Humpday Gaming: Peek-A-Boo-Poker (NES)
The game is Peek-A-Boo Poker for the NES. Made in the early 90′s, it is an interesting game to say the very least. Obviously in honor of the old Atari sleaze games, this is one of Nintendo’s forays into the arena of adult-geared video games. A very rare foray into the adult market it seems also, as I was never really aware Nintendo even accepted adult themed games. And after playing Peek-A-Boo poker, it’s very apparent why this was a rare outing for Nintendo, as it seems to be less of a game, and more of an excuse to draw barely recognizable nude women.
If however you are looking for amateurish sleaze (Note: Not the good kind of amateur sleaze), this game will suffice, as it includes many pixelly deformed breasts, and more sleazy lines than you could ever hear a drunken lonely man randomly shout out in a singles bar at various inanimate objects.
As for the game, after you finally get up the nerve to power up your filth-encrusted Nintendo Entertainment System, you’ll get this title screen – which is the exact moment I knew this game would be reviewed.
I mean, come on. How can you not play this game? Notice how seductively those card-playing vixens look at you, as if to say, “Let’s play a hand and then we can have awkward sex outside behind the dumpsters next to the dead homeless man.” They might also say something on the order of, “I can’t believe you’re playing this fucking game.” No, wait. That was my conscience. I’m sorry.
Anyway, on to the the gameplay, and since most people come to this site to see nudity and overall sickness I’ll only speak a few words on the actual gameplay. The controls are extremely simple. You use the B button to select your cards, start to receive new cards. You can also use the rest of the controller to prop your head up in between bouts of severe depression and boredom that this game will bring on in vast amounts. Once you familiarize yourself with the controls, and have succesfully strapped your official fun helmet on (mine is a cereal bowl with a rubberband), you may choose your whore.
Pok-er Penny is my new street name
Notice the alluring gazes at such obviously high class women as “Full House Francine,” “Double Dealing Debbie,” and my personal favorite, “Pok-er Penny.” I don’t know about you, but I would be honored to bring any of these women home to show my family. For my game though, I chose Full House Francine, since she seems to be the most human looking of the bunch. I must give the developer credit though, for perfectly capturing the types of women that would be playing a game of strip poker. It’s all very convincing of a real night of poker with your friends and a few local hookers willing to take their clothes off for a few slices of pizza as payment. It all looks good, except maybe the row of flowers at the bottom of the screen. Perhaps they are there to make the women look much more attractive than they really are. Much like beer does at a real strip poker game.
After you select the woman of your dreams, we begin the game. It’s a simple card table, and anyone who has played poker before would have no trouble getting to grips with it. Unless you’re blind of course. But even then I would recommend you continue playing, because you’ll still probably win, and at the same time save yourself the horror of looking at badly drawn nude NES bar whores. For the rest of us unfortunate people still with our vision intact, we will get the full “effect,” if you will.
When you finally begin to play, you will notice a small window on the screen with the face of the girl you are playing against. This is here to show you her reaction to your various moves. There are many different reactions that she will give depending on your actions while playing the game, like playing the right card, losing, and whenever the game decides to crash at random. Unfortunately though, I did not get a reaction for calling her a loose bar cock latherer repeatedly, but I did get plenty of other reactions for beating her ass in cards. Let us take a look at some of the reaction shots you get during gameplay.
That ninja turtle face aint gonna help keep those clothes on, darlin'
This is the completely unattractive Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle face your card playing whore makes when you win. And by the way, you need to get used to winning in this game, because you’ll be winning a lot. I played for a couple of hours (please don’t look at me like that), and I lost fewer than 10 times. And the times I lost were due to me not paying attention, just trying to stay awake long enough to get enough money to finish this game and get my nudity prize. Another reason you won’t have any problem winning is because it seems every hand you are dealt has at least one pair in it. Could this be an obvious oversight on the part of the developers? Personally I refuse to believe that such a crack team of developers would ever let such a bug slip by them. But, on the other hand these are the same people who actually named a character “Poke-er Penny,” so I suppose I should be glad the game has not sucked itself into an energy vacuum and created a small black hole of worthlessness on my desk.
Happy that you've held off the inevitable a bit longer, I see
This, on the other hand, is a face you will not see that often. This is the face your classy street woman makes when she finally gets a victory. You may also notice from looking at that picture that she does not have any teeth. Obviously someone down at the local NES strip bar must slap the holy fuck out of her every time she makes that stupid victory smile. And I personally don’t blame whoever does it either. Victory hording bitch.
You'll be sticking that tongue somewhere else soon enough
When you see this face, you know it is now time to get down to business. Every time you make $1,000 off your woman, they give you the angry face, which means she is about to remove some type of clothing. Finally, all of your yawning and random button pressing is about to pay off, and your woman starts making these strange little kiss-like faces. They do that for a moment, then the screen shakes for some reason… and well… then you are treated to the sleaze that this game promised. And here it is, in all of its glory:
If I was eight and in 1989 I'd probably have an erection.
At $1,000 you are treated to this ever-so-sexy picture. However, after you stop ogling at her long enough, you will notice the dialogue, and instantly turn into a useless laughing mound of flesh for around 30 minutes. I have to remember to use that line sometime.
Me: Hello, I am Full House Billy. Are you feeling lucky tonight? Wanna fill up my house?
Clerk at gas station: *calls police*
Screw it, I've got an erection now.
At $2,000, I had developed a system for reaching the 1,000 plateau quite easily. I just bet a lot of money on every hand, no matter what I had, and I would usually win. This is because the developer of the game decided that instead of giving the computer artificial intelligence, he would instead try something totally new and amazing, thus giving the computer artificial retardation. So once I reached 2000 dollars by closing my eyes and throwing my controller at the wall, I was glad to finally see that Francine had shed her clothing. She lay there, prone, vulnerable… waiting for me to play my “big hand” on her. And I will. As soon as I finish crying.
uh huh...
At $3,000, Francine dons some very naughty neglige, sits on a brick wall, and starts insinuating that we might be doing some very naughty things while watching her. Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to justify how I had spent 15 minutes playing this game, instead of pleasuring myself to the exotic color pallete of Francine.
whoa
At $4,000, you get what may be the funniest line of the game. HAHA! That silly Francine! They always did say that red heads have the best personalities. I wonder if red is her real hair color though? Perhaps in a few more hands I will know. But then again, being a modern NES woman, there may be nothing to see. Except maybe lots and lots of STD’s.
WHOA
This is what you see at $5,000. Having lost all of her clothing, and a good portion of both your’s and her dignity, Francine questions just how she could possibly lose so much. And to answer her, it is a little bit of both sweetheart, a little bit of both.
The above continues on and on, as you play through all 3 girls, getting tons of money, losing brain cells, and having the pure satisfaction knowing that you are totally wasting your life along the way. The AI stays as simple as a retarded door-knob, the pictures never change, and the boredom stays at a near constant. Stay away from this game, unless 8-bit T&A is your thing, or you are so desperate to see a naked woman that you would stoop to this level. At least it is a bit more satisfying than some of Atari’s offerings.
The name “Full House Francine” alone easily puts it over the top.
