OMGJeremy

Movie Review: Demon Beast Invasion Pt.1

I originally saw this movie a couple of years ago when I went to Tampa, and a friend showed it to me. They had told me before how awful it was, but I didn’t quite believe that it could be as badly awesome as they proclaim. “A monster bursting out of a woman’s vagina and through another man’s torso? No way!” I would proclaim. Little did I know that such a high mark for awfulness actually existed, and when I finally did see it, I was thoroughly blown away. It’s impact probably wouldn’t have been as large if I hadn’t just drunk two bottles of hard apple cider, and had already been running off four hours of sleep for the last two days. But as it stood, my drunken sleep-deprived stupor only helped aid what was already a movie made just for me. It’s like when potheads get high and play with bright children’s toys, only this was much sadder in many ways since I was lying on a bed slowly dying while vomiting on myself. Whatever it was though, I knew after sitting through two hours of animated shit, that there’s no way I could EVER do justice to that film, and simply passed it off forever.

And it really is the truth. There’s no way I can do this film justice by describing it to you. It’s really one of those things where you simply have to watch it before you realize what I’m talking about. Unlike other reviews, where you can probably just look at the pictures and get twice as much enjoyment/horror out of the movie than actually watching it, Demon Beast Invasion isn’t like that. It’s an experience. It’s like only being told what it’s like to be hit in the face with a tire iron, rather than actually experiencing it yourself. But I’m going to try my best, as I think this movie deserves to be shown to the public as what it is:

One of the greatest films ever crafted by highly coked up Japanese dudes.

I know that’s a bold statement, but I plan, during the course of this review, to SHOW you why this is. I have proof, and just enough patience to show it to you before I begin playing with my Transformers again. Demon Beast Invasion is filled with the most insane plot ever, the worst animation ever, the worst voice acting ever, and the absolute worst tentacle sex ever created, that it simply cannot be denied as the best movie ever made. Because when so many negatives build up on something, it HAS to be good. But under that same assumption one must reason that if someone gathered up enough maggots in a pile that they would eventually become something more appealing. But this site has never gotten very far with any type of logic, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it. Sometimes being bad can be a very good thing. So let’s take a look at Demon Beast Invasion, and you can judge for yourself.

Our review will begin mostly starting in the second half of Demon Beast invasion, as the first half is largely unspectacular, and is mostly a set up for the second half of the movie. But for a brief explanation of what went on, it went something like this: Guy likes girl, but girl likes other guy, both guys happen to be part of a space detective agency which tracks and kills evil demons intent on destroying the Earth. Demon attacks Earth by killing people in spectacular displays of animation stupidity. Demon possesses the guy the girl likes the most. Guy has sex with girl, turns into demon, other guy kills him, the end. Well, not quite. The girl is now effectively impregnated with another demon, and the other guy still didn’t get the girl to like him much, since he *did* kill her only one true love. WAY TO GO, SLICK. Anyway, that’s where part two begins, so let’s get down to bidness.

We begin the movie with, well, just what I said in the previous paragraph. A really LONG look at what happened in the previous episode. It’s made even better with the fact that there is only one voice over explaining things, while super 80′s keyboard rawk plays in the background. Then for some reason the voice over stops talking… but the movie continues showing the last episode… for like five minutes. With just the keyboard synth blaring. Finally, right before I press fast forward, the voice mysteriously returns to tell me this is episode two and shit’s about to go down. At least the synth music has stopped. Oh, and it should also be noted that my video of this has an annoying green bar that constantly flashes at the top of the screen, somehow making this movie more annoying to watch than it already is.

Fade into just another normal day, except it’s not, and it’s also night time. The girl from the first movie is dreaming about things most people don’t dream about at night. Like crazy demons having sex with her and them destroying the Earth. This obviously has something to do with the alien demon inside her, or it could be that the animators decided to forgo subtlety in favor of realizing their viewers are most likely retarded, which easily explains the plot in one fell swoop. But we’ll deal with that later, as the girl has began masturbating while her crotch glows with energy. This could ALSO have something to do with the demon. HMMMM…

But before we find out, we cut to a gym full of women exercising. And while I realize that this scene is supposed to be sexy in a way, with the girls in tight clothes bouncing around, we quickly realize that the animation for this movie is virtually nonexistent. I’m not exaggerating in the least when I say that there is maybe a maximum of four frames of animation in every scene. It also appears none of these characters were animated by what we humans consider “normal movement” as most of the time people move independent of the laws of physics and the limits of what the human body can move. It also looks like something a gradeschooler would be ashamed of. Here’s a perfect example:

Perfect

Believe it or not, he’s talking, even though it clearly appears his jaw is trying to forcefully remove itself from his face. Now imagine the entire movie filled with that animation, and you can see why it’s hard to get across the full dramatic quotient of each scene.

So this whole gym scene is pretty much useless, except to introduce the girl’s closest friend, who also happens to be a girl that looks exactly like her, except with red hair, and will surely die in some horrible way soon.

After the girl leaves the gym and begins walking home, she notices she’s being followed by someone. She, like most women, automatically come to the immediate conclusion of “RAPE” and hides in a dark alley while he passes by. But we all know by now that dark alleys are home to drunken horny and mostly violent men, so of course she’s grabbed from behind and dragged to a park where her new drunken friend goes about tearing her clothes off and sounding absolutely hilarious while doing so. It’s like the voice actor was actually a drunk homeless man hired off the street, because even though his only real job is to sound drunk, he still manages to screw that up somehow. Again, it’s one of those things you just have to see, there’s no way I could describe how bad it is without coming to your house, playing it for you and saying “SEE?! DO YOU SEE NOW?! QUIT CRYING AND LAUGH.”

But what I can describe well is what happens next. The horrid drunk takes out whatever that large bulge was in his pants, and gets to feel what it’s like to do a hot young anime girl. But only for a few seconds, until he begins screaming in horrible pain, as the place where his mighty meat once resided is now nothing but a bloody stump. Either our girl is the tightest college girl on Earth, or we’re about to see that whole demon come back into play in the most horrible way ever. And just like that, we get a demon snake thing bursting out of the girl’s crotch and wrapping itself around the poor drunk’s neck, ultimately eating his head. Admittedly the girl is rather shocked that a demon snake is in her stuff, and just ate a man’s head, so she passes out, only to wake up in her apartment thinking it was all a dream. Yes… just a dream…

Cut to the guy from the first movie. The one that killed the demon. He’s still got a thing for the girl, even though he knows she’s not exactly in the position to want to date at the moment. Having been fucked by her boyfriend that turned into a demon and watching him get blown up and all. But he still calls her to try his luck, not surprisingly she’s still rather stressed and bitches at him in her best “I have feelings too!” way. Like all girls do when they obviously don’t want to be seen around you. He hangs up, rather pissed and goes off to the nearest seedy bar where he’s picked up by some slut to cue a sex scene. But before the sex scene can hit a maximum of 7 frames of animation, someone has the nerve to bust in on them! And in the words of our guy:

"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO ME."

Er… yes. Well, anyway this guy is actually the same person that was following the girl earlier when she left the gym. He immediately explains that he’s his new partner in the demon police force, and that the girl has been impregnated with a demon baby. The guy brushes this off, and so does the director, as we switch back to the girl’s apartment!

It appears that the girl’s best friend is back and paying a visit to our stressed out pregnant bitch. The friend offers some kind words to make her cheer up a bit, but not until our girl curls into a ball on the floor screaming in pain. The shocked friend immediately runs to call for an ambulance, but is quickly grabbed by several tentacles that have suddenly grown out of our girl, just like before. But this time, the evil cunt monster isn’t satisfied with simply eating her head, and instead goes into full on tentacle sex mode. There’s nothing like good old fashioned tentacle sex, except for when the voice actor for the raped girl has the most annoying scream ever, which you can tell is her “Hell I better be getting paid for this” scream. At one point it genuinely sounds like she begins crying, and I honestly can’t blame her.

The tentacle party is broken up though when that other stalker guy from the demon police shows up and ruins the demon’s plans. The demon recoils back where it’s safe, but the guy is more than ready to kill both him and the girl if necessary. The demon sees this, and instantly decides to birth itself and fly through the window into the night, ready to spread its horror upon the unsuspecting sex-crazed public. And just what will that incur? You’ll just have to wait until next week, as I am much too tired to finish this right now. Especially with thirty fucking more minutes left in the film. You know the drill.

TO BE CONTINUED