Like the rest of the world, we good people of OMGJ were shocked to the core at the passing of Michael Jackson. We have thrown away all of our projects, we have turned a blind eye to all other news items, and we have just been sitting here, talking about that strange man, speaking of anecdotes, listening to his music, and watching his videos.
Mr HolidayEsq: I was more saddened by the passing of Billy Mays, but Michael Jackson is the only celebrity that makes for an easy Top 5 list.
Amanda: Oh come on, we could have done a Top 5 of the bizarre products he tried to force into our homes. It just would not have been as fun to watch thousands of hours of his advertisements on the youtube.
Mr Holiday: Yes, and his commercials also don’t have enough Home Alone kid in them, a favorite of yours.
Amanda: Speaking of that kid, that brings me to the conclusion of our RIP introduction! Kind readers of OMGJ, we present to you: The Five Best Michael Jackson Videos of Them All! (Excluding Thriller, Obviously). Watch along with us as we react to what we see on the screen! Or more accurately, watch the video, sigh wistfully, and then read our commentary because it will not take you as long to read what we say as it took us to actually type it out. Anyway, you could not watch and read at the same time. More than anything, however, please enjoy and think fondly of this fine entertainer.
#5 Black or White
Mr Holiday: This originally aired on Fox after The Simpsons… I recall being angry because I worried it would throw schedule and I’d miss Married with Children.
Mr Holiday: NORM!
Amanda: George Wendt makes an appearance in his Greatest Role to Date.
Mr Holiday: You’ve got to love that Home Alone kid.
Amanda: This video would have ranked much higher on the list if it hadn’t been for him.
Mr Holiday: Really, a screaming Norm can’t be any worse than his real home life. At least he isn’t sleeping in a room with his 50 brothers and sisters.
Amanda: LOOK AT HIM SAIL INTO THE STRATOSPHERE!
: Gosh the music is starting finally. Oh is this a Duran, Duran song?
Mr Holiday: No, it is actually good. Home Alone Kid doesn’t seem too sad about possibly killing his father.
Amanda: No later he feels so good that he raps in a deep voice. He became a Man. Incidentally, the Pow Wow scene is my favorite, by the way, because I like seeing Michael Jackson dance like a Sioux Indian Brave. <3
Mr Holiday: You have obviously had a big heap of fire water.
Amanda: I needed it in order to write this article.
Mr Holiday: I hope one day NASA can photograph those two babies sitting on Earth. I had no idea!
Mr Holiday: I blocked out this rap scene. Good thing, because this would have knocked this video into a Bottom 5.
Amanda: GOD MACAULAY CULKIN! H8 HIM!
Mr Holiday: So, I take it you won’t be hiring him to mow your lawn anytime soon? Isn’t that what he does nowadays?
Amanda: I may hire him to let me punch him in the teeth. This CGI in the end, though. I was expecting it to look dated and horrible. It does not. It is still just as incredible now as it was ten or twenty years ago.
Mr Holiday: I am jealous of the beard on that Rasta Man. My hats off to them for finding THE generic white guy. It has to be noted that the end of the original airing of this video, where MJ just busts the shit out of a car…is hard to find. Sadly enough.
Amanda: I still have never seen it! WHY did he break this car? Did it seem ridiculous that a man made of pipe cleaners could damage a car?
Mr Holiday: Well, I think he used a bat. How he got it over his head I am not sure. It was probably all CGI as well.
Amanda: I mean, the man could dance for four days straight but he did not have any upper body strength. He was not allowed to have upper body strength.
Mr Holiday: Maybe he was a big Final Fight fan. Well, that was a pretty great video… Home Alone Kid aside. You know I always figured NORM would have landed toward the end.
Amanda: He landed in Africa and was eaten by lions. That is the only thing we can assume. There was no real closure.
Mr Holiday: Oh my god. Or maybe if he traveled high enough, he was eaten by the black and white baby sitting on earth.
Amanda: They should have at least shown him arguing with African authorities about his lack of passport and visa and rotting in a prison over there for being a spy.
Mr Holiday: But to be completely honest, he probably traveled several thousand feet until his heart simply ceased due to fear and he slipped away. RIP NORM!!!
#4 Dirty Diana
Mr Holiday: Dirty Diana, a personal favorite of mine. Also the only video of his (to my knowledge) that has a good 30 seconds of darkness.
Amanda: This is the actual video? Not just a live version? THIS IS NOT THE VIDEO IS IT.
Mr Holiday: Its live, but it kicks ass, let me find the real one.
Amanda: A false start, ladies and gentlemen. I pine that I did not see him perform in concert.
#4 The Real Dirty Diana
Amanda: Rock musicians!
Mr Holiday: A shredded-sheet theme! This Diana is a whore on a whole other level. I would go as far as to say she is “Dirty.”
Amanda: Have you ever seen legs farther apart at the top?? I assume she is wearing a device that just keeps her vag available.
Mr Holiday: She must be getting drilled nightly. Man, where was a girl like this when I was 16
Amanda: This is not the most exciting video – more straightforward than most, actually. Although he of course classes it up being the King of Pop and all.
Mr Holiday: Yeah, luckily its attached to such a damn good song.
Amanda: We were swayed by the music. Also it did not have Home Alone in it.
Mr Holiday: I hope they add that guitar players hair to a list of possible causes of MJ’s death. How about that? She picked up the phone and TOLD Michael’s girl “He ain’t coming home!”
Amanda: At that point in the song, I actually favored Diana. If she was that bold, brother. She deserves all that whorin. I mean that in the best possible way.
Mr Holiday: She’s got balls, aside from the ones in her mouth.
Amanda: Oh lord this ending. A straightforward concert video with a hint of outside plot involving a woman’s legs. AND THEN BOOOOMMMMMMMM THERE SHE IS. Waiting in a limo RIGHT OFF THE STAGE SOMEHOW.
Mr Holiday: He looks surprised, but is he really? He sings the entire song about his desire to not fall for this woman again, to get away from her… but does he really want to get away?
Amanda: The music says he does, but his body language tells another tale. A tale that says, “I should not, but I am going to.”
Mr Holiday: Diana was such a whore, I imagine she probably died from AIDS or something along those lines.
Amanda: Maybe that was why he eventually gave so much money to AIDS foundations.
Mr Holiday: RIP Dirty Diana
Amanda: What was #3?
Mr Holiday: Your prison uprising video
Amanda: They Don’t Care About Us!
Mr Holiday: hahahahaha
Amanda: The prison version BANNED in the USA.
Mr Holiday: !!!!!!!
Amanda: Or at least, not played at all. Because I sure never heard of it until two days ago.
Mr Holiday: I have heard the song briefly, but I had no idea a video existed.
#3 They Don’t Care About Us (THE PRISON VERSION)
Mr Holiday: Just a moment…
Amanda: Getting some Rage Juice to drink while you watch this one? I will tell you now that you do not need it. It works just fine on its own for making you want to take to the streets. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THIS GARBAGE!!!
Mr Holiday: Calm down
Amanda: Scenes of police brutality, social injustices. Are we watching a Rage Against the Machine video?
Mr Holiday: That is a pretty damn cool cell. I bet that prison goes through cafeteria tables like crazy. I keep waiting for a food fight.
Amanda: MJ starting a prison riot is just as surreal when he is among other convicts, as when he is alone. Rioting alone. I always thought he was a happy man, despite the insanity. I did not expect him to have this anger inside of him.
FDR! The most amazing name-drop in any video as far as I can tell. I never saw it coming. When I saw it I leaped up and shouted YEAH FDR!
Mr Holiday: A shoutout to FDR… has that ever happened in a music video?
Mr Holiday: You know, I’ve seen this video a few times now… I still don’t know who “They” are, and why they don’t care.
Amanda: I don’t really know who he means by “us.” If he means wronged minorities? I don’t think he can be included.
Mr Holiday: The general prison population? Because no, I don’t care. Are we “They”? When did we stop caring? I wonder how many of those criminals were HARD, and sentenced to death? RIP to the criminals I just mentioned in the last sentence.
#2 Billie Jean
Amanda: That sneaky man.. what is he up to? OH GOSH THERE IS A COIN.
Mr Holiday: With everything that goes on in this video, all I can remember is the ground lighting up.
Amanda: God those light up sidewalk squares were HUGE. A HUGE deal.
Mr Holiday: I think the sneaky man is foreshadowing our #1 video. NO SPOILERS SNEAKY MAN!
Amanda: Hahah that coin was as well I think… Shhh… PINK socks. My mother always told me to watch out for men in pink socks. They break young girls’ hearts. She may have told me this when I was 4 years old and heavily in love with Michael Jackson.
Mr Holiday: Oh boy… Did she tell you to watch out for re-using the same shot of a cat jumping from a trashcan? Are we supposed to know the women on that billboard?
Amanda: Do you think it is Billie Jean and a friend? It looks like just a regular photograph, which puzzles me. Has anyone ever commented on his red bowtie?
Mr Holiday: Someone has now. I hate when I just drop my animal print fabric piece on the ground.
Amanda: THE KID IS NOT HIS SON! ahee hee hee What ever became of that kid do you think?
Mr Holiday: He went on to star in Home Alone.
Amanda: Too awful to contemplate
Mr Holiday: Oh no Michael, he’s gonna catch you in the bed!
Amanda: No sir. They are just catching a PEEPING TOM! I wonder what became of his pet tigers.
Mr Holiday: RIP Pet Tigers
Amanda: Oh no. They were all over that Thriller album.
Mr Holiday: Thriller, we should mention, is not your #1, because that just isn’t fair.
Amanda: Yes it is obviously the best video EVER. Of any musician.
Mr Holiday: It’s like letting Michael Jordan play basketball against retards.
Amanda: And we wanted a list that wasn’t COMPLETELY obvious. Although no one will be surprised by our #1. Queue up that LONG version, Mr Holiday.
Mr Holiday: There is no other.
#1 Smoooooth Criminal
Mr Holiday: This is the best way you can spend 9 minutes and 36 seconds. I rented Moonwalker about 9 times
Amanda: His outfit is the best by far. This videos excels at having the most style.
Mr Holiday: I’ll tell you, not much in the history of the world is more badass than that coin flip. I was worried when I popped Moonwalker into the Genesis, but when I saw that it kicks off with the coin flip I knew everything was going to be okay.
Why is Michael in this sort of place anyway? You would think from such women as Dirty Diana and Billie Jean he would be done with loose women.
Amanda: I believe he may be the smooth criminal, coming in to confront everyone. Because you would think there would be an end boss smooth criminal that is identifiable as the rapist-murderer. If he was here to avenge Annie.
Mr Holiday: We seem to both believe that Michael may have had a hand in Annies fate.
Amanda: We have both lapsed into moments of silence because we were so busy watching. Entertained.
Mr Holiday: I still think he went over to spend the evening with her, and they were in the throes of passion… when maybe she decided it was too soon. Maybe he shook her a little too hard, hit her perhaps. Left the bloodstains on the carpet
Goddamnit. I can watch him crush that pool ball all day, then blow the dust in that big mans face! What are you gonna do BIG MAN, NOT A DAMN THING! Michael Jackson has killed on this night and he fears no man.
Amanda: Annie are you okay, no you aren’t you dumb bitch cause you’ve been hit by a SMOOTH CRIMINAL. Note: I feel awkward anytime he seduces a lady in this video. Also all of the gun violence is unexpected.
Mr Holiday: Yeah, I think that might be the only instance of MJ shooting a man. But as we said, he has already shed blood on this night.
Amanda: After I first saw this video as a child, I no longer knew how to feel about MJ, or who he was. This is his truest role, I feel. I think this is the REAL Michael Jackson here.
Mr Holiday: The slowdown part is almost disturbing – Discomforting. The dance move is coming… so close now. What is this peeping?! That is no club for little girls to be looking into.
Amanda: I apologize for my silent spell. I was just staring at this unfolding scene, as absorbed in their antics as I was the very first time I saw it.
Mr Holiday: THERE IT IS
Mr Holiday: HOW DOES HE PERFORM THAT LEAN!?
Amanda: Demon magic. You should ask that little kid, because he taught him EVERYTHING.
Mr Holiday: God, now we have to put up with this kid shaking his shit.
Amanda: I am glad the little girl did not care one bit. He dances well and she is like “for god’s sake.”
Mr Holiday: Yeah, that kid wasn’t getting any tonight… Here we go, the usual breakdown that is half lyrics and half HOOOOs
Amanda: There he goes – making them ALL dance. MAKING THEM. They were called to dance. I do not blame them. I would have been right there with them,
Mr Holiday: Even after he murdered a woman in cold blood. Annie is not okay. RIP Annie
Amanda: Annie who?
Mr Holiday: Oh, you are in on it too!
Amanda: I forgot all about her as soon as he danced. And that TOMMY GUN. WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE WINDOWS! I believe THEY were Annie’s family. Coming for revenge.
Mr Holiday: Perhaps. All with high-powered weapons and tactical gear.
Amanda: Maybe he came to that club to brag to the other criminals and that is why they hid him.
Mr Holiday: Yes. Brag that he was the SMOOTHEST of all.
Amanda: You have ALL been hit by a smooth criminal. God that video wasn’t long enough. I honestly am considering watching it again.
Mr Holiday: It was hard to pick 5 videos. I tell you, I haven’t seen a video of his I didn’t like.
Amanda: Yes, we did not even include the creepy stalking harrassment of The Way You Make Me Feel. Or the Beat It or claims of being Bad. Or that perplexing and terrifying GHOST video. Lord almighty what was that about?
Mr Holiday: That Ghost video… If this was a Top 6 we would have seen it. He did have that great effort with his sister in the Scream video.
Amanda: Yes! Well we will call this to an end I guess. Biggest RIP of all goes out to Michael Jackson. I will spend my next foreseeable future continuing to watch these videos.
Mr Holiday: Yes indeed, the biggest loss the music industry has ever seen. Until Phil Collins dies.
Amanda: He’d better hang on another decade, any sooner and the world just could not take it.
Mr Holiday: Look for a Top 5 that is all Sussudio.
Amanda lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a complete hermit in many respects, so if you find her out-of-doors, consider yourself lucky, Bucko!
Contact her: email@example.com
or maybe AIM: octocakes