Generic Toy Roundup Week: King of Animals: Lion
This generic toy is a staple in the places where generic toys are sold. It is not a rip off of a popular character in cartoons or history. It is not a hugely embarassing play off of what the manufacturers may believe is “cool” or “hip” with the kids.. from some other decade, usually. No, this is just a rip off of an actual animal, just as shoddy and crappy as all the OTHER kinds of rip offs that we can see.
The packaging (which you cannot see. Sorry.) is something else, of course. Typical of all generic companies, they spared no expense in hiring researchers to guarantee that they make any sense whatsoever. And by “sparing no expense,” I do not mean that they didn’t care how much it cost, I mean that they did not bother to spend any money on it at all. In fact, they probably just made the janitor’s 5 year old son paint the package with the “payment” being that they won’t fire his father. The lions are malformed and hideous. And there is a large gorilla striding up to the watering hole. Since, you know, gorillas are commonly seen alongside the zebras and cheetahs and other plains animals. It was untrue when they taught us in 2nd grade that gorillas are found in mountains and jungles. I am as surprised as you are, ladies and gentlemen.
This poorly colored lion really represents ALL of the sad toy animals which come from the Generic Toy Companies. Admittedly, it’s kind of hard to go wrong when making an animal, but they do try their best to do so. This is.. it MOSTLY looks like a lion. I mean, it would probably be a person’s first guess when asked to identify this creature without the handy packaging around which makes certain that you are, indeed, about to spend 79 of your cents on this product. Other guesses might include sea lion, vicious dog, gorilla-cat, or manticore. All will agree however, that it has been crafted so that it looks like it is caught in an eternal scream, its soul tormented by its grotesque looks and legs which do not all rest on the ground simultaneously. I can almost hear it crying out, “Why did they not paint my face to match my body like a real lion? It would not have cost them extra! Why did they make me into a MONSTER?!”
I don’t know, Lion, I just do not know.
