We all know the Wii has good games. It’s just that no other system since the original NES and Atari 2600 have those good games been so completely buried underneath piles and piles of shovelware games that only exist to make a quick buck off the mainstream people buying the Wii up in droves. Most of these games fall under the giant umbrella term of “Casual Game,” which is just a fancy way of saying, “our shitty minigame collection was made with a staff of under ten people, and even less money.” Usually these games will have the words “Party,” “Family,” or both, woven around a few other words that vaguely describe the game at hand. It really doesn’t matter to these games, honestly. As long as something sort of happens when someone waggles the Wiimote around, then it’s time to hit the store shelves.
Now I’m sure most anyone reading this site knows what games they should and shouldn’t get. There’s no real reason for us to come up with a definitive list of horrible Wii games. We’d be here for weeks. The main reason for the existence of this article is that we simply find that the very existence of these games humorous on some sick level. We all know never to buy these games, but it’s certainly fun to just know that they’re out there, ready to ruin some poor kid’s birthday because his parents got him M&M Kart Racers instead of Mario Kart. So let’s get to the fun…
Helping prop up the ever burgeoning Wii kart racing genre, Action Girlz Racing stumbles through the door in last place to a race that ended seven months ago. Apparently figuring that if you made a terrible Kart game, added girls, and stuck a “Z” at the end, Wii owners would flock to it as some sort of new messiah. And who knows, maybe they will, as this is the same console where Carnival Games sold at least seven million copies.
Action Girlz Racing features code that sort of resembles a kart racing game, “girlz,” and quite possibly the most frightening box cover art I’ve seen in a while. All of that sound like a good time? Well good, because there’s even more. And when I say more I really mean HAHAHA!:
- 8 Action Girlz characters to choose from
- 4 fun-packed environments to race in, including day and night modes
- Race for victory in the single player mode
- Get together with up to 4 of your friends in the multiplayer mode
8 Action Girlz! 4 environments! Enough pink to make your eyes explode out the back of your face! Frightening alien girl on the front cover with a mouth large enough to consume time and space itself!
Ever wondered what the life of a pro bull rider is like? Ever wanted to jump on top of a giant hog and risk life and limb for all the fame that comes with being a pro bull rider? Fame that, as far as I know, basically plateaus when you find yourself impaled through the ass by a bull horn or die in some horrific way? I mean, have you ever even known of a bull rider that you didn’t see getting stomped on or killed on Youtube? I sure as hell haven’t.
Even though you may never want whatever fame a pro bull rider has, you’ll be glad to hear that you can now at least do so while waggling your wrist at the TV while in your favorite wife beater. Pro Bull Rider for the Wii is here to push you TO THE LIMIT:
Players may create their own character and compete as a professional rider or a tenacious bull throughout 10 three-round events in multiple locations, including New York, Anaheim, and Atlanta. Challenge or play as top riders, including Guilherme Marchi, Justin McBride, and Chris Shivers, or play as one of the tour’s ferocious bulls! Unlimited play modes test players’ skills in either staying on for at least eight seconds or bucking off the rider before his time is up and Season Mode features unlockable riders and bulls. Become the best rider or bull in multiplayer by having the most “wins,” or become part of the Millionaire’s Club by beating some of the meanest, toughest bulls in the history of the PBR. Intuitive controls and multiple difficulty levels allow anyone to pick up and play and realistic sounds from screaming crowds to bone-crunching falls max out the realism.
Holy shit, you mean I can finally play as Guilherme Marchi? There’s not a morning I don’t wake up screaming his name.
So you’re a redneck, and own a Wii, but you find that your disgusting stereotype is not as fully represented as you would like. Well holler into the warshin’ machine at the local 24 Hour Laundromat no longer, as your 1984 Camaro has arrived in the form of Calvin Tucker’s (who?) Redneck Jamboree. This fine piece of gaming just shot out of someone’s ass right into Wal Mart clearance bins everywhere for you to enjoy while drinking your favorite brand of barbecue sauce.
- Backyard Hunting – Slingshot more squirrels, raccoons, ravens and other trailer park critters than your competition in order to win
- Bottle Opening Contest – Open more soda bottles with your teeth than the other teams without breaking your teeth
- Mower Racing – Avoid obstacles and animals while racing through a makeshift course on a modified tractor/lawnmower
- Toilet Seat Throwing – Play this “Horseshoes”-like game by tossing toilet seats around a plunger staked in the ground
In what has to be some sort of prank, Championship Foosball descends onto the Wii with all the splendor of a six week old dead squirrel falling out of your gutter. Keeping with the tried and true tradition of making video games about things we long to do in real life, we are now able to play foosball in the comfort of our living rooms, which itself was originally made so we could play Soccer in the comfort of our living rooms. Think about that for a minute.
While we may never know what the developers were thinking when they decided to make this game of a game of a game, we can at least finally know there is a valid option available if we simply don’t feel like twisting real knobs, and can now twist a virtual one that probably barely works at best. Hooray
- Fast paced foosball action with realistic foosball gameplay using your Wii remote
- Invite up to 3 other people to play and get ready for some four-way foosball fun!!!
- Play using official foosball rules or design brand new customized rules and devise new game styles to challenge yourself and your friends
There are official foosball rules? Really? I was always only aware that the only real rule that existed was to take a shot of whatever alcohol you have when someone scored a point. And if I can’t do that then no thank you, sir.
As if the abomination that is Hotel For Dogs the movie isn’t enough to turn your inner core to a black husk, we get the inevitable Wii movie tie-in game called, surprisingly enough, Hotel For Dogs. What is Hotel For Dogs about? probably about some inane plot about a hotel, but not a hotel for people. No, it’s a hotel FOR DOGS. See how that makes it funny? Dogs AREN’T PEOPLE. THEY DON’T STAY IN HOTELS! HAHA! Fun for the whole family for sure.
Once you’ve set the theater on fire to free yourself from this tortured life, go home and fire up the Wii version which features the following… things… you can do:
- Dogs. Lots and lots of dogs. Feed, groom and play with dozens of adorable playful pups seen in the movie
- Challenging game play. Navigate through 10 levels of challenging and exciting game play; each level requiring players to complete three basic goals to keep the lovable dogs happy
- Wacky gadgets. Search for parts and tools to build more than a dozen amazing gadgets that help players take care of and entertain the dogsCold-hearted dog catchers. Save your furry friends from the mean dog catcher and rescue pups from the pound.
- Monitor moods, use commands. Monitoring the dogs’ moods can help keep them happy – moods include hungry, play, bathroom, sick, hot, thirsty, brush, cold and upset; using real-life commands – such as sit, stay and fetch – players can help address the dogs’ moods
- Alley exploration and rescues. Players venture outside the hotel to rescue lost dogs in the side alleyways and bring them back to the hotel
DOGS! In a HOTEL! My God, how can I ever want more?!
Thank God for the Wii.
Jeremy is a quiet, steadily mortified man hailing from Indianapolis.
Contact him this way: firstname.lastname@example.org (hint: it’s email)