Day to day life can put a lot of wear and tear on you. I know first-hand, as someone who has spent years working hard and having little time to relax. I get stressed out, I get tired, I get sore… but what can I do about it? A massage would help, but where can I get one of those? There is one massage parlor nearby, but I think a dude works there and I don’t want some guy rubbing me down, our arm hair getting intertwined. Sadly, we don’t have any of THOSE sorts of massage parlors, the one where the young and attractive female employees go above and beyond to “pleasure” their customers. So what do I do? Yeah, I could just ask my ladyfriend and she would do it… but we will act like I haven’t thought of that, for the sake of the article.

Thankfully a hero has emerged, for all who are alone and in need of a proper massage. The 360 Community (now Indie Games) has several massage “game” offerings for you. Now you might be asking how a simple application that makes your controller violently vibrate could pass off as a “game”… well just don’t ask that. I took it upon myself to try these out after a rough day. I came in through the door, kicked my shoes off, kicked my pants off, and sat down to review each individual game. You can read what I had to say about them below.

A Perfect Massage

Pretty bold claims from this title. It presents you with several options right out of the gate. You can configure the controls manually or use one of the programmed modes. They include:

• Tropical: Ease your tension with this program that mixes all kind of soothing pulses.
• Volcano: Progressive rumbling program that finishes into a gigantic explosion (just like at the back alley parlors)
• Ocean: Relax with this program based on the rhythm (typo’d as “rythm”) of ocean waves.
• Swedish: A five step program that simulates the well known Swedish massage.

 

The best I can tell, these do differ slightly. I felt instant relief in my incredibly sore shoulders, and a tingling that I could only assume was the gigantic explosion that was being talked about – but nothing happened. That was okay, because I didn’t feel like getting up to clean up after anyhow. You can also use your controller to vibrate any additional controllers, in case you have a few friends over who are also very sore and in need of a good massage. I imagine the next time I have some of my friends over, we’ll skip the Mario Kart or Smackdown vs. Raw and just have a good old fashioned massage party.

This one also has the most feminine cover, in my opinion. Does that mean anything? No, not really.

Remote Masseuse

This title probably has the most awesome title screen of them all. Surely it took years for an artist to craft it. You notice your list of options includes “Network Session.”  Yes, you can control another controller of a friend from far away. I imagine this brings long-distance relationships up to a whole new level. Many nights spent on the headset, asking your partner, “Where’s ya control at baby?” Sadly, Jeremy was not available at the moment so I could not test it out. Instead I try the solo session. Nice that they include the word “solo” just to remind you of how alone you are.

 

The controls are a little strange here, you use the left stick to control the strength of the motor… yes the motor. You also control how weak you would like the motor. No, strength and weakness are not the same apparently. You can set the controller to be as strong as possible, but at the same time make it as weak as possible. You sorta get this slight twitching effect, like your 360 controller is having a death-spasm. This feels especially good on the inner thighs. I recommend letting the very end of the 360 controller make contact with your naughty parts, for a little well-earned treat.

Rumble Massage

This title suggests that we are going to get down and dirty. Let’s get ready to rumble! Up to 4 people can join in on the relaxation, because what better way for a group of guys to bond than while gathering around the 360 getting massages? Few things are straighter and more natural than 4 people just letting themselves go and moaning in pleasure at the same time. If you have nosy neighbors you might want to start taping mattresses to the walls. You are offered several modes: Fail Mode (the weakest), Sissy mode, Chill mode, Relaxation mode, Power mode, and Epic mode (no annoying meme-spouting kid was behind this one I bet).

 

I do have to say that this game manages to take your controller to the limits. Several times I didn’t know what was going to break first, my neck or the 360 controller. Certainly the choice for those who like it rough. Also a good choice if your ex is crawling back to you and is willing to do anything to win you back. I say strap them down and shove a controller in their ass and put this thing on full blast. Put towels underneath them, as I had to retire to the bathroom about 5 minutes after using it and I only had it on my neck and back. So a great massage, and a non-invasive enema! Thank you Rumble Massage!

Shiatsu Massage

The ancient art is no longer only able to be applied by those experienced and dedicated enough to learn it. You too can possess the powers of the best massage therapist, you don’t need to read up or go to school or anything like that – you just need 200 points! I bet all those therapists who went to school for so long look stupid now.

 

Full of authentic Japanese (or maybe Chinese or something from over there) writing and images, this game sure puts you in the mood and sets the tone for what is to come. Your options include a Self-Massage (I did those a lot growing up), Couples Massage, Custom Massage, and Options (which turns the sound off in case you don’t want to hear the stereotypical gong hits and chimes). Many different massage types are included. A few of my favorites are:

• Decision Making: It helps to attain clarity and determination to resolve problems.
• Discrimination: It balances body, mind, and soul so to be ready to analyze things and situations properly.
• Friendship: It enables to interact with people in a better way.

These massages actually differ because they show you WHERE to place the remote. Now I will present a sampling of the relaxing atmosphere you will experience. Note the relaxation you feel when listening to the gentle waterfall.

Gentle indeed. But don’t just take my word for it!

Billy: So, you enjoyed the shiatsu massage game?
Jeremy : Yes
Billy: Did it cause relief in your sore joints?
Jeremy: Oh it “relieved” me all right
Billy: How did it feel on your balls?
Jeremy: Almost like holding a struggling animal there as it tries to free itself. I wouldn’t know anything about that though
Billy: Thank you sir.

Spectra Musical Massage

Unfortunately, this is the last title I will be reviewing. A unique approach is used here (unless you’ve ever been on a computer and eyeballed the billions of free applications), you can upload your own music and the controller vibrates and shakes accordingly. A warning screen pops up first, so you have to promise the game you won’t be having a seizure while you play. You are then treated to blaring “indie” music. One of the groups featured is “Foul Balls,” which if I recall correctly was Jeremy’s nickname back in highschool. You select the song and then sit back as your controller goes wild and your television screen goes on an acid trip of shapes and colors. This could possibly double as an Amanda Wood simulator.

The controller sorta keeps up with the beat, though I think a demanding techno song would probably cause your 360 to red-ring and the controller to turn to dust. This game does not offer as solid and even of a massage, but it does its own thing and I can respect it on those grounds.

In closing

I hope you learned plenty from this write-up, as I approached these games as a hurting and tired individual in need of some relief. Did I find it? No, no I did not. If nothing else I am even more tense because these wastes of 360 space piss me off so bad. There are so many of these applciations now, and it is such a waste of time, effort, and money if you are dumbass enough to pay for one of them. I was excited when the 360 Community opened up, I figured it would allow up-and-comers and unknowns to put out some high quality games. Instead we get a fucking fireplace game, the worst Super Smash Bros clone in the history of the world, and now all these fucking massage games.

Now some people have had the nerve (and are dumbass enough) to defend these games. I’m not just talking about whatever weird fellows who buy this, but actual makers of games and fellow Community residents. Some consider this to be some evoluationary step and a great way for the Community to shine and introduce new experiences. These people have got to be losing it. They’ve either lost touch completely with what independent games are all about, or they meant to type something else but couldn’t see their keyboard because they were sucking on Microsoft’s dick.

Games like these are the reason nobody takes the Indie games section seriously. These are a complete waste, are made with so little effort, and I didn’t even get off once! I do not recommend these to anyone at all. Try to rub your own damn self down by hand or just clunk over the money to a massage parlor and hope you get the one hot girl that works there. Stay away from these, stay far away. It is never acceptable for someone to purchase this and use it, never. Well… unless it’s an attractive girl who is using it to pleasure herself. In that case, it is only okay if she films it and throws it up on the Internet for all to see. Extra points if she emails me the video first.

These games suck.