Movie Review: Leprechaun
Before you get started, I feel that a new introduction is required. 8 years ago, I thought it would be fun to spend an entire weekend watching all the Leprechaun movies (two and three here) and writing one giant in-depth review of all of them “in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.” Well, I halfway succeeded… after getting through 1-3 and simultaneously writing the reviews to go with it, I started losing it. By Saturday night, I had gotten maybe 15 minutes into Leprechaun 4 (“Leprechaun in Space”) and I pretty much shut down. I woke up Sunday afternoon with a massive headache and three Leprechaun movie reviews that just needed some edits, so I posted them and just gave up on Leprechaun 4. To this date it is the only movie review that I didn’t finish, so I’m going to give it a go this year. First, however, I think it’s time to re-print (if that’s even correct in internet terms… re-post maybe?) the first three. I wrote most of the review of the original Leprechaun on Friday night that weekend, and as a result it probably makes the most sense. It’s also probably the best of the series. Enjoy my descent into madness, and be amazed that my writing skills haven’t improved in the past 8 years.
Alright! The first Leprechaun. This is where it all starts. Now, I’ve seen this one before, so I’m completely prepared for how cheesy it is. I remember watching this movie when it first came out in the theaters, and I was amazed at how much of a Freddy rip-off the Leprechaun was even then. But, even though it is a completely unoriginal film, I couldn’t help but love it as a kid. Well, after watching it again, I can honestly say this isn’t as bad as I remember, but that’s not saying a whole lot. Well, I’ve wasted enough time… on to the review!
If he's really Irish, why hasn't he hit her yet?
That’s Mr. and Mrs. O’Grady, a relatively poor Irish couple living in rural America. Mr. O’ Grady just returned from a trip back to Ireland, and he returns with good news! He trapped a leprechaun back in Ireland and forced it to give him its gold. They’re going to move in the morning, but first O’Grady has to go drink (I’m not kidding… he really does). While Mr. O’Grady is off getting his drink on, the Mrs. decides to go open his bag, but she doesn’t find socks, underwear, or even a crusty pornographic magazine. Instead she finds… The Leprechaun! He jumps out of the suitcase demanding his gold, and pushes the lady down the stairs, killing her. O’Grady returns from his drunken rampage to find his dead wife in the cellar, and runs to call an ambulance, but the Leprechaun is waiting for him.
But, as the Leprechaun attempts to kill him, O’Grady pulls a four-leaf clover out of his pocket and the Leprechaun runs away. That’s right, kids… Leprechauns are somehow hurt by four-leaf clovers. Now I’ll admit… I’m not a leprechaun, but I’ve never heard of that before… ever. But, regardless of whether or not I believe it, the Leprechaun sure does, and he runs into the cellar and hides in a crate. Using the clover as a sort of blockade, O’Grady manages to trap the Leprechaun in the crate and then attempts to burn it to death by pouring gasoline all over the crate.
There's a shamrock on top of this box, I swear it.
However, the leprechaun gets the last (incredibly annoying) laugh when O’Grady blacks out during a severe stroke before he can light the gasoline on fire, and is taken to the hospital. The Leprechaun is now trapped in a crate in an abandoned house… that is, until 10 years later.
It's Jennifer Aniston!
This is J.D. and his little bratty daughter Tory (played by the always hot Jennifer Aniston). J.D. has decided to buy the old O’Grady place and move his daughter away from the city. They go into the house to see how it looks, but as you would expect from a house that has been completely unused for 10 years, it is dirty and filled with huge spiders. It is a universal law that spolied brat daughters make all the decisions, so when Tory sees the house, she demands to leave and poor J.D. packs their bags up and prepares to leave.
However, if they left at this point, the movie would end and I’d feel even more ripped off than I do now. So, on her way out to the car, Tori runs into the token love interest, a painter named Nathan. Nathan’s good looks and quick thinking convince her to stay and help fix up the place, to prove that all girls aren’t afraid of a little work.
Above: L to R: Nathan, Ozzie, and Alex. I hate Alex. You should too.
Nathan doesn’t work alone, and with him are his too-smart-for-his-own-good brother, Alex, and Alex’s mentally challenged friend, Ozzie. Now, Ozzie isn’t completely retarded, but just slow, much like the guy who works at the Taco Bell down the street – you’d trust him to ring up your order and bring you your food, but you wouldn’t be surprised if you saw him put his dick in the sour cream. Anyway, now that our heroes have assembled, they begin their work. Ozzie manages to cover himself in blue paint, so he is sent into the house to wash up.
While Ozzie is washing off his newest “retard badge,” he hears a noise down in the basement so he goes to investigate. He hears the sound coming from this large crate, and while he is trying to look inside, he knocks off the four-leaf clover that O’Grady had placed on it ten years ago. Uh-oh.
Note to self... if I trap a monster in a box, don't let a retard clean the basement.
The Leprechaun busts the crate open and immediately demands his gold. Well, Ozzie has no idea what the Leprechaun is talking about, but he manages to run upstairs where he announces to the world that there is a Leprechaun in the basement. Not surprisingly, they don’t believe him, (he is retarded, remember?) but they go downstairs so that he’ll calm down. Also not surprisingly, there is no Leprechaun to be found in the basement, so they all return outside to resume painting the house.
When they get back outside, a beautiful rainbow is in the sky, and Ozzie and Alex run off to find the end of the rainbow, which ends at a rusted out pickup truck. Inside the truck they find a whole bag of gold coins… the Leprechaun’s gold, and they decide to test if it’s real gold by biting it. However, in biting the gold coin, Ozzie accidentally swallows it. They take an extra gold coin, and hide the rest back in the truck. However, all is not well back at the O’Grady house, as J.D. foolishly puts his hand into a hole in a tree, where “a cat” manages to almost bite J.D.’s whole hand off. Tori, J.D., and the painters all head into town to take J.D. to the hospital… with the Leprechaun in tow.
While Tori and Nathan go to the hospital with J.D., Alex and Ozzie decide to sneak into town that night and go sell the coin at the local coin collectibles store… in a small rural town… late at night. Of course. The guy at the store convinces them to let him keep the coin to research it overnight. Ozzie and Alex leave, unaware of the horror that has followed them…
As soon as Alex and Ozzie leave, the coin collector begins looking through his books to find out what kind of gold coin he has acquired. During this time we get to look around his shop. Apparently this guy is a hit with the ladies, because he doesn’t just sell coins… he also sells toys! The collector decides he’ll hide this coin in his safe, but as we all know it won’t be that easy.
Sadly, the best death in the film.
The Leprechaun jumps out of the safe, and begins threatening in rhyme about stealing a Leprechaun’s gold, and then he knocks the man to the ground. While the collector is regaining his senses, the Leprechaun runs over to a stack of toys, grabs a pogo stick, and then pogos the collector TO DEATH!!! I sort of feel jealous though… he doesn’t have to watch 4 more of these things. His coin regained, the Leprechaun heads back to the house. How does he get back to the house? Why, he takes one of those PowerWheels cars from the collector’s shop, and drives it home, stopping only for cake mix, wheat bread, Coca-Cola, shaving cream… oh yeah, and to kill a cop.
This is important later... not really.
The Leprechaun makes it home from his spree to find the house empty, and he begins searching for his gold. He doesn’t find gold, but he does find Tori and J.D.’s collection of assorted shoes. The Leprechaun sets them up on the table and begins polishing them, because rule #2 of being a Leprechaun is that Leprechauns can’t stand dirty footwear. It seems to me that being a leprechaun is a lot more work than I would look to do for thousands of years. Constantly cleaning shoes and guarding your pot of gold from every Tom, Dick, and O’Grady that sees a rainbow. But, on the bright side, at least you’d be able to write rhymes really quickly. That seems like a fair trade.
Tori and company return back home from taking J.D. to the hospital, and try to get some rest. They hear a noise outside, so Nathan bravely heads outside to find the cause of that noise. However, in looking for a 3 foot tall Leprechaun, Nathan apparently completely ignores the ground, because he walks right into a completely undisguised bear trap. The Leprechaun then runs out from the bushes and again screams for his gold. Nathan would be doomed, but then Alex, Ozzie, and Tori run out of the house with flashlights and sticks, and proceed to beat the Leprechaun like a black motorist.
With the Leprechaun unconscious in the bushes, the group runs to the painters’ truck, which they will take to town to get help. But the truck won’t start! So, Alex opens the hood to see if it’s an engine problem…
Maybe the problem is the fuel intake valve, or it could be this here Leprechaun.
The group stays in the truck out of fear, and this leads to the best scene in the movie. The Leprechaun runs into the barn, and seconds later knocks the door down with the orange car he stole earlier. However, it’s not just the orange car… he’s covered it in armor plates and various farm equipment, and he then rams his Lep-mobile into the truck where the others are hiding.
This movie makes me dumber.
Let me point out again that this is a child’s toy car. It hit a large flatbed truck. Now, I’m no physics professor, but that can’t possibly happen. However, it made for some good laughs, so I’ll let it slide. After all, I’m not watching Leaving Las Vegas… I’m watching a movie about a midget dressed as a leprechaun. Let’s move on.
The group manages to get out of the car, and run into the house. The Leprechaun then chases them around for a few minutes, and eventually Alex admits that they did find a bag of gold, and they hid it in the well. Tori runs outside, and gets the gold and agrees to give it to the Leprechaun if he will leave them alone. The Leprechaun agrees, and the Leprechaun joins Tori and her father in a rousing rendition of “My Way,” and the credits roll.
"I'm missing a coin!"
No, of course that doesn’t happen. The Leprechaun runs off to count his gold, and realizes he’s missing one piece. Remember when the retard swallowed the coin? Well, the Leprechaun doesn’t, but he knows one of them has the coin, and he’s pissed. He attacks Alex, but Nathan manages to knock out the Leprechaun with a shotgun blast (I think that might knock me out too) and Tori decides to go talk to O’Grady, who now lives in an old folks’ home. However, before she can get to the truck, the Leprechaun shows up to kill them all. Does he succeed? No, because he is stopped when Nathan throws shoes at him, causing the Leprechaun to forget his bloodthirsty rampage and clean the shoes. You know, a Leprechaun is an awful monster to make a movie on. I think “Tooth Fairy: This time, there are no quarters!” would be a better film. (Note to movie industry: I was joking… please don’t make that – [2010 note : THEY DID MAKE THIS])
After escaping the Leprechaun in the dumbest possible way, Tori arrives at the hospital to find O’Grady. Unfortunately, the Leprechaun has beaten her there and he chases her around the hospital for a few more minutes. Luckily for her, she hides in the right elevator, and O’Grady’s nearly lifeless body falls out of the ceiling. He tells her the a four-leaf clover is the only way to kill a Leprechaun, and Tori drives back to the house to scour the clover patch in the yard.
Special effects budget = $4.
This is the clover patch. This amazing clover patch was made by shining a green light on the regular grass. I’ve got to give this movie credit… they knew how to save a few bucks. But Tori gives up after a few minutes of searching, and Ozzie comes over to give her his words of wisdom. She’s got to believe in the clovers to find a four-leaf clover! And as expected, Tori says “fine! I believe!” and reaches down and finds the elusive four leaf clover. I’m glad that happened, because if they had another 5 minute clover scene, I might have just thrown my VCR. (2010 note : VCR? I suppose now would be a good time to note that I backed up all these files on a ZIP DRIVE… time to get ready to sit on my porch and yell at teenagers)
But, as soon as the clover is found, the Leprechaun shows up and attacks Alex. Alex looks doomed, but Ozzie makes the ultimate sacrifice and yells, “It’s me you want! I’ve got the coin!” And the Leprechaun jumps off of Alex and onto Ozzie. Alex runs over to Tori, takes the clover, sticks it on a wad of gum he’s been chewing, pulls out a slingshot, and says the worst line in any horror movie ever.
"FUCK YOU, LUCKY CHARMS!"
I think that is the worst combination of words ever to come out of an actor’s mouth. I tried to think of a worse thing to say there, and I came up with nothing. Nothing is worse than “Fuck You, Lucky Charms”… nothing. So, the gum is shot into the Leprechaun’s mouth, and his skin dissolves and he falls into the well.
I'm sorry the last thing you heard was "Fuck You, Lucky Charms"
So is the movie over yet? No, of course not. First they have to blow something up! And they do! They fill the well with gasoline and light a match and…
NOW it's over.
The Leprechaun has been stopped, Tori and Nathan are in love with each other, Alex and Ozzie are still annoying, and I have only four more of these things to write. I’m thinking this may have been a bad idea. But let’s go over what we’ve learned about Leprechauns.
- Leprechauns hate it when people take their gold, and will kill to get it back.
- Leprechauns can be killed with a four-leaf clover.
- Leprechauns must clean dirty shoes.
- Leprechauns are stupid creatures to make movies about.
Actually, go ahead and forget that, because it turns out the next movie forgot these things as well. You’ll see…
So, first movie was done. And it went pretty smooth. Instead of working on part two right away, I let myself get some sleep and started on two right away Saturday morning. This was probably a mistake, because if I had watched part 2 Friday, I might have saved myself some time when I saw how bad these would be.
