OMGJeremy

Thames Gateway Project: An Investigation

In a valiant effort to keep our dedicated readers abreast of important current events, we at OMGJeremy have decided to thrust upon you information concerning a controversial project underway on England Island. We are selflessly bettering ourselves by taking our limited, narrow awarenesses and expanding them to reach a global level. Someday, we aim to be your primary source of universal news.

We believe strongly in maintaining a strident level of journalistic integrity by bringing you honest OPINIONS on facts that MAY OR MAY NOT be relevant or true. We also have an affinity for trying to entertain while educating. Hopefully we’ll get better as time goes on, we don’t know.

It just so happens that a few weeks ago now, Jeremy and I (this is Amanda writing this part) happened to stumble upon a youtube video someone made of a humorous “old fashioned newsreel” sort of informational video speaking of the Thames Gateway Project. He and I immediately had a hundred questions bubble forth! We brainstormed and wrote them all down, like real news journalists and realized that we did not know who we should actually ask. Of course we then thought of Trev, our only British Source that we actually TRUST and who also happens to be one of our very own writers so he should totally be available for intraw!

It took several weeks to finally track down Trev and at least one journalist had to stay up until 9am human time in order to finally get this story to you.

Trev: Also, I should say at this point, that I am the opposite of knowledgeable about the Thames Gateway project.

Amanda: Were you aware of its existence?
Trev: Yes.
Amanda: Then you are an authority compared to us.

Trev: It is a big regeneration project around the southeast, right?
Amanda: Yeah something like that. It doesn’t matter.

So sit tight, OMGJ Readers, and put on your Reading Pants. But be warned: they will soon be BLASTED OFF with heaps of CURRENT KNOWLEDGE!!!

OMGJeremy: Is it true that London is a place?
Trev: Yes, it has been a place since at least 1880.

Amanda: Trev do you think the Thames Gateway is going to revitalize the spirit of southern England?
Trev: Maybe? Will it involve biscuits?
Amanda: Oh you don’t know about the state of the biscuits either? I shall scratch out the next question then. Well how about this: Would you agree that the areas they are renovating are truly derelict? How WOULD you characterize the area 40 miles south of London, bordering the River Thames? No, you cannot say derelict because I said it just now.
Trev: I grew up in one of them, haven’t been to most of them, and given my understanding of ‘truly derelict’, I’d have to say… no. It’s somewhere between a post-apocalyptic wasteland and Eden.

Step 1: Try to catch the interviewee in LIES.

OMGJeremy: What is the terrible secret they are trying to cover up? Is it the Loch Ness Monster?
Trev: Yes, the famous fictional monster from a remote Scottish loch is actually in a heavily trafficked river in the Southern English heartland.
Amanda: CONFESSION!

Mr Holiday: IF IT WAS YOUR MOTHER, WOULD YOU HAVE HER LIVE HERE???
Trev: Where?

Amanda: Trev, do you intend to move into the new housing there? It looks as though it will be home to a magnificent view and a burgeoning pride amongst tenants.
Trev: Sure! That’s my favourite kind of pride, so why not?

Amanda: Have you ever been to the future site of the Thames Gateway? Please tell us how it smells.
Trev: I grew up on the future site of the Thames Gateway, so the bit I was in smelt of the sea, and occasionally of freshly cut grass (normally only when I was on a field where the grass had just been cut). Once it smelt of burnt hair, after someone burnt some hair in school.

Amanda: Trev, are you even aware of what the Thames Gateway Project is or what it aims to do?
Trev: A bit. Mostly deduced from the questions you’ve already asked. I know what the Thames is (a river) and what it aims to do (be wet, and river-esque).

OMGJeremy: If you could live in the Thames, what kind of Loch Ness Monster would you be?
Trev: Homesick.

Amanda: How much industrial pollution is commonly found in Thames River?
Trev: A million.

Future site of the Thames Gateway Project Thing: A Million Pollution and More!

Amanda: Why is it pronounced Tims when it looks like it should be pronounced Thames with a long A and soft TH? Is this “British Humour”?
Trev: I pronounce it ‘Tems.’ Nobody has ever laughed.
Amanda: I just did. Right now. [editor’s note: it was 8am at the time of that laughter]
Trev: Touché

Mr Holiday: Would you feel comfortable eating a marmite sandwich on the porch of one of the new houses?
Trev: Absolutely. Anytime, anywhere. Marmite is the great leveller.

OMGJeremy: Would I be able to comfortably raise wildlife and Indian families in my new Thames Gateway house like most London people do?
Trev: No, no and maybe.

Mr Holiday: Are you so confident in this renewal process that you will move in and open a Hawaiian shirt stand?
Trev: We’ve not got the weather for it yet. I’ll give it a few years and see how global warming goes.

Amanda: If you were in control of the Thames Gateway Project, would you have chosen to build housing projects or something that you feel is far more appropriate or meaningful? What would you choose and why? Please hurry up, we don’t have all day.
Trev: I would’ve built a giant ferris wheel with large transparent capsules capable of carrying maybe 20 people at a time, affording them magnificent views of London, a city they can be proud of.
Amanda: Why aren’t you in control of the Thames Gateway Project?
Trev: A lack of experience, training and gumption.

Amanda: Jeremy and I happened upon the information regarding this project by chance. When were you planning to tell us about the existence of the Thames Gateway Project?
Trev: At its completion. It’s always better to talk about what you’ve done, rather than what you’re going to do.

Mr Holiday: Would you date a girl that lived in that area, and not hide the fact from your friends?
Trev: Hypothetically, yes. If you have a specific girl in mind, no.

OMGJeremy: Will fish and chips still be referred to as fish and chips in the new Thames Gatehouses? Or will society run loose and feral and break free from its Britainy ways?
Trev: Most people have kebabs or curries – I expect little change.
OMGJeremy: Will this cause the state of London teeth to improve as well?
Trev: I find your stereotypes offensive.
Amanda: Can you estimate how much curry will be made within the first year of residents moving into the Thames Houses?
Trev: Seven at least.

We have included a still from the series of future advertisements that Trev has been contracted to do.

OMGJeremy: If you were the Loch Ness Monster and lived in the Thames, how would you feel about the Gateway Project? What if you had babies?
Trev: Depends – am I a single parent?
Amanda: Yes, there is only one Loch Ness Monster.
Trev: So I wouldn’t have babies then?
Amanda: … except for the babies.. WELL LISTEN. Jeremy wandered off and I can’t even begin to understand his way of thinking. Next question!

: Did they decide to “revitalize” a dilapidated, disgusting area forty miles away from the city of London in order to actually move a good portion of society’s least desirables outside of the city limits in order to improve some demographic or another?
Trev: No idea.
Amanda: That’s generally what they do in America.
Trev: How awful!

Amanda: With this newfound knowledge of a majorly selfish injustice being the driving force behind the Thames Gateway, do you feel compelled, as an Englishman and a Londoner, to stage a protest and a noisy picket of the construction process?
Trev: Absolutely not – how vulgar.
OMGJeremy: Would you raise a sword and holler, if it was so needed?
Trev: Neither.

Amanda: Please share with us some of the picket sign slogans you would be using which I know you must already be brainstorming.
Trev: Let’s Give Everyone a Nice, Affordable Place to Live (not very catchy, I know).
Amanda: Calm down! There’s no need to get so violently outraged by things that are mostly outside of our control! It isn’t healthy Trev, please simmer down. It is all I ask.
[We wait until he calms down a bit before continuing]
Amanda: Will the Trevorist strike again?
Trev: This interview is over.

And that, friends, was when Trev stormed out of the Internet and we haven’t heard from him since. Relationships: damaged. Lives: ruined. Interview: a RAGING SUCCESS???

I think it is SO!