OMGJeremy

Reader Submission Corner: Guide to International Travel

Submitted by: Tony

Most of the time I go through life absorbed in my microcosm of a world, I am focused on that which is immediately relevant to my everyday life. But, every now and then, I wipe the sleeping medication induced crust from my eyelids and remember that there is an entire world out there, teeming with interesting cultures, landscapes, and intense hallucinogenic drugs that I can only dream of. Such a daunting endeavor it is to go forth from the comfort of your own hot pocket wrapper and porn laden home to travel halfway across the world to another country where, not only can you not communicate effectively with anyone, but just drinking the water could make your ass squirt blood faster than the hot pockets and beer do. That is why I have compiled this thorough guide to international travel, so that you may one day venture forth from your dark cave with confidence and poise.

Despite the monetary cost, international travel is quite rewarding. We have all heard the cliched stories of how much you will appreciate what you have when you see real poverty, or whatever other humanitarian shit-spew that international travelers rub your face in to elicit guilt and shame for not eating sewer garbage and donkey jizz. But despite the inspirational quality of such stories, this is not where the true value of travel is found. Only through true grit and determination can an individual hope to force their own micro-culture on unsuspecting residents in a foreign country.

Tip 1: Time Changes are for Pussies

Unless you happen to pick one of the countries that are on the same longitude as where you currently live, you will find that the time continuum has been disrupted, resulting in other countries being stuck in the future or in the past. While most travelers adapt to this dimensional time vortex in a couple of days, you must remain strong and retain your American sleep schedule. This can be quite challenging when you are preparing your tissues and lotion for a morning rub down as you notice the sun is setting on the horizon. Such an occurrence can cause serious injury to your highly regimented brain that craves its morning release so it is important to just ignore this difference and work on your schedule; besides, you didn’t spend thousands of dollars and hours in the fondling booth at the airport getting your rectum checked for nail files and bags of heroin just to work on the “correct” local time, right?

Tip 2: “Touristy” Attractions are Called that for a Reason

Another hunk of putrid bile soaked bullshit that you may hear from experienced travelers is that it is better to explore on your own or with a close friend as opposed to taking a highly structured tour with a bus full of camera toting white people and Asians. This, like most things you hear from the “experienced,” is a conceited lie meant only to instill a sense of awe and amazement at the traveler’s cultural prowess. You are a tourist after all, and you sure as fuck should act like one, otherwise you will just end up in a dumpster in some back alley of India after a group of street urchin kids shank you in the spine to steal the immensely valuable pocket lint and wadded up tissues in your fanny pack. Taking a structured tour ensures that you get to see the best sites exactly as they are on every post card or picture. Wanna know why you don’t see any pictures of the back of the Taj Mahal? Because no one gives a fuck about the back of the Taj Mahal except for the “experienced” shit-stain international traveler.

Having locals take pictures of you in front of buildings and objects with your expensive camera is an important activity for any tourist.

It is also important that you not only do “touristy” things, but you look “touristy” as well. By wearing a flamboyantly colored fanny pack, cargo shorts, bug spray, and of course, having a camera around your neck, you are making sure that God remembers you are American, and not actually a member of whatever shit-hole country you are in. This will ensure your safety should a catastrophic tsunami, earthquake, or nuking occur and you will magically be lifted from the tragedy so that you have a good angle for pictures.

Tip 3: Immerse Yourself in the Culture… and Then Mock It

Perhaps the most important element of any international travel is the culture. Oh the culture! You may find in this far and distant land that people do things differently from how they are done in America. Well, it would probably be more correct to say they do things “less right” than they are done in America. The food, music, television, art, and even the internet are often imitated, but never accurately recreated in foreign countries. You may even try to find an American-based food chain such as McDonald’s or Dominoes to ease your travel bowel woes, but alas you have been deceived because no matter how familiar it may look, it was created with the sweat and blood of the impoverished, literally sometimes.

It is ever important while traveling abroad to remind all non-American people around you that you are from the land of the free and the home of the brave by immediately discarding whatever “unique world view” they have to offer. If their world view was better wouldn’t they have a bald fucking eagle on their flag? As a citizen of this fine country it is your duty to spread Americanism as much as possible: bring a Bruce Springsteen CD to put in at the local karaoke bar, wear that American flag bandana your veteran uncle who jerks off during Christmas dinner gave you, shit sitting down, whatever you can do to make sure that the stars and stripes have thoroughly slithered their way deep into the bowels of the locals, locking onto their vital organs in brutal parasitic fashion.

Required items for traveling abroad: passports, visas, American Flag Fanny Packs.

Tip 4: Don’t Drink the Water

As much as your “experienced,” friends may lie to you, there is one truth that they do often speak. That is: don’t drink the water. Often the butt of many jokes, the water in many foreign countries will actually make your asshole do unspeakable things you thought were only reserved for people dying from Ebola or the plague. The truth is, foreign countries intentionally pollute their water with bacteria that targets only the literate and affluent, thereby overlooking the vast majority of their population while wreaking intestinal havoc on wealthy traveling Americans. This is often exacerbated by a lack of adequate ass-squirting facilities, or even worse, you may actually have to PAY to use a fucking toilet. Such subterfuge is meant solely to give foreign inhabitants a kick as they watch you squirm while holding back the torrential diarrhea caused by their subtle chemical warfare and only enhances the need to follow step 3. Bottom line, buy bottled water and make sure it has one of those crisp unbroken seals on the lid to make sure some homeless lush didn’t just mix piss and bleach.

Señor Giardia and all his pals are ready to FUCK YOU UP.

Tip 5: Come Home “Enlightened”

Upon your return things may seem… different. This is normal. This just means that your body must readjust to the wonders of civilized life where water doesn’t liquify your innards and people only pray once a week. The sunrise will seem like the first, like staring God straight in the eyes as you make sex with a Jesus doll wrapped in an American flag… oh the flag. The wondrous red, white, blue, and eagle. It may come as a surprise that maybe those taint fuckers who droned on endlessly about how much you will appreciate home may have been a little bit right. Not a lot right, because you knew your way of life is the only and the best, but a little bit.

Now that you have experienced the world outside of your little “eat, sleep, spend, fuck” bubble, you must return and give rambling accounts of your epic, culturally immersed journey to everyone in a fucking ten mile radius at all times. This is the most important element of international travel because it lets everyone know how much better you are, thus supporting Americanism in its purist form. It is now appropriate to listen to NPR and watch BBC because you are savvy in the ways of the world, you are a brave adventurer who went, saw, and conquered with an open mind. You have been enriched and can now package your entire trip into a one hour speech that picks every story worthy element apart from the actual truth with brutal ass-fucking honesty. You can now be one of the “experienced,” giving out life lessons and selling weed to youngsters at the YMCA. More importantly, you have a reason to act pompous, to walk with your head high, to indulge in every possible mind-altering substance that comes your way… not because it makes you feel good, but because you have been enlightened by international travel.