OMGJeremy

Quick List: Top Five Worst Interracial Pornos

Each week, Chris and Amanda take on the Internet sensation of list making by mostly talking about making a list. Once they realize they’ll never get a full article written, they give up and just send me their chat logs. This is the result.

#5) My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla! 9

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0974603/

Amanda: Well I mean obviously the problem with this one is that the title summarizes the entire plot.

Amanda: There is no need to watch it because you know what is happening.

Chris: I can’t tell whether it’s his ninth wife or the same wife getting banged over and over.

Chris: Either way you’d think he’d stop being so surprised by now.

Amanda: Or does it mean, “my wife is Blackzilla,” and the “fucking” is just meant to convey a sense of bewildered excitement.

Amanda: Maybe the plot ISN’T ruined at all. I am suddenly intrigued to see if there is a twist such as that.

Chris: Quite the cinematic reveal.

Chris: “Oh baby, you’re so hot.”

Amanda: “Thanks sugar but I have something to tell you.”

Chris: “Yes”

Amanda: “I’M FUCKING BLACKZILLA!!!” [tears off wig, fake breasts]

Chris: How many Japanese do you think Blackzilla kills in this one?

Amanda: How many Japanese do you think he rapes?

#4) My Daughter’s Fucking Blackzilla! 18

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1422095/

Chris: This is a seriously dysfunctional family.

Amanda: Blackzilla plagues him.

Chris: I take it by the “18″ that Blackzilla prefers the daughter over the wife

Chris: Can’t really blame him.

Amanda: Well there may be more daughters than wives.

Chris: God Blackzilla just won’t leave this family alone.

Amanda: Should we start a fund to help the man?

Chris: I don’t know, he seems pretty excited about the whole affair.

Chris: Maybe we’re assuming too much.

Amanda: That is true.

Amanda: I do hate to make assumptions.

Amanda: And offer help where none is requested.

Chris: It is your weakness Amanda.

Amanda: It might even be his wish, and Blackzilla is a kind man who grants these things.

Amanda: “Yes, poor soul. I will fuck your hot wife and daughters. Until we run out of sequel numbers!”

Chris: I hear the even-numbered Blackzilla films are the best.

Amanda: Yeah, I liked the one with the whales.

#3) Oh No! There’s a Negro in My Daughter!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1391551/

Amanda: Oh no how’d that get in there!

Chris: Directed by Strom Thurmond.

Amanda: I guess it was produced in 1957.

Amanda: Or modern day Alabama.

Chris: This is definitely THE movie to have on your acting resume.

Chris: Doors will just fly open for you.

Amanda: I mean is it really a racist interracial thing?

Chris: I never thought people would want racist interracial porn. I thought the whole idea was races coming together in harmony.

Chris: Sweaty harmony.

Amanda: Unless the end of the film involves a hillbilly car chase.

Amanda: And you know…

Amanda: … racial discord of a less erotic nature.

Chris: God knows I don’t get enough pitchfork mobs in my porn.

Amanda: Careful bucko, you don’t want a sexual attraction to banjo music.

Chris: Honey that ship has sailed.

Amanda: Right, well. Next up we’ve got some gay porn for the mix.

#2) Justin and the Chocolate Factory

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434113/

Chris: I think my chocoholism just went away.

Amanda: Never eating a candy bar again.

Amanda: So is it full of Oompa Loompa porn? That’s interracial right?

Chris: Man that’s a bit too interracial for me.

Chris: I mean I’m not against Oompa Loompas but maybe they should just stick to their own side of the chocolate river.

Amanda: So I mean come on what happens?

Amanda: Is it like a factory line of chocolate?

Chris: Chocolate cock, yeah.

Chris: I like that one of the “stars” is named Zaire, just to drive home how authentically black this is.

Chris: His co-star “Little Blunt” intrigues me as well.

Amanda: I might not have clarified this earlier, but by “chocolate” they mean “poo.”

Amanda: IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

Chris: CAN’T SAY I DO

Amanda: God this section is awful let’s move on to the next one.

#1) Blackzilla Is Splittin’ That Shitter

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0980953/

Amanda: Wow.

Chris: Blackzilla’s back!!

Amanda: In his classiest entry to date.

Chris: I’m not even sure what to say to this.

Amanda: My mouth is just sort of agape.

Chris: Not a safe thing when Blackzilla’s around.

Amanda: It makes me think of a black man hitting a toilet with a hammer.

Chris: Yes, with plot keywords like “gaping” and “prolapsed,” what else could it be?

Amanda: I think I’m done for the night. It’s hard to feel dirty just reading IMDb but you’ve come through again.

Chris: Well, Blackzilla and his oeuvre of 30,000 films certainly deserve some credit.

Amanda: Next week we’ll be counting down… I don’t know, but it can’t be worse than this.