OMGJeremy

Hentai Review: Frantic Female and Frustrated Part 2

In our last attempt to justify suicide, we took a look at the critically acclaimed hentai movie F3. And in the process, gained a new found respect for the female orgasm, masturbation, and horribly stupid plots that are seemingly selected through random dreams the writer has had. In case you missed the review, and are too lazy to go look, the original F3 dealt with the touchy subject of the female orgasm, and the lengths at which one frigid teenager will go to have one. Not surprisingly, the best part of the movie was when it was over, and I was able to wipe the glaze from my eyes and return to a fairly normal life of sitting in my chair all day. But little did I know that F3 didn’t stop at those credits. No, F3 is actually a small trilogy, and it seems you and I will be lucky enough to view them all. Which is why today we will be taking a look at the second part of F3, confusingly titled: F3 Part 2.

But you may be asking yourself what could possibly be added to the already elegant and well developed plot structure of the original F3, which consisted of a tentacle robot, a mad scientist, and a large vibrating dildo? And the answer to that is a very bold and caps locked NOTHING. So instead of adding to F3 part 2, they simply went with what worked best in the first F3 (IE: lesbian sex and masturbation), and expanded on it. It’s already obvious we are going to be strapped in for a non stop thrill-ride. It would be best to prepare yourself now, by strapping on your bracelet of courage, and boots of valor +2, because we are going to need everything we can get to make it through this mess of Hell.

F3 part 2 starts off slightly different from F3. Instead of watching our heroine masturbate on her bed for roughly ten minutes, we are instead treated to a public pool scene in which our heroine and her boyfriend are enjoying a fun day out together. This is probably here to expand on the characters some, and give them a bit more personality, effectively making them out to be even more annoying than they previously were. Now instead of simply having to watch them masturbate for a few frames of animation, we are treated to them doing such fun and exciting things as swimming around a pool and basically acting very anime-ish. As you might imagine though, this doesn’t last too long, because the director knows we didn’t quietly rent this movie from Blockbuster while the clerk looked at us funny for a show full of cute anime scenes. No, we rented this movie for bad anime sex scenes, and dammit, that’s exactly what we’re going to get.

The pool fun continues until our heroine notices her friend from school has shown up unexpectedly. Little does she know that her friend is not in the pool for a friendly game of Marco Polo, but instead goes straight for breast groping and underwater cunnilingus. This completely surprises our heroine, as she is obviously not used to having lesbian sex in a pool. Not surprisingly though, there is no one around while this is happening, except for our heroine’s boyfriend who simply dismisses her moans of pleasure to a sick stomach and decides to go jump off a diving board instead. I’m going to take a quick guess that Mr. Boyfriend here isn’t all that intelligent, because if I ever heard my girlfriend making those noises, the last thing I would think was wrong would be a sick stomach. I would however, be very proud of my girlfriend embracing the idea of public orgasms, and then probably go jump off a diving board. Anyway, the friend continues to administer underwater pleasure for an undetermined amount of time. I’m not sure myself, as I was in the kitchen eating a pickle.

Once I returned to the TV, I found the scene had switched back to our heroine’s bedroom, and her contemplating the day’s events. I found it interesting that she only gave a passing thought to the whole public pool sex with another woman thing. Mainly because if that were to happen to any normal person they would probably be in therapy, or taking an eight hour long shower with their clothes on. But I keep forgetting that this is anime land, where having sex in public places is commonplace, and is looked at as being a fun pastime, or even a fun way to pass a few minutes.

Anyway, back outside the house, it seems our heroine’s friend from the pool has decided to pay her a little visit, and has brought a couple friends of her own. Our heroine’s mother (who the captions mysteriously call the land lady even though the characters continually call her mother) cordially invites the complete strangers in without ever thinking of the horrible consequences that are about to go onto my permanent psychiatric evaluation.

The girls enter the room in grand fashion by immediately grabbing our heroine, stripping her, and then having sex with her. My immediate question is (or is supposed to be if anyone actually cared about the plot) exactly why this girl is suddenly showing so much affection for our heroine? It seems our heroine’s new best friend has ulterior motives. And not the kind of ulterior motives that ends with a solid plot twist and a satisfying conclusion. No, these are sexy ulterior motives, involving our heroine’s sister, who was featured in the first F3 as being a complete retard. It seems this girl happens to have a HUGE crush on our heroine’s sister, and would like to get to know her a little better, possibly while shoving a dildo into her orifices. So her plan is to somehow get our heroine to help in her out by of course screwing her with a strap on penis until she agrees. But the big question is, will she agree to do such horrible things? Will she turn to the dark side?! We’ll just have to wait and see! (Update: It turns out she did).

So with everything in place, it’s time to cue the arrival of our heroine’s sister, on her ultra cool bike. Once home, she goes to her room, only to find a room full of other girls who appear to be studying, and not in any way do they show that they were completely in the throes of lesbian passion a mere three seconds earlier. Finally seeing our heroine’s sister face to face, the friend decides to make her move by following her to the kitchen and grabbing her breast while making suggestive comments. This amazingly freaks our heroine’s sister out, and she screams and runs back to her room to see that everyone has once again reverted to naked lesbian sex. At this point it seems logic has been sucked into a massive black hole, and we should now turn off our brains so that we can just coast through the rest of this movie so that no further brain cells are lost.

Our heroine’s sister sees that she is trapped with only one way out: Make a deal with her friend so that the first person who can make our heroine have an orgasm wins. If our heroine’s sister wins, then she gets to avoid the lesbian onslaught. If her friend wins, then she gets to have her way with our heroine’s sister. Sounds simple right? It also sounds like the most idiotic yet oddly compelling deal I have ever heard. Strangely enough, both girls quickly accept the deal and get their turn at trying to make our reluctant yet easily swayed heroine have an orgasm. Let’s observe their strategies:

The friend:

Goes for the old lesbian tricks of using fingers and lips to try and sway our heroine into giving up the juices. This seems to be working a bit, as even our heroine’s sister seems to be getting aroused. But as we saw in the first movie it doesn’t exactly take much to get her sister aroused, so this probably means nothing. I’ll give her a 7 for technique, and 5 for imagination, since she did not once bring in some type of strange sex toy to use. Overall an average attempt, and I am fairly disappointed.

The Sister:

It’s obvious the sister does not believe in subtle caressing, and instead goes straight for the giant double-ended ribbed/vibrating dildo of death. Things seem to be going a bit slow though, as our heroine simply refuses to “come.” This calls for drastic measures, as her sister grabs for the control box, and switches the vibration from “medium” to “rib shattering.” It’s obvious this dildo holds awesome power, as we can tell this since the screen is shaking, and the characters sound as if they are being hit in the face with a vibrating hammer. I honestly don’t believe that such a dildo could exist in the real world, and if it did it would most certainly be illegal within days. Especially after the death toll starts to rise due to “liquefied heart.” But when it’s all said and done, the sister ends up coming, while our heroine was unable to do anything. Now let’s all smack our heads and exclaim, “I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING AT ALL” (haha, get it??). Do this until your parents get worried and call an ambulance.

The Friend…again:

With the sister on the floor and unable to do anything else for the time being, it’s time for the friend to try once again. This time by employing a large mirror for our heroine to watch herself. I suppose she does this because we all know how much of a turn on it is to watch a large dildo being inserted into your ass. I once had a girlfriend that was into that sort of thing. She always wanted a mirror around, or one over her bed. Personally it always creeped me out, because if I opened my eyes, or glanced in just the right angle I would see many areas of my body that I don’t normally see in a mirror. And no matter what anyone says otherwise, watching yourself have sex in a third person perspective is NOT a pretty thing. It takes your mind off the things you should be paying attention to, like wondering why your girlfriend is attempting to insert a banana into your ass.

Anyway, the friend continues to advance and decides to finally use her patented “two hole attack™” on our heroine. If you would like to know what exactly the two hole attack is then please allow me to insert my foot into your chest cavity several times. I don’t want to relive this any more than I have to already. The two hole attack backfires however, sending our heroine screaming for her mother (the caption once again illustrates that she is in fact a land lady despite the character constantly screaming “MOTHER!”). In case you don’t remember the previous episode’s ending, or have had that part of your brain medically removed, it turned out that this “mother” is actually a huge lesbian sex freak herself. And once she hears the calls of help from our heroine, she springs into action by putting on her BDSM gear, and heads off to save the day by literally screwing everyone until they pass out. No, I’m not making this up. Do you think I would even IMAGINE such a scene? No. Not even under the influence of mind altering drugs, which makes me wonder just what kind of condition the director was in when he wrote this.

So the evil girls are dealt with, and everything is tied up in a nice neat bow right? Okay, roll those credits then! Wait…. why is the movie still going? And why is everyone sitting at a table apologizing to each other? Did I miss some important plot development during the fade out a few seconds ago? It seems that I was supposed to have noticed the imaginary disclaimer at the beginning of this movie stating that all indecipherable plot holes should be overlooked, and for further reference I should look into the very imagination of the director to flesh out the story. And the even bigger question is, why the hell do I even care about the plot? I should be paying attention to the onscreen orgy that has somehow commenced between all the characters. Silly me!

No, the fun isn’t quite over yet, as now even the mother has gotten in on the action and seemingly endless quest to humiliate our heroine to unheard of levels. Now primarily focusing on making her say the names of her various orifices out loud, our heroine is unfortunately not doing too well. This is further illustrated when their mother gets totally fed up at her stuttering, shy ways, and OH GOD SHE JUST SMACKED THE HOLY FUCK OUT OF HER:

She then continues to beat the hell out of our heroine while the other characters huddle in the corner, afraid for their lives. This is also the only part in the movie where I can safely say I am emulating the onscreen action.

Luckily for me, the movie does end after the orgy, appropriately with our heroine screaming into the air that she never had an orgasm. This obviously tells us that there is going to be a part 3, and it will probably continue to degrade itself further, eventually becoming a few pictures of the director shaving the hair off his cat in the last few minutes of episode 3. But we will have to look forward to that at a future date, or at least until I can look the clerk at Blockbuster in the eyes again.

And there you have it. F3 Part 2 does what it sets out to do, which looks to be throw out a hair thin plot while inserting as many lesbian scenes as possible. And if that’s what you’re looking for in a movie, then more power to you. I suggest you run out of your house now to your nearest video store and scream in ecstatic glee when you check it out. As for me, here’s the final stats:

• Amount of lesbian scenes: 24 minute’s worth
• Number of dildos: 3
• Number of people scarred for life: 1
• Time it took to watch: 29 minutes
• Time it seemed to take to watch: 600 hours