OMGJeremy

Hentai Review: Frantic Female and Frustrated Part 3

Ah hentai, will you ever cease to amaze me?

I say this because today’s review has not only reassured me that hentai is the most sadly humorous form of entertainment ever created, but also because this movie contains some of the most laughably insane scenes that I have ever witnessed. And any movie featuring a prominent role for a blow-up sex doll with a giant afro is more than deserving of anyone’s amazement. Yes, that movie is none other than F3 Part 3, the final (I really, really, hope) episode in the F3 trilogy.

If you missed our first two reviews of parts one and two of F3, then I suggest you go read them now, so that you might have at least a basic underlying knowledge of what is happening so far in these films as far as plot goes. If however, you are too lazy to go back and read those reviews, or simply do not have a high threshold for pain, then I will do my best to sum up what has happened so far in brief episode rundowns below:

• Episode 1: We meet our main character. She is a perfectly normal teenage girl, except she cannot bring herself to orgasm. Ever. Wacky fun and lesbian sex ensues.
• Episode 2: We meet our main character. She is a perfectly normal teenage girl, except she cannot bring herself to orgasm. Ever. Wacky fun and lesbian sex ensues. Just a lot more than episode 1.

And so with reading that, you should be primed and ready to jump right into episode 3, which I’m pretty sure will not be straying too much from the course the first two episodes took. They always say you should never fix what isn’t broken, and it seems all the lesbian sex and large marital aids from the first two episodes will probably be making a strong return in part 3. It’s an unlikely combination for a successful and entertaining show, and F3 always seems to pull it off, just without ever being successful or entertaining. So with that said, let’s jump right into today’s review, and pray to God and any other mystical being you can think of that this will be the last time I ever have to write a boring opening diatribe for an F3 movie.

F3 Part 3

If you are thrown off by the title of this movie, then please be aware that this is indeed F3 Part 3, as opposed to F3 Part 2, or Part 1, or that one movie with Gwyneth Paltrow where she looks as if her mouth is about to drop off her face. Oh wait, that’s every movie that has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. What an actress! Anyway, we will indeed be seeing F3 Part 3 today, which will probably continue the storyline of the first two episodes in the loosest way possible, so the director can insert as much nonsensical sex into the film as possible. Or simply do what he seems to do best, and make the plot up as he goes along.

F3 Part 3 starts off logically enough, as we rejoin our heroine after another long night of lesbian sex with her mother, sister, and co-ed naked lesbian friend. She is of course sad and angry at herself for not being able to come at all, and shows her anger by screaming Japanese words really loud. But all is not well in Japan World this night, which the director clues us unsuspecting retards in by playing creepy music and having lighting strike in ominous and scary ways. But even with the obvious evil overtones happening, our heroine is completely oblivious to such things, and is more concerned about her current status as a freak of nature. She then decides to continue her screaming at the window, but before she can belt out another annoying shriek, the camera zooms through the window to indicate that it is time for the title screen to appear, and inform us that we are watching F3 Part 3, which seems to be called “Night of the F3,” or something like that.

After the horror that is the title screen of bare minimum production values, we rejoin the movie, and find that one of the lesbians is walking down a dark hall while more lightening strikes. I’m going to do a dangerous thing now and take a hint that this episode of F3 is going to try and parody a horror film. This probably isn’t a good thing, since the previous two episodes of F3 were already frightening enough without even trying to be scary. But now that the director has gone all out horror movie free-flow style on us, and is currently breaking it down proper, I’m not sure I’ll be able to sit through such horrors. It’s not the horror movie thing that scares me though, since I can usually sit through any horror movie and point out thousands of very slight inconsistencies in each scene of the movie until my friends start paying me money to leave the room and go do something else. In general, I do not find them very scary, but we must realize that this is F3, and if the director could think up the previous two episodes without being sedated and secured tightly to a chair with strong rope, then there is no telling what kind of true horrors this man might be able to think up. You may be sitting there thinking that I am simply trying to be humorous. Well you’d be wrong, because I am never humorous, and the things that will happen in this film are probably much worse than you can imagine.

Meanwhile, back in the room, our heroine and her friends hear a scream and decide it might be a good idea to go see who might have died in some horrible gory way. As they inch down the hall of foreboding music, they eventually find the source of the screaming. It seems our victim was not brutally murdered after all, and has simply had approximately thirty dildos inserted into her various orifices, to which the other characters just kind of brush off. I really can’t blame them though, as this seems to be a pretty normal occurrence anyway. But what does get their attention however, is a gooey substance on the poor victimized girl, which they immediately identify as a man’s semen. Let me repeat that in all caps so that it hammers into your brain: A MAN’S SEMEN.

But how could she have been with a man if there is no man in the house whatsoever? That’s a good question, and one that will probably have surprising results once I get around to writing about it. As for now though, our group of frightened, half-naked lesbians do what any group of frightened half-naked lesbians would do in a horror movie: They split up.

We begin following our heroine and her sister as they investigate the kitchen of slight spookiness, until our heroine begins speaking very strangely. We can tell this because the voice coming from our heroine is not the high-pitched shrill we have all come to know and cover our ears from. No, instead she seems to have a very manly voice, and is making suggestive comments to her sister about if she ever wanted to have sex with a man. Of course her sister thinks nothing of this until she turns around, and to her horror, finds that our heroine has become possessed by an evil demon, and has, of course, grown a fairly large penis as a result.

Now please excuse me while I VOMIT FOREVER. It gets even better when our heroine coaxes her sister into having oral sex, and several other forms of sex until the rest of the group arrives to see the horror before them. Unfortunately, their reaction isn’t quite as severe as mine, which involves lots and lots of screaming.

So the problem has presented itself. We have a small teenage girl that has been possessed by an evil demon, grown a penis, and has an insatiable urge to have sex with every woman in the building. Something must be done to rectify this situation before it gets out of hand and more horribly disturbing scenes are imagined by the director, who I am convinced by now is not human, and instead some highly concentrated form of hate and crippling fear. So who you gonna call? You gonna call a psychic. A sexy psychic!

Our sexy psychic arrives just in time to help do away with the evil presence that has manifested in the crotch of our young heroine. She decides that the only way to perhaps make the demon leave is to shock it into leaving. But how are they going to do this? And furthermore, why can’t I see anything out of my left eye? The answers will surely surprise both of us, as one of them has absolutely nothing to do with jamming a fork into my eye from the sheer terror of this movie. Anyway, the psychic informs everyone that they simply need to let our demon-posessed heroine give them oral sex, while she administers some oral pleasure herself. She continues to do this until our heroine finally comes with a nice big wad of spirit love-goo, and is thoroughly in after-glow mode. The psychic then decides to finally administer the shock to both the demon and what’s left of my frail existence by revealing that, yes, she has a penis too.

This certainly shocks our very manly demon, as he cannot believe he just got sucked off by a man, or close proximity thereof. But instead of having the effect of making the demon leave, the demon instead decides to simply go hogshit insane, and unleashes his hate upon everyone by possessing every sex toy in the room, making them form giant mutant sex toys, and then chasing after the girls. Okay.

To have a better understanding of the ninth layer of hell that is currently materializing inside my TV, I think we should take the time to look at these new characters in detail. This will not only let you get an idea of what exactly these characters are, but also to prove that I am not making these up, or imagined these things just to entertain myself.

Dildo Crabs: What happens when a bunch of dildos get possessed and are really pissed off? Why you join together into some type of weird crab animal, and fly around! I’m sorry, you’re just gonna have to imagine this to be a plausible scenario. This character is by far the most menacing, as I really can’t imagine I would find anything more frightening than a mass of dildos shaped like crabs floating around my room.

Stuffed Animal Strap-On: The stuffed bear gets possessed, and the strap-on dildo gets possessed, so why not join together to make the most disturbing thing ever imagined by the human mind? Not only is it cute and cuddly, but it also has a nine inch rubber penis attached to it. I have to admit that this is far more plausible thanks to various online amateur porn video streaming sites. Oh, it can also fly too.

Blow-Up Afro Man of Love: There is nothing more I need to describe of this since the picture tells more than I ever could. Just know that it is alive, it has an afro, and it floats around slowly, eating my sanity.

Now that you’ve met the trio of terror, let’s move on. The girls continue to panic and run through the house being taken down one by one in typical horror movie fashion until the only two left is the Mother and the psychic. Seeing the desperate situation before them, the psychic decides to once again throw out another brilliant plan. One that, JUST MIGHT WORK. Her idea this time is to simply bargain with the demon. The deal is as follows: The psychic and the demon will square off in a one on one sex frenzy. If the psychic comes first, the demon gets to have his way with everyone. However, if the psychic wins, the demon will leave forever. So the two go at it for a few minutes, and not surprisingly the demon starts to win in this war of gyrating bodies. The psychic was prepared for this however, and still has a trump card to play before it’s over. Right before the demon is about to put on the “finishing touches” the psychic gives the signal to the mother, who reveals a massive dildo and continues to SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP THE DEMON’S ASS.

When this happened, I screamed. My dog screamed. My dead ancestors rose from the grave and screamed. The future generation of my family built a time machine, teleported to my living room, and screamed. Then I screamed again.

Anyway, by doing this, it makes the demon come first, thus making him realize that he is gay, and he decides to leave. The evil monsters are then unpossessed, the spirit leaves, and all is well enough for everyone to go ahead and have a lesbian sex scene before the movie finally ends. Afterwards, the credits thankfully roll, signaling it is safe to remove the plastic bag from my face.

Yes. It’s over. It’s finally over. The F3 series is officially closed as far as I’m concerned, as that was one of the most horrible things I have ever seen in my life. Looking back, the F3 series seems to have been nothing more than a worthless excuse to push the limits of stupidity, and the amount of stupidity you could fit into 25 minutes. On that idea alone, F3 has excelled beyond anyone’s expectations. Even my own, which is not easy. Especially coming from someone who sat through Sailor Moon and the Seven Ballz without crying out to God to strike me down. It takes a pretty special movie to make me want to stop living, and F3 came very, very close.

But that’s it folks. This officially signals the end of our three part review of F3, which seems to have lasted at least six years in doing so. I hope by seeing this you will stay far away from F3, and if you do want to see it, hopefully it will be for comedic value only. And on that note, I leave you with the only image that I can think of that accurately describes what I think about F3 as a whole:

Yes, I'm still screaming.