OMGJeremy

Guide To the Elderly

Hey guys, do you know what’s totally rad? That’s right! You got it on your first guess! Old people are totally rad! They have reached the end times of their personal existences and are often enough crotchety, curmudgeonly, and basically a danger to themselves and others. If you can tell me anything alive that’s more awesome than that, I will have to strongly consider your argument and then ultimately decide to chuckle and pretend that you were actually just trying to crack a weak joke because NOTHING and I mean nothing can compare favorably to the elderly.

Strangely, I am not being as sarcastic as most of you must believe. “What?” I hear you cry. “What person below the age of 65 can possibly say that they cherish the elderly and actually MEAN it?!” Well, you’re looking at the text written by one right here.

I have heard time and again you youngsters complaining of elderly people in the marketplace, making “nuisances” of themselves and “forgetting how to use the cash monies because of an apparent case of advanced Alzheimer’s.” Whose fault is that? Certainly not theirs! Perhaps you can turn an accusing eye upon yourself for being so impatient with these living fossils, these amazing withered prunes of doddering history. Those of you who are interested in Times Gone By, rather than condemning the elderly as useless husks of wheezing organs, why not pull one up and ask them to tell stories of yesteryear. It only makes sense to get your information from a person who was there instead of a textbook. And those of you who couldn’t possibly care less about history, I don’t even want to speak to you because you make me feel embarrassed to share the planet with you. But this article isn’t just about why you should be interested in history. No! This is an article about the many uses and endearing qualities surrounding our grandparents and great-grandparents, and soon – our mothers and fathers. And eventually, even our own damn selves.

Jeremy today and Jeremy tomorrow!? The Grim Passage of Time says, "Probably!"

Sugar and Spice and $10 Every Time They See You

Grandparents are known to have raised their own kids with a cruel steel rod and House Rules that were enforced with a notched belt. They wouldn’t take lip from their own damn children, who were born in order to help take care of the farm and to go off to work early so that the family could afford to have dinner on their plates, even though they raised their own hogs and therefore didn’t ever actually have to BUY food like we poor people of today do. I like the way “today do” sounds when I say it out loud.

Also, grandparents are wonderful party favors. Anyone that age becomes an instant entertainer as the desperation of nearing the end of life causes them to make the most of every experience.

Our grandparents were such alarming bastards to their own offspring specifically because they knew that they needed to get all of that vinegar and rage out of their systems in time to dote on their grandchildren. It is not uncommon to see a five foot tall grandmother sucker punch her own son while calling him a “worthless so and so” and then turn and pinch the cheek of her grandson while slipping him a ten dollar bill, all in one swift, fluid movement!

In fact, that is the dual use of most grandparents in this day and age, if used properly. If you keep them out of the Home and inside your own home, as other generations used to do and Asians still do today I guess, you would see your beloved, gift-bearing grandparents constantly keeping your own parents in line. Anytime you would get lectured about drinking, drug use, failing grades, getting knocked up or knocking up some girl, your grandparents would show up, drawn to the yelling and strife like paper thin, dusty moths to a flame. And your grandparents would interject, telling you how your own parents were also delinquents as you are, and that in fact, your mom had an abortion when she was seventeen, herself, nearly tore the damned family apart, so her yells at you are worthless.

Incidentally, this is pretty much exactly the reason grandparents are filed away in Homes to rot and die. Our parents may be inept at raising children, but they aren’t total fools. However, they ARE heartless, and would rather cast their own parents away as if they were living breathing kitty litter just so that they won’t be undermined in their own houses.

This of course starts a vicious cycle, as we see our parents act like bastards to their own parents and we won’t mind seeing Karmic Retribution take place as they are put in Homes. Which of course means that we will also be put in Homes when our time comes. Maybe we should stop this while we can, because brothers and sisters, none of us really wants to go into one of those awful old Homes.

An elderly victim of nursing home abuse. That could be any of us someday, you know.

When the Cataclysm Comes, I Want My Grandparents There With Me

Actually, the joke’s on me because I only have one grandparent left, and she is so old and bitter that the only thing we could possibly use her for when we are the few remaining survivors after the super volcano blows, or the polar ice cap shift takes us all by surprise, or the War happens to set off the Bomb after Bomb after Bomb, or the global warming goes haywire, or the comet strikes the earth’s surface, or the rogue and dread PLANET X comes by and knocks earth out of orbit – WHATEVER is surely bound to happen – after it happens, the only thing Grandma Wood will be good for is to act like some sort of living black magic voodoo doll that will steal the souls of any thieves who will be trying to steal our paltry vegetables from our radioactive vegetable patch.

“Oh no!” they’ll shout. “Not a barely mobile husk of evidence of the DARKEST OF ALL DARK ARTS!”

Oh yes. That’s my grandma. And thanks to her, my family and I will be feared and regarded as dangerous sorcerer kings on that stark new land of pain and sorrow.

However, if you are lucky enough to have grandparents who are capable of being productive, helpful, and kind, you will be able to rely upon their vast knowledge that they have gathered throughout their whole lives. After all, just think of how much change they have seen since they were children! Back in THEIR day, there were still horses and buggies and no airplanes at all! Why, they’ll be just like kids again, won’t they? Remembering how to churn butter, harness horses, plow fields, harvest, mine coal without masks or oxygen tanks, and hunt for wild turkey!

Actually, as helpful as they will be When the Time Comes, they are still pretty helpful now. Need to make a dress? Grandma will tell you how. After all, that’s all she did in the 1920s when she was a flapper! She made some of the most awesome styles of dress imaginable and did you ever see how neat their hair was styled? She can do that for you, too. Grandpa can explain to you how to build bi-planes and… Okay, my one grandpa died before I was born and the other died when I was five. I don’t really know what grandfathers provide besides homemade liquorbooze. Coin collections? War stories? Oh that brings me to my next section!

Be sure to ask your grandparents for advice on sinning, gambling, dancing, drinking, and scandal. They invented it!

Shut Your Mouths, Whippersnappers! It’s Time for Another Story!

I know that it is an unfortunate stereotype that the Oldsters have gotten, their great propensity for telling long-winded rambling stories at least once per conversation. For some reason, it is a negative trait to many people. I am guessing that it is because popular culture icons on the teevee shows have shown young, hip youths rolling their eyes as Grandpa drones on and on about what happened 80 years ago, and he doesn’t even make sense at all. But I am here to tell you that those people are Wrong! Oh they are so wrong! Grandparent stories are enchanting, magical, entertaining, AND educational! Why, they’re so great that I can and SHOULD start a new paragraph all about it!

You see, people just don’t know a good thing when they’ve got it. Sourpuss Jane will see her grandpa prattling on about the Great War, and she will see an Instant Nap on the horizon. And she doesn’t even WANT a nap! So she will make a lame excuse and beat a hasty retreat, leaving Grandpa alone and sighing, destined to spend another rest of the day in his rocking chair facing the window, shedding a silent tear or two for times gone by.

It makes me very sad.

However, Pollyanna Smartypants, the bright girl who knows how to make the best of any situation, will see Grandma taking a shaky deep wheezing breath, readying herself to launch into an epic story involving such highly exciting things as beet soup, auto-gyros, mute girls, and run-away ice wagons. Sure, 90% of the story might be made up, while the remaining percent might consist of embellishment, exaggeration, and fake words. But there will surely be at least one single grain of true story in there. At the very least, you can take away the fact that your grandparent has a fantastic imagination, or a serious case of senility. You could even tape record these stories and, if you are the creative type, you might be able to incorporate them into stories of your own. It isn’t stealing. It isn’t plagiarism. After all, your grandparents’ genetics are there inside you, so it is like a withered old fragment of YOU told that story to you. So you are free to use it as you see fit, right? Companies dealing in imaginative stories will pay you a lot, I’m sure.

Another benefit of the Grandparent Ramble is the fact that you can use it as a distraction or a way to procrastinate. Our parents are always harping on us to spend more time with our grandparents, while doing their best to avoid these same aged heroes. They are ALSO harping on us to do chores, pay rent, help with the bills, and spend more time with THEM. This is unthinkable, because spending time with the parents equals willingly subjecting yourself to the dreaded nagging. So, say, “sorry mom and/or dad, but I am spending time with my grandparent(s) today!” They can’t tell you not to because they are always telling you to to… Tutu.

You don’t even have to pay attention while your grandparents go on and on. That’s the glory of it all. They never quiz you afterward as they rarely remember what they’ve just said themselves. And, actually, you don’t have to worry about them asking about your own life, because if they are anything like my own grandma, they will ask and immediately start talking over you with another anecdote they have. Or, another thing she does is simply not listen at all, so when she says “How are you lately?” and you can say “I suffered a bear attack the other afternoon,” she will say “mhm that’s nice. So at Church the other day..” And so on.

Grandparents really are like puppets who automatically tell stories and provide endless amusement for those people who are not phobic of them.

Okay, So What Other Value Do the Elderly Have?

Yes. The elderly provide us with endless opportunity for procrastination, when their memories are available they can be handy for advising on your Do It Yourself projects, they give off cookies, gifts, treats, they ward off enemies in times of bad, they are not above breaking the jaw of your mother or father. If these few things do not already have you convinced of the total awesomeness of our old men and women, I am left wondering at what a hard brainless jerk you must be. However, it just so happens that I have EVEN MORE WORDS left describing what good they are. I bet you are very happy about this.

You see, according to the stories of the Old which I have listened to and taken to heart, things are Not As Good As They Used to Be. Also, they are still predicting that the End Times are upon us. They learned this from their grandparents who learned it from their grandparents who learned it from THEIR grandparents and so on for the past 1500 years, or more! It stands to reason that with each passing generation, the odds continue to grow in their favor. Soon, the Cataclysm will come, and we will be left defenseless, in the Bad kind of anarchy, hunted by wolves and aliens and alien wolves and zombies, all hungering for our sweet fatty flesh. This will prove to be our grandparents’ GREATEST use, during this eventual scenario.

You know how adages control the lives of the very old. They firmly believe that you are what you eat, and an apple a day keeps the doctor away. They also believe in an eye for an eye, in not sparing the rod because it will spoil the child, and in the overall belief of survival of the fittest and that nature will, indeed, take its course. Now, we have all seen those nature shows. When there are herds of terrified meat animals, who are the first to go? That’s right, the old and enfeebled elderly animals.

Tenderly start explaining to your grandparents that you love them and are thanking them in advance for sacrificing themselves to the Dire Wolves which are scheduled to break out of glaciers by the end of this decade, when the other cataclysms are also happening.

Our grandparents someday will be fleeing from some horrifying predator with the rest of us, when he or she will “accidentally” trip and break a hip. There will be a pouncing and carnage, the grinding of powdery bones between enormous teeth. Our grandparents will allow us to live another day. And so will the babies that get tossed behind to lighten the load of running away. Actually, I hope the babies go first because you can always make more of them, but it takes a whole lifetime to make an old person.

So let us hold our elderly people close and dear. Let us make their lives more pleasant for the eventual Ultimate Sacrifice they will make to ensure that the rest of us will be able to make it to safety, especially since they probably won’t be able to leave us money inheritances. Too many of these aged eventual-martyrs are skin and bones due to failing social security systems, rising costs of EVERYTHING, and not eating due to depression caused by loneliness. Let’s visit them, feed them, make them strong and healthy. All of that extra meat will surely afford us a few minutes more of time in the long run. I think I’d prefer that over a few thousand worthless dollars anyway.