OMGJeremy

Guide to Pets

Owning and living with animals can be a rewarding experience. Pets enhance the quality of your life if you live alone and crave companionship. They generally seem to love you and befriend people rather easily. They are sweet, and fun, and cute. And even Science says that having a pet makes people healthier, assuming that the people are not hideously fraught with allergies to animal dander and/or saliva. Indeed, among normal, already-healthy people, it is shown that caring for pets reduces high blood pressure and heart disease and brain tumors and measles and broken limbs and all of that jazz. Pretty fancy, huh?

"Just apply some puppy to it and by morning you'll be completely healed!"

All of these reasons may make a person believe that they should rush out and buy the first pet they find for sale, be it a goldfish or a ferret, a puppy or a tiger cub. However, these people are FOOLS! Everyone knows that a “pet” is not what you’d call an “impulse purchase.” A lot of thought should go into getting a pet. After all, they live for many years and depend on you for food, friendship, and entertainment. That’s actually more responsibilty than if you wound up having a kid, because kids grow up, but animals don’t really have the choice to become independent and horrible. You also have to put into consideration what the other people in your household think about an addition of an animal friend. Make sure you ask them all if they have allergies to fur, or phobias of snakes or tarantulas or rats. Make sure everyone actually agrees that they’d like a pet, and then, as a group, decide what you ought to get. There are a lot of animals out there, and I will be going over many of them in a generalized version of in-depth later in this article.

Also, before you pick a pet, understand its dietary needs, its need of exercise and socialization, and all of that stuff. Be sure you have enough money saved back for veterinary assistance, too. Make sure of all of these things, because nothing in the world makes me angrier than irresponsible pet owners. But, I will be going into that quite a bit later as well. For now, we will be sifting through the Amazing World of Domesticated Pet Animals. Let’s see if you can find what you’re looking for!

Dogs: Small Mildly-Retarded Slobbery Four-Legged Children

Dogs have been successful pets throughout history, and they are a delight to buy as they come in a huge range of shapes and sizes. The early man dogs were hunters and scavengers, they were intelligent and realized that forging a partnership with cavemen would be beneficial to both species. Fast forward a hundred billion years, and you’ll find that dogs are still smart. Kind of. Some of them. Really, nowadays most “purebred” dogs appear to be inbred to the point of mental collapse. They are docile, unable to make their own decisions, and kind of funny looking. Flattened faces, popped out eyes, difficulty breathing, hips that fall out of place – pedigreed dogs are sold for about a thousand times more than they are actually worth, just because dog breeders have some sort of insane racket going.

This fine purebred specimen can be yours for $850! Its eyes don't work because of hideous mutation, but that's just a sign of how expensive it is! Buy! Buy!

However, some dogs have not lost their dignity and are good friends. Breeders who actually have souls have bred their dogs for intelligence as well, and many mutts seem to do okay in general. Those police dogs appear to be smarter than most kids I went to school with, and indeed, more intelligent than many of the teachers. There have been dogs who understand no fewer than fifteen million commands and perform them to perfection. These “Uber Dogs,” as I call them, fill me with as much fear and unease as the “Hideously Deformed Mutant Dogs” fill me with pity and horror.

You can choose between 3 basic sizes of dogs (tiny, average, and colossal) which are then broken down into type (what they were originally intended to do, such as hunt, herd, and sit on your lap), and then the actual breeds which are even more specified than that. I think there are somewhere between 150 and 200 dog breeds that are recognized by those exclusive American Kennel Club bastards. And of course, the mutts have an infinite variety.

Dogs can be unforgivably expensive. Take it from me, as I am one of those people who would really like a dog. But I’m picky. I have been noticing that the dogs I usually want wind up costing around $800 – $1500 per puppy. Why they cost this much involves a vast conspiracy among dog breeders who gouge money from prospective buyers. They ban together so that a customer doesn’t have much choice. And I suspect that if a breeder comes onto the scene offering puppies of good quality at a price of around $100, they are probably harassed, beaten, and finally killed if they don’t get in line with the others. It’s a bad world.

But yes, I have noticed these freakish dog/poodle crosses. As most of you know, poodles aren’t real dogs, but some sort of gay canine space aliens who have come to earth just to infect the world’s dogs with French-like ugliness. They have begun their mind-control of the human beings around them now, and are infiltrating ALL other breeds of dog. And the people, greedy shits that they are, are selling these dogs with maddening names (think Labradoodle and Schnoodle and Chidoodle, etc) for nearly twice as much as a regular, pedigreed dog. What the fuck is THAT all about? And then other people, retarded shits that they are, think this is a miracle of god or something, and buy these amazing mixed dogs that, twenty years ago, would have been drowned as accidents because the gay neighbor’s poodle got out and fucked your Beagle. Oh but not anymore! Now they are worth two grand each and called Poogles or Peegloos or something! God bless them all.

A sick artist's hopeful rendition of our possible future space poodle alien overlords. Dark times ahead.

Dogs require companionship, regular veterinary treatments, exercise, playing, training, love and understanding. That’s a rather big task, so it is advised that you maybe get a dog when you know for sure that you are capable of basic levels of responsibility and maturity. Otherwise, you will neglect it and make it sad – which is animal abuse enough that I will hope you get shot in the face as some sort of karmic retribution, you unworthy fucker.

Cats: Tiny Sluts In Fur Outfits

I believe I read somewhere that cats are the most popular pet in America. This is probably because cats are small and relatively quiet, and they don’t need to be taken out for walks in the middle of rainstorms. These things make them ideal apartment dwellers. Also, cats are seen as independent and free-thinking. Some people think this is “cool.” Usually, the average person gets a cat because they think cats can inherently “take care of themselves.” Except for that feeding part, and litter box, maybe. This means it must suck to be a cat.

Cats maintain a lot of their original aloof attitudes from when they were wild some ten zillion years ago. Most of them can kill and eat things regularly enough that they can do it in order to survive. People often interpret this to mean that cats don’t really NEED to be as cared for as dogs or other pets. Suburban and rural cats are allowed outside a lot of times. They still enjoy killing and eating things, or just killing them. These cats also often seem to go for the endangered songbird population rather than the massive plague of field mice. Apartment cats are left alone for large amounts of time. They aren’t given enough mental and physical stimulation and they often become high-strung, depressed, or otherwise neurotic.

Who wouldn't want to share their home with these loving creatures that AREN'T AT ALL spawns of Satan?

For some strange reason, people get a pet cat thinking that it will be all sunshine and roses. That cleaning litterboxes and shredded furniture will be outweighed by the hours of love and fun you can have with your new kitten. Because kittens are just so goddamn cute, aren’t they? Unfortunately, kittens have a nasty habit of turning into cats. And adult cats, when they play like kittens, hurt you. Badly. They also start going into heat or spraying all over everything if you are retarded enough to think that an indoor cat doesn’t need fixed. And I’m not sure how aware you are of this, but cat urine smells like some sort of unforgiving toxic death.

Infuriatingly enough, rather than take responsibility for the pet cat, and having it spayed or neutered, many many ignorant pricks just drop off the cat anywhere remote that they can find. This of course leaves a terrified cat to fend for itself in the middle of nowhere and it will probably meet an untimely demise of being killed by a dog, hit by a car, or a victim of feline AIDS.

Yes. Feline AIDS.

Because cats cannot keep their pants on. They are animal sluts because GOD MADE THEM THAT WAY. And just because an owner decided that it wasn’t important enough of an issue to shell out a heaping fifty bucks or less to get the cat neutered or spayed, the cat grew up and its hormones made it spray all over the walls and furniture, and the owner – whose fault it already was – gets mad at the cat for spraying and generally pointing its butt at everything alive and throws the cat outdoors. Then the cat gets immediately knocked up in a horrible feline orgy that keeps the entire neighborhood up for half the night. Because cat sex makes the worst noise in the world, you see. And then suddenly the cat has nineteen kittens who also remain un-altered and within a year there are about 180 new cats all having sex and spreading pestilence and making me mad. All because of one person’s irresponsibility.

It is probable that if you are reading this site, you probably aren’t responsible enough to own a cat.

Yet another down-on-her-luck single mom with 57 babies to take care of. Oh, and I forgot to mention that cats actually come in pedigreed versions - like this hairless mutant here.

Small Furry Animals That Can Gnaw Through A Tank And Burrow Into Your Body Cavity

Maybe you don’t want a free-roaming pet, like a dog or a cat. Perhaps you would rather have a little cute tiny ball of fluff that stays in a cute little plastic see-through castle and comes out to play for maybe an hour everyday. There are advantages to this. Small little rodents and things don’t want or need your constant attention, so you have more time to devote to yourself, selfish pig. But there are many, many different kinds of critters that you could have as your very own. Let’s look at a few possibilities.

Hamsters – Also known as Satan’s Little Minions, every household has had dealings with the hamster. You find out early on that hamsters are very solitary when you see that Bubba has devoured his brother and companion, George, testicles-first. Hamsters can be grouchy, but they are still regarded as the ultimate beginner’s mammal. Not only that, but you feel less bad for them when your child flushes them down the toilet in some grand experiment one day – you almost feel relieved FOR the hamster, its misery is at an end.  If only we could all be so lucky…

Gerbils – Gerbils are like hamsters, only with a tail and they are a lot more energetic and kind of crazy looking. They are a bit more sociable than hamsters, but it’s probably a bad idea to let them run around unattended, because they are surprisingly fast. They are busy little fellows who enjoy a nice cage and don’t need your face being all up in theirs.  It is important to keep the pet cat away, however, because these creatures look and behave like cat toys more than any other listed.

Mice and Rats – Mice are very fast, not very friendly, and will run away if you let them. That is… your average mouse. I imagine if you work hard at socializing them, you might convince them to at least pretend that they trust you. Rats, contrary to some bizarre popular belief, are not at all like “big mice.” They are actually very good pets who are almost like a cross between a dog and a cat in personality. They require at least an hour out of their cage daily and enjoy playing games with you and learning commands. They are generally very sweet, but they have depressingly short lifespans. Also, don’t house mice and rats together, because rats eat mice a lot of the time.

Ferrets – It was pretty hip to have ferrets for a while there. Until people realized that they should have done some serious research beforehand. Ferrets can be delightful pets full of antics and monkeyshines. But they have highly specialized diets, have a great propensity to having cancers, and occasionally go nuts and bite a child in the face two hundred times in a minute. Granted, the child probably had it coming to him, but that kind of shit gives an animal a bad reputation. Now there are lots of ferret rescue shelters that are overburdened and exploding with ferrets who are only a couple of years old and their owners decided that they were “too much work.”  Also ferrets can live up to ten years, so if you mishandle it and teach it to be vicious, well, just go ahead and throw yourself off of a tall building please.  I hate you.

Rabbits and Guinea Pigs – I am lumping these two together because they apparently get along really well. Rabbits are docile little cute things of cuteness and they occasionally can be seen wearing pancakes on their heads. Guinea Pigs are even more docile and reportedly make squeak noises when startled. They don’t really move a lot, and seem to possess no brains at all. But why would you need a brain when you are just so cute? Answer me that, hotshot.  You probably can’t go wrong with these guys, but they are pretty sharp in claw and tooth, so you will probably get the scars.

Slithery Slippy Pets That Horrify Normal People

Some odd people maintain that non-traditional pets make excellent companions and friends. Animals such as pythons, tarantulas, and treefrogs are swiftly being purchased and now dwell among us with their crickets and heat lamps. Geckos, iguanas, turtles, and salamanders can reportedly cuddle with the best of them. Even though “cuddle” pretty much just means “seeking out your body warmth because they are all cold-blooded and whatnot.”

This man has to feed goats and old ladies to this mighty serpent in order to keep it alive.

Many people seem to enjoy having these pets because they enjoy shocking people with them. I mean, that’s the only reason I can think of that would compel a person to happily go out and buy other, cuter little animals just to feed them alive to something that pretty much stays in a tank 90% of the time, being bored and wondering why on earth its life is so dull. Or maybe I’m missing the point. Perhaps you really can train a toad to learn its name and come to you on command. Maybe those turtles would rather be confined in a small, dirty bowl for all eternity rather than out in the wild, living full turtle lives. Maybe the reason they haven’t escaped and liberated themselves is simply because they don’t want to – not because they are fucking TURTLES and therefore don’t have speed and mobility on their side.

Iguanas might be some sort of exception to the whole thing, though, as I have known a few iguanas with personalities and entire rooms of their own. But, if you ask me, keeping an animal in a cage simply because if you let them out, unattended, they will run away at the first chance they get – these animals impress me as still being “wild” animals. And keeping them in small cages is a little cruel and just not nice. Do you think that tarantula loves you? Or does it just eat those little crickets you give it, hoping that one day, if it eats enough of them, it will gain super strength and be able to finally burst out of its terrarium and attack you in your sleep, as it has wanted to do ever since it met you. I have always felt bad for snakes simply because when they are not in captivity, they can go all over the place and eat chickens and cats if they want to. In captivity, they often get so long that they never get to stretch out, and it’s just got to be unbelievably boring to sit there day in and day out, staring into a room. I’m sure they must go mad. Why would anyone want to put an animal into that sort of scenario unless you don’t actually CARE about it, but instead have it just because you think it’s “cool”? Shame on all of you. Even those of you who don’t have reptiles or amphibians. Shame on you, too. Just because I said so.

Birds: Singing, Talking, Making Messes; What CAN’T They Do?!

Stack those birdies one on top of the other! They LOVE it!

Well, I’ll tell you what most of them can’t do: Fly. A lot of people love birds. They love their chirp noises, and occasional whistle-songs. They think the defeathering is dear, and when they learn to talk! That’s just exciting shit! The only bad thing about birds is that when they escape their cages, they usually fly around like little lunatics and don’t want to go back IN to those cozy little cages – for reasons unknown. Call me crazy, but it might have something to do with the fact that when you’re a bird, and possess natural flight abilities, you may feel a colossal personal loss when you actually have no chance to really fly at all. They might find little bird cages to be a bit confining.

But that’s not the bird owner’s major concern apparently, since the vast majority of pet birds get their wings clipped. It sounds like a brutal thing to do to a bird. To take away flight and force them to walk around on their feet. Why, just like little men! Isn’t that cute? And the parrots are known to be very intelligent and can learn human speech! Isn’t that amazing? Now, before you point out that they are just Nature’s Feathery Tape Recorders, I must remind you of that African Grey Parrot who apparently is gifted enough to realize that words are a means of communication and is capable of actually communicating with its human friends. That’s pretty neat. Wouldn’t we all like to have a parrot who could talk to us? We could feel like Dr. Doolittle with one animal and strut around and be happier.

However, as nice as that sounds, we must all remember that with birds come responsibility. And money. Lots and lots of money. I mean, the little finches are relatively cheap. And so are the parakeets, who are actually able to learn a few words here and there. But once you start getting Macaws and Cockatoos, well, you will find that they are thousands of dollars expensive. And you have to make sure you are responsible for NOT encouraging exotic bird smugglers, who capture hundreds of endangered parrots and stuff them into socks and linings of suitcases, usually killing ninety-five percent of them in the process. And that’s generally regarded as bad form, you know.

Every bird you bring home, though, will usually be a cute and colorful addition. Friends and relatives and neighbors and strangers all will regard you in a new, better light. That is, until they spend more than 20 minutes around the bird. Twenty minutes is about how long most people can last after they discover that birds are absolutely the noisiest things on the planet. It seems that when confined indoors, their screechings and tweetings appear to be amplified 45634 times. Your head aches. Your ears bleed. And then you realize that while your guests can leave, you can not. This is when the resentment begins. Birds also make horrendous messes. They somehow can get bird manure to coat surrounding walls. They seem to make a game out of how far they can throw the husks of bird seed.

Birds can and will bite. This may surprise many of you – but before you get out your Bird Encyclopedias to refresh your memory – birds do not have teeth. How can a thing without teeth bite? The answer is that they can bite devastatingly well. In fact, the larger parrots can split titanium bars in half with their frightening beaks, seemingly without effort. Just imagine what they could do to your human bones! This thought is constantly on my mind as I walk through pet stores and the crazed birds continually lunge at me.

As you can see, I have long been aware of such danger.

So what does it take to be a bird owner? Lots of understanding, tolerance of screeching all day long, a willingness to treat mites and to avoid mental distress that occurs when a pretty intelligent bird is bored and depressed by being owned, and also an acceptance of the fact that parrots especially will live like one hundred years. So you’d better be prepared to pass it on like an heirloom when you die of old age and disease. Birds require sensitivity and understanding the most out of any pet you can have, it seems. Because so much can go wrong with them so very quickly. So get a bird only after you’ve exhibited the utmost caution.

Look at the pretty bird!

So, How About Those Miscellaneous Pets?

An interesting trait of human beings is that we can, or will at least try to, make everything into a pet. Some animals do quite nicely with this change of pace. Others, not so well. People are continually breeding new mutant freaks in order to make new mutant pets. Miniature horses are just like real horses, only you can stable them in your back yard or living room. The pot-bellied pigs are rewarding companions, and they often reach sizes exceeding 500 pounds, much to the horror of anyone with working eyes.

Many people find comfort in befriending animals normally considered livestock. Cattle have sweet temperaments. Sheep and goats also apparently have loving personalities. Horses, of course, have been companion animals for centuries. Mere beasts of burden no longer, the horse has recently been enjoying success purely as a friend who trots around and eats apples from your hands. These are the fat and happy horses you can see around people’s yards. Usually, these are houses which are home to little girls who always wanted a horse, and then, having finally gotten one, don’t really know what to do with it. So they braid its hair and brush its coat until it shines. These are very lucky horses.

May not be suitable for homes with small children.

It is also a common, but frowned upon, practice to take wild animals and attempt to domesticate them. In the old days, before laws began prohibiting these actions, people would actually take baby animals from the wild and raise them as their own. Now, however, there are actual farms and kennels and places that have licenses to breed and sell these things. Monkeys, squirrels, skunks, sugargliders, lions, tigers, mountain lions, crocodiles, wolves, bears – there are all manner of wild animals who can very occasionally make fun exotic pets. But not often enough. Many of the larger, carnivorous animals become abused, neglected, and feared – which in turn makes them unhappy and mighty dangerous. It’s just best to avoid that scene altogether, people.

Finally, there are the fish. Why not keep a nice aquarium? Saltwater or fresh, aquariums are very soothing to keep in a room. Just watch out for mixing the wrong species! Sometimes fish eat other fish, kids. Just like in the nature shows! Goldfish are cheap and practical for beginners. Some people believe that fish are more decorative than friend, and these people are assholes. If you spend any time at all with your fish, you begin to see personalities in them, and they begin to like you. You can even play with them in time. Fish are lovely little things, just make sure you keep their tank clean and entertaining. Plain glass bowls are depressing.

If You Didn’t Bother Reading All of Those Words, This Is My Summary

Pet animals are a delight, providing you with joy and love and happiness and purpose. Pet animals are also a pain in the ass, contributing sorrow, financial loss, and lots and lots of feces to your life. Yes! They provide all of these things, and likely, many more things as well. They require entertainment, responsible adults, and health care. They also need to be fed properly and groomed. Animals are essentially harder to care for than children because they very rarely become your equals. You need to research for ages before you can even tell which animal is right for your lifestyle, and for the lifestyles of other people who live with you. You also need a stable home life. One so stable that you are almost certain that in ten or twenty years, you will still be able to care for the new baby pet you want so much. That’s the other thing. Accept the fact that baby animals grow up stupendously fast, and usually are nowhere nearly as cute as they started out.  Except for ferrets.  They are cute the whole time.

So do I think you are ready to get a pet? Do I think that you are mature enough to take care of another life, as well as your own? Honestly? No, I don’t. You’re probably better off with a rock with googley eyes, or a drawing of a unicorn, or even some stuffed animals?  You can actually brush and groom stuffed animals. At least those things usually aren’t so very demanding, although it’s just as devastating when they burn up in the housefire.

Little Sherry is too young to own her own dinosaur, so she has all the fun in the world with this drawing she made.