OMGJeremy

You Suck At Street Fighter

An assistant producer of Street Fighter IV admitted earlier this week that the characters Sagat and final boss Seth were slightly overpowered. This announcement came as a bit of a shock to people who were actually good at SFIV and didn’t see much trouble defeating these characters. However, for those who completely suck ass at SFIV, this was met with great approval, as it is the closest thing to an almost legitimate excuse they will ever have to explain their massive amounts of sucking.

One portly and highly unskilled 14 year old SFIV player was quoted while trying to buy 8 bags of Gummi Worms from his local gas station:

“I’m really glad they admitted that Sagat and Seth were overpowered. I used to be so ashamed that I couldn’t beat them. It was starting to get up to those levels of shame I feel about my body, and the fact that all my other friends are dating now. And the only date I have been on just turned out to be a huge prank where I spent the rest of the night crying and trying to hide my ample male breasts from the multiple flashing cameras. Thank you Capcom for giving me back my dignity!”

Another avid SF enthusiast, who has been a fan all the way back since SFIV, had this to say:

“My friends kept telling me to just practice and learn the basic moves and skills of each individual character. I shouldn’t have to do that. Controllers have buttons for a reason! They aren’t for not pushing until the right moment. They are for mashing mindlessly until you win.”

They need to dumb down this guy quickly, we don't want a tradition of hard last-boss fights to start!

Similar sentiment is being expressed all around the globe, with the offended players threatening to rage-quit even more than they already do. One such man threatening to do so stated the he normally rage quits “just before he is about to lose,” but will now begin doing so “the first time I get hit. If I don’t, I begin screaming at the television and get so distraught I end up losing by Double Perfects or passing out entirely.” He then immediately pushed his oxygen mask back on, and proceeded to try and pick Ken no less than eight times before the character select screen even appeared.

There are those who don’t see what the big deal is and are dismissing the claims of overpowered characters as being nonsense. This breed of lowlife scum are the experienced players. They are long-time SF veterans or newcomers who dedicated the time to learn the finer points of the characters of their choosing. They make outrageous claims ranging from the fact that those complaining need to “practice more” or that they need to “STFU” and also “GTFO,” all of which are instantly buried by dozens of posts complaining that the character select screen is far too complicated, and needs to be nerfed immediately.

Controversy aside, it is expected that Capcom will be setting up a press conference next week in which they will announce that the remainder of the SFIV roster are also way overpowered. Expect the difficulty to be nerfed via future DLC. The first pack of content (which will be available first for the 360 and 6 years later for the PS3) will completely dumb down the AI of the character known as Dan, essentially stripping him to just a Light Punch and Light Kick attack, both of which can only be used twice per round. If a player manages to fill up Dan’s super meter, the game will lock up, and immediately post a 16 paragraph long rant as to why this should never happen on Capcom’s SFIV forum.

He's always been too difficult, but this is getting ridiculous!

Fans of past SF games know that Capcom likes to crank out new editions, and SFIV will not be an exception. Look for “Street Fighter IV: Victories on a Silver Platter Edition” to hit stores by the end of the year. The game will offer all unlockable characters from the very beginning, will automatically give the player all achievements/trophies, and will assign an Instant-Win feature to one of the buttons. Capcom is going to closely monitor this new release, and if the patented Instant-Win feature still does not make the game easy enough for the fucking morons who are shit at SFIV, they will correct it with a future release. Possibly by letting the player only connect to games being played by a trained dog that sits on the controller every few seconds.

When questioned as to why they never did anything like this for SFIII and the insane health-regenerating boss Gill, Capcom responded by punching me in the face and throwing down a smoke bomb. By the time I recovered, they were nowhere to be found. I have concluded that either Capcom is not wanting to tell me something, or they have Batman under their employ.

Nothing good will come from either.