG ASS IT IS ONLY FAKE DOG ASS I HAVE BEEN FOOLED AAHAHAHAHAHAH HOW GLORIOUS AAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA my life is a nightmare.”
Twisted Freakjob “Shoulder Hat” Thing
Pure genius
Have you found that you have far too much self-respect? Can you look at your face in the mirror and smile? Do you find you often have a skip in your step, a bounce in your walk, an all-around love of life?
Well then, you need the Twisted Freakjob “Shoulder Hat” Thing!
Look at the face of that man. He could not look less satisfied with his life if he were sitting up to his neck in fetid pigshit. Don’t you wish you were like him? Don’t you wish you had a look on your face that shrieks, “Why won’t you kill me? Why won’t you kill me? Fuck, Christ, God, Merciful Savior, kill me fucking kill me kill meeeeeeeeeee.”
You need this.
Sadistic “Santa Dollar!”
IT'S LIKE REAL MONEY BUT NOT
Oh, the joys of childhood and awaiting Jolly Old Saint Nick to come and bring you a little Christmas Cheer in the form of some overpriced hunk of plastic your Uncle Jack will break when he takes a swing at Grandma. Weren’t those the best of days?
Well, now, you can give your children even BETTER times than you ever had with the spectacularly fun Santa Dollar! It looks like a dollar, and by god if you passed it in front of a slightly blind man fast enough you could make a good case that it’s a pretty good copy of money. Except of course that it has Santa’s face on it. And as far as I know, Santa Claus has yet to be a President of the United States of America. Meaning it has no real monetary value at all. And here’s the best part; Your wholly useless “No Cash Value” Santa Dollar will run you back six fucking dollars! GEORGE W. BUSH THANKS YOU FOR DOING YOUR PART TO SAVE THE US ECONOMY FROM ATOP HIS GIGANTIC FORT MADE OUT OF MONEY!
Farting Ass Toilet Paper Cover
Fourth grade called. They want their sense of humor back.
Don’t you hate having people over? I mean, don’t people just suck? I don’t just mean “suck,” I mean don’t you just, you know, I mean, don’t you just really fucking hate every single person you see? I mean, all of them? Haven’t you ever wanted to kill them? Kill them all? Feel their blood and life forces slip away over your fingers as you carve their fragile flesh into designs taught you by Azatoth the Damned? Haven’t you? Haven’t you?!
Well now, with the new “Farting Ass Toilet Paper Cover,” you’ll never have to worry about having anyone over at your house for more than a few minutes at a time – ever again!
No more unsuccessful parties! No more awkward visits from friends! No more worrying about sexually transmitted diseases – no woman is ever going to stay in your house! Get this amazing freakish rubbery farting ass and you’ll never have to say, “No thanks, I’m anti-social,” ever again! HALLEFUCKINGLUYAH!
Debilitating Low-Self-Esteem Curing Blanket
For those times when you just can't hate yourself enough
Admit it. You’re ugly and nobody loves you. Your body isn’t so much “flesh” as it is “ungodly mounds of awkwardly-placed skin riddled with rippling mountains of cellulose.” It’s okay. We’ve already known for years. You haven’t gotten laid since that one chick who was dead for a reason, pally, you’re a nightmarish monstrosity, wallowing in your own filth, and frankly, you’re making the rest of us a little sick.
BUT DON’T YOU FRET!
Because now, thanks to the miracle of catalogues, you, too, can feel better about yourself for a low, low price! Just whip on the Debilitating Low-Self-Esteem Curing Blanket, and suddenly… HOLY SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING HOT. Just look at that. Pecs. Chiseled slabs of muscled flesh. You are suddenly one lean, mean, chick-fucking machine, you animal you, and look who you’ve got right next to you. SWEET FUCK, SHE’S A BABE. Just look at those luscious thighs, those amazing, pendulous breasts, YES, YOU ARE MACK DADDY NOW.
But you must remember that the illusion will only hold for as long as you wear the blanket. You must never, ever remove the blanket, ever again, or the world will again see you as you truly are, a wretched lump of foul, perverted flesh, and your newfound friends will leave you behind and erase you from their thoughts, returning you to a lifetime of dark, despairing solitude, cable TV and gloomy porno marathons.
Dancing Dead Bird
Get it? GET IT?
Teach your children the true meaning of horror with a rubber, jiggling, battery-powered representation of a headless, featherless, deceased chicken who, on the push of a button, jerks grotesquely up to the rubber stumps of its severed feet and dances a macabre jig to eerie, electronic music.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? Some of you are buying shit like this. You’re buying shit like this and you’re sending the message to the people who make shit like this that it is, somehow, okay to make shit like this.
The time has come for me to put my foot down.
Motherfuckers, stop buying shit like this. Stop buying shit like this or this shit will never ever go away. Do you remember Billy Bigmouth Bitchass Bass Whatever thing, a dead fish on a piece of wood that sang at you, and everybody fucking loved it and the dude who invented it made billions despite the fact that its very existence has made the world a stupider place? You let this happen. You, not me, you motherfuckers, let them make a headless, naked bird on a grill dancing to the fucking Macarena.
This is your fault.
I hope you’re fucking happy.
Poo!
Of course you can buy a giant turd. What kind of self-respecting catalog WOULDN'T let you buy a turd?
OMGWTFLOLPANTS!!!1111ELEVEN11 LOOK ITS POO ON A RIBBON I NEARLY PISSED MY PANTS
Toilet Golf
Oh...
I … Look at the… he’s.
yeah.
Look, there’s really nothing I actually need to say here, you know it and I know it. Look at the look on his face. That says it all, right there.
We are fucking doomed.
YES, THANK GOD AND HIS GLORIOUS ANGELS FOR THE GIFT OF CATALOGUES AND THANK YOU FOR HEALING OUR TROUBLED ECONOMY! And if these wondrous items didn’t make you want to just go out and spend all of little Susie’s college fund, well then you must not a hot-blooded American like the rest of the world obviously is, or whoever the fuck it is that actually buys this shit.
Scumbag.
