I’m sitting here and actually contributing to the site instead of stringing Jeremy along with promises of an article…so it must be the weekend again!
Not much was happening over the course of the week, so I was getting a little nervous that I wouldn’t have anything to offer. But as per usual when times are boring and there isn’t a laugh to be had, the homeless appear and fill the day with laughter and finger-pointing at their unwashed expense. Whether it be their shuffling gait, eventual inability to speak normally, or just the fact that they have to dig through the trash for dinner… the homeless never fail to amuse and excite. Maybe they know we count on them for entertainment, it is hard to know for sure.
So my ladyfriend and I were at a tattoo parlor in the downtown area when a man of the streets comes shuffling up to the door. There are two guys who work there sitting around watching a movie on a laptop, so they don’t exactly see what they have coming to them. This man stumbles in, the owner of 4 or 5 brain cells and even less teeth than that. He approaches the counter and says, (in that loud shouting voice that homeless people for some odd reason MUST always speak in) “Do ya got any cloth?”
I shit you not, that was all he said. That was his goal, his one true desire. To get ANY cloth that may be laying around.
The guys at the counter handled it pretty well, holding back any laughter and keeping their jaws from dislodging and hitting the floor. They politely tell the man they do not have any cloth, and he stares at them in disbelief for a moment. For a split second I think there is going to be violence. I am concerned for the shortest amount of time in my life, because I almost instantly realize that if the shit hits the fan in this tattoo parlor between a homeless man and two tattooed nerds who were watching BrainScan, I would have the greatest weekend piece of all time and would get so much attention I could stop writing for this shithole. Instead the homeless guy eventually turns and walks away, and that is why you are reading this article on OMGJeremy.com and not CNN.com.
His time with us was brief, but he left a day’s worth of questions. What were his intentions with this cloth? I have narrowed it down to several options:
- To wipe his ass. Honestly, there is no better feeling than wiping with a nice cloth instead of toilet paper. Wet the cloth, and you are in for a real treat that will have you coming back over and over again. That is what I have read, it is not due to my being forced to use a hand-cloth to wipe my ass when I was staying the night with my broke-assed relatives who didn’t have toilet paper when I was 7 or 8.
- Homeless Scavenger Hunt. What, ghetto folk can’t have fun? I didn’t see him carrying a list, but where would a worthless human being of the street find a sheet of paper and a pen? Perhaps all of the local homeless gather at whoever’s “home” has the nicest barrel-fire and come up with some fun and zany activities. Perhaps one of them was a scavenger hunt, with a cloth being an item on there. I bet the winner received a blowjob from the least-stubbly faced guy amongst them.
- Cloth is the form of currency for the homeless. A square inch is roughly the equivalent to one dollar. Their change pieces are hardened dog turds. Change can double as dinner if needed.
- He was just batshit insane.
I lean towards 4, then 1, then 2, and then 3. As much as I’d love to think that there is an underground form of currency that would enable a man with a towel to be the richest person in the world… it is a bit far-fetched. I think 1 is still the funniest option, because you know he’d use that same rag to blow his nose 10 minutes later.
Driven to Kill by a Video Game
I’m playing Banjo Kazooie on the 360.
Jeremy told me about this game, and the near legendary difficulty it contained. I thought to myself that this was a kids’ game, and that surely he was just having a hard time because his old ass is falling apart. I was wrong to doubt him… well I’m not usually wrong to doubt him, but this was one occasion where I was. This game has kicked my ass. This game is nothing more than a “Kicking of My Ass Tour” taking place on land, in the water, in the air, in forum member Buoyant’s vag (the most wide-open and spacious level), and everywhere inbetween. A game has never made me feel this stupid and powerless before. I feel like an ignorant 13 year old girl dating a 20 to near 30-something guy, I just keep getting thrown around and abused but somehow I keep coming back with a smile on my increasingly toothless face.
Pick this up if you are a fan of oldschool-leveled challenge in a game, are a fan of the series, or your other favorite past-time is getting your balls stepped on by women in heels. Fat women with the pointiest heels made available in their size, and the heels have knives on the bottom of them.
That is about it for this weekend. Not much to speak of happened this week, but I sure did do a fairly decent job at stretching it out by rambling about stupid shit. Oh yeah, the neighbors I previously wrote about invited me up for a beer sometime. I do not know if this is another term for a threesome, foursome, partner swap, or murder, but I do not think I will be taking them up on the offer.
A Southerner, Billy seems to be the most adult of us all. Especially in that shady, seedy kind of way.
Contact him: firstname.lastname@example.org