OMGJeremy

Stop Sleeping

The average person spends 1/3 of their lifetime sleeping.  1/3 of their entire life, spent doing nothing!  If you can live with that knowledge, then that’s great for you and have fun sleeping your way to the grave.  For those of you who are now overcome with cold chills and anxiety because you are now thinking about death and how it is fast approaching… keep reading.  Most of us people who value our lives do things to try to prolong it.  We eat better, we exercise, we don’t smoke or we make an effort to quit smoking.  All of these things are done in an effort to increase the amount of time we can spend on this planet.  A lot of the things necessary to prolong life are also very difficult and not much fun at all.  So I ask you, why do things to try to gain more time, when you can do something simple to make the most out of time you already have. Stop sleeping.

Who needs sleep? Certainly not this spritely young man

Think it over for a bit.  Your body (barring disease and accident) has a set amount of time it can go on before finally shutting down.  Nothing you can do can increase this amount of time, you can only do things to prevent time from being taken away.  You can’t pop a magic pill that will add one year to your perfectly healthy life, but you can smoke and take years off of your pre-determined lifespan.  So you’ve got a set amount of time, and you are sleeping 33% of it away.  You want to get the most out of life and experience all the time you can?  Put down those weights, you don’t need to get in shape.  Drop those vegetables, you aren’t a rabbit.  Forget all of that, and no matter what you do don’t lay down… unless you are having sex.  Even in that case, make sure your partner is good enough at it to keep you interested.  Falling asleep during the sex act not only goes against what we are working towards, but you’ll have to deal with crying and have to buy a card and all that.

It isn’t going to be easy, I’ll tell you that right now.  You will be drowsy, you will be irritable, you might pass out a time or two… but you will be adding precious hours to your life that most common folk will never have.  They called me crazy when I first stopped sleeping, but when all is said and done and we are elderly and I do the number-crunching and make a power-point presentation in which I show the hours of awake living time I gained by not sleeping… well we will see who looks insane then!

The First Few Days

Somebody said something one time about the first 72 hours of something being the most crucial time, so I am going to apply it to this as well just because.  I want to make it clear that you shouldn’t NOT sleep, but just cut it down to 2-3 hours per night.  The night before the first day, have one of those wasteful sleeps like you have had your entire life.  You want to wake up in the morning (not too early) well rested and feeling capable of staying up fairly late.  Don’t tell your friends what you are doing, they will simply not understand.  Just remember, they didn’t understand Jesus either – and he turned out okay.  If you play games or watch movies, line some up for the late night hours, preferably something new to you so you can maintain a certain level of interest and excitement.  The drowse will strike as time drags on, but hopefully before you feel yourself right on the verge of nodding off it will be pretty late.  This is where you will have to rely on various stimuli to get you through the next few hours.

Leave the Coffee Alone, Friend!  There Are Better Ways!

Caffeine is more than likely the first aid that will come to your mind.  Whether it be delivered to you via coffee or a soft-drink, you should avoid it altogether.  It is habit forming and will turn you into nothing more than a mindless, shaking, mass of dependency.  If you need an example, just look at your parents or any average office worker or bank teller.

The jitters just mean you're alive.

Truth be told, you can do perfectly fine relying on some outside sources for stimulation, as well as within.  If extreme temperatures are present outside, take advantage!  Open the window and welcome in the 15 degree chill.  Stick your head out and let that hail slap against your face a few times.  If you find yourself in the midst of a hot summer’s night, put on a sweatsuit and make your living conditions unbearable.  You might even lose a little weight in the process, so you win on so many levels.  Dunking your head into an ice cold tub of water, burning yourself on the stove top, giving yourself papercuts on your knuckles so whenever you make a fist it stings… all perfectly acceptable methods.

Mainly this is all in the mind.  You must constantly fight with the part of your mind that tells you it is time to sleep.  You tell that part of your mind you appreciate the concern but flatly refuse.  If that doesn’t work, you punch and kick the shit out of it.  What you are doing isn’t just a physical change, but it is a mental change as well.  You are altering yourself from the ground up.  Just like any other alteration that improves your lifestyle, like learning another language or getting plastic surgery, it is painful and it is very taxing on your body and mind.  But ask anybody who has had plastic surgery, and they will tell you it was all worth it to have a nice set of tits that get you the attention you have been craving ever since childhood.  The same applies to not sleeping, sorta.

Calling On Friends.  A Good Idea?

Honestly, if you have a friend who can understand where you are coming from, or who will at least entertain the idea without judging you too heavily, call them over.  Not only will having company provide more entertainment, but they will also be there to alert you if you are nodding off.  Also, just knowing that if you fall asleep you could end up being urinated on is a great motivator to stay wide-eyed.

You DO NOT want to call over someone who disagrees with what you are doing or has absolutely no concept of what you are trying to accomplish.  Some people will simply go to their graves telling you that you need that 8 hours of sleep a night.  A person like this will instantly become jealous of your new-found freedom and quality of life, and they may try to sabotage you.  Whether they put a sleeping pill in your drink, or just be their usual personality-less self that bores you to death, a supposed “friend” can be as much of a curse as a blessing.

In my opinion, you need to go solo on this.  If you have a significant other… they’ll just have to deal with it and like it.

Prepare for Alienation.

No one understands your plight, so just flail at them until they do

The shock to your system that is picked up over the first few days may lead to some negative side effects.  Mind you these are perfectly normal and will pass as your body adjusts to its new and more sensible sleeping pattern.  Generally a nice person?  For a few days, you won’t be.  Usually an asshole?  You’ll experience little change.  You won’t hear many knocks at the door or have to answer many ringing phones during those early days.  Your friends will all abandon you, citing that you have become a hateful monster that spits at them and calls their girlfriends fat.

You’ll learn what it is like to be alone, with nobody there for you to talk to.  This might be too much for some people, but any sane person would at least appreciate this time and maybe even wonder why they haven’t made an effort to piss off everyone who has ever cared about them before.  You should also probably choose to do this on a weekend, or else you may be using your newly-reclaimed hours of life job-hunting.

A terrible idea all around

Though I do have to say that not having friends or a job is probably going to be a good thing for you during these few days.  This is the point in the article where I do a little damage control and warn you not to do certain things.  I would really advise you not to drive.  Yeah, you might be feeling wide awake… but the next feeling you have may be shock that you are driving through a field with a mailbox in your back seat and you can’t account for the last 5 minutes or 2 miles.

Out of the Woods… Now What?

Well, you’ve made it through those trying first few days and are now on the road to taking back your life.  You can take this time to assure the friends you scared away or pissed off that you are 100% okay now, and maybe even explain to them what you did.  Remember, if they call you crazy or anything like that they are just jealous!  VERY jealous!

Take the time to just enjoy yourself!  You have made a good decision and worked hard toward a goal, now is your time to celebrate.  Granted that the new hours you have acquired aren’t going to be the most exciting.  Most of the time it is hard to get your friends to hang out till 3 or 4AM when they have to go to work the next morning.  You’ll find out which of your friends are pussies real quick.

If you use the internet, this is probably the best time to do so.  Porn sites that are normally so full of traffic that they stream slow will now move lightning fast.  Pay your bills, start up those torrents (of perfectly legal files), or hop on to a popular online game so you can play against foreigners.  Maybe take a moment or two to step outside into the fresh night air.  Look up at the stars, realize that it’s been ages since you have seen them this clearly.  Take in how vast and complex the world is, and everything that exists beyond it.  Think about your life.  Imagine what you will encounter in the future and perhaps what is beyond this life.  Take it all in, and let out a sigh.

Normally that takes 2-3 minutes and is more than enough time for all your porn vids to load.