OMGJeremy

Some Of The Dumbest Things You Could Ever Purchase

I have written about a few stupid products before on this site. You may remember the amazing Bug Gun, and the sheer excitement you felt when you finally realized you could eat candy dog food. But after going back and looking through a vast collection of stupid things, I came away with the feeling that I had barely scratched the surface with the depths of what humans could come up with after ingesting lethal dosages of pipe cleaner foam. And after seeing some of the things you are about to see, you will realize that I am probably not too far off from the truth, because I simply cannot imagine these “things” being made by anyone who has not been dipped in a vat of stupid sauce. So without any further space-filler writing, let’s take a look at some of the finest examples of human ingenuity on the market today.

Walking Sushi

What’s the first thing you think of when I mention sushi? Possibly that cheap Chinese buffet down the street that occasionally has “sushi night” where they place a slab of rotted fried bass on a piece of green paper and call it authentic Japanese cuisine? Or perhaps the feeling you get in your stomach right before you realize your authentic Japanese cuisine is about make its way back up your throat and out your mouth and nose at fantastic speeds? Or how about a pair of sushi entrees walking across the floor? What do you mean that last one didn’t make sense? Are you trying to tell me that the idea of a pair of walking sushi does not sound totally normal and something you would think of every day? No? Well, you must be a complete fucking moron, because it’s obvious someone thinks of this when they think of sushi. Not only that, but they figured it would also be a smart business move to actually make a pair of walking sushi and sell it to the mass market. A mass market that could not ever be prepared for this sort of terror.

Looks good enough to eat right? Well it would be except for the fact that it is plastic and walks. Yes, a wind up pair of sushi dishes that walk across whatever surface you see fit to desecrate with such an abomination. Let’s see what the official description is:

“When you wind it up, the sushi pair walks across your table as if they were two feet. We ask you — can you get much stupider than this? “

Probably! But for now we will just focus on this amazing new toy, as it could supply thousands of hours of unbridled fun to a mentally handicapped dog. Watch in wonder and amazement as this modern marvel of science stumbles its way across your dining room table while your little sister screams in total fear at the monstrosity slowly making its way to her mashed potatoes. For even more fun, insert the walking sushi inside her mashed potatoes, and howl with laughter as she is scarred for life when her mashed potatoes give birth to a mutant pair of walking sushi dishes. You can further add to the scene if you begin screaming loudly, pointing at the walking sushi, and then swallowing your tongue. I could sit here and come up with hundreds of other uses for the walking sushi, but I will leave that up to you, since the more I think about walking sushi I want to hit my Mom in the neck for giving birth to me.

Singing Bass Keychain

I’m sure everyone is already familiar with the singing bass, as it has seemingly been created by Satan for no other reason than to make everyone hate it with an extreme passion, yet still want to buy it. The original singing bass would sit on your wall for hours and horrify all that came near it by singing a song through its animated mouth. This, like most novelty toys, was funny for about the first three seconds you saw it, then after that it became the most annoying thing on the planet. Add to the fact that the singing bass was motion activated by anything that walked within ten thousand miles of it, and you can imagine just how much fun the singing bass was.

So of course with that kind of hatred for one product, the creator went back to the drawing board and came up with the following ideas to improve his product:

• Make it smaller so you can carry it everywhere you go
• Ditch the old repetitive songs that everyone hates and find something else to replace it with.
• Replace old songs with traditional Chinese dance song, sung by a high pitched Chinese woman.
• Eat my face.

Yes, instead of hearing annoying catchy songs, you now get to hear an annoying Chinese woman sing, in CHINESE, for an extended amount of time. Sometimes there is just not a good explanation to offer for things like this. Not only the question of why such a thing was ever created, but why it sings a Chinese dance song, and just why would a bass ever sing a Chinese dance song? Perhaps it is possessed with the spirit of a Chinese dancer after a horrible curse. Or perhaps the creator could not acquire the rights to any more stupid American music. Either way, the fact still remains that this keychain is a bass, and it sings. That should say enough right there.

Build Your Own Hut

Have you ever wanted to build your own impoverished family, struggling to get by day by day, wondering when they will have to sell their daughter for sex, just to buy bread? Well now you can with this wonderful new set that allows us to finally build the same kind of family you can only see from afar in the deep south without being shot at. It is the Plastic Hut.

The package comes complete with everything your white trash family will need. One small hut, a couple pieces of old wooden fence, a beer drinking/wife abusing husband, the gin swilling mother, approximately 4000 animals, and stables for your family to hide behind when the police start throwing tear gas. But if all of this leaves you wanting more to add to your white trash fantasy life, then feel free to add the following to make it even more authentic:

• A 1987 Camaro Hotwheel sitting outside with the front and passenger side seats on fire.
• At least twenty or more small children roaming around the yard in the nude. Possibly on fire themselves.
• Several unmarked graves behind the hut.
• A Furby sitting outside the hut to simulate the Father’s drunken hallucinations, and a nearby bar for the father to swear he never went to after he just got done drinking 30 beers at that bar, and cannot understand why his car magically flew into a tree at 120 mph.

Potty Bear

Is your child not able to grasp the concept of taking a shit? Well if they don’t, then there is a new answer to help your horrible parenting skills, and keeping your child from being scarred for life and made fun of in school. Yes, to help your little tyke learn that it is not acceptable to take a shit on the dog, or hold his feces in until his intestines explode, you now have the help of a small stuffed teddy bear. But not just any small stuffed teddy bear. No, this just happens to be the potty bear. The only bear on Earth that is capable of making your child go to the bathroom. Sound too good to be true? Then read on.

Just how does potty bear accomplish this amazing task when its parents were unable to do so, even after holding extensive diplomatic talks with the child? It’s very simple actually. To make potty bear work his magic, just squeeze him and he will begin vibrating like a mad Irishman. I guess this indicates that potty bear needs to indeed potty, since we all know the natural reaction to having to take a shit is to vibrate at supersonic speeds. But potty bear just doesn’t stop there. While potty bear continues to vibrate at dangerous speeds, he then begins to sing. Yes, sing. But not just any song. No, potty bear sings the potty song, and it goes like this:

I’m a super duper pooper.

I know when I have to go.

Take a bow

I’m a big kid now.

I’m the best pooper you know!

After hearing that, I’m not sure how anyone would not be screaming to use the bathroom, or just screaming period. But following potty bear’s advice, and his amazing wisdom, you too could be the best pooper you know. Just please do not share that information with anyone else.

Head Blinkers

Do you find people that walk behind you get extremely confused about which way you’re going to walk, and suddenly slam into you, causing you to fall into a giant vat of pointy things and molten lava, giving you massive brain trauma and third degree burns? I know this happens to me all too often. This is because I was not following the proper safety rules for walking. You say you had no idea there was a need for safety rules regarding walking? Me neither, but as usual it seems I am a blithering moron for not realizing this.

This is where headblinkers come into play. Yes, I said head blinkers. Now you too can be as cool as that kid on the package above with your very own head blinkers. But what exactly are head blinkers you may be asking? Head blinkers operate the same way that car headlights do with two small differences:

• They are not on a car
• You wear them on your FACE

Actually, to be more accurate, you wear them around your ears, as you can see from the packaging. And by seeing this you might possibly be asking yourself why anyone (outside of safety reasons of course) would ever attach this thing to their head? Well it seems there is an answer to that also, and it is conveniently located on the package itself:

“Haven’t you ever wondered how much fun it would be if only your ears would light up?”

No. Not really. I can honestly say I have never once asked myself that question in the entire 23 or so years since I was squirted out of my mother. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only person that ever asked that question is the same person who blew this wretched idea out of his ass in the first place. But in the end, that seems to be the prime reason why someone would want to wear these. And really, who could resist looking as cool as that damn kid on the package?

The Racquet Zapper

What do you get the person that:

• A. Has a lot of various bugs that fly around them constantly.
• B. Has a total lust for extreme violence but has a hard way of expressing it without breaking the law.

And:

• C. Is totally braindead.

The answer to your question is our next product, the amazing Racquet Zapper. A tennis racquet that is equipped with an electrified netting that will kill bugs the instant you swat the holy fuck out of them with it. This will most definitely come in handy for many situations. Has that darn mosquito been bugging the hell out of you all day? Just take a few swings at it with racquet zapper to clear it away. What about those annoying flies that try to suck the gooey meat membrane off of your hot dogs? Well, with just a few wild flailings of your racquet zapper, those flies will wish they had never tried to suck your meat. And what about that pesky wife that will not shut up about your various work affairs and how depressed she is? Again, all it takes is a few swings of the racquet zapper directly to her throat, and you’ll never have to worry about her again. As you can see, the racquet zapper will pay for itself in just a few uses.

And really, the only thing you have to fear while using the racquet zapper is the occasional group of police officers forming around your house after the neighbors noticed you running around your yard, swatting at invisible things with a tennis racquet. A small price to pay, in my opinion.

And with that said, that’s all the unfortunate products we have time for today. By the way, all of these products are in fact real, and can be purchased anytime over at stupid.com. For now though, I do not foresee myself needing a pair of head blinkers any time soon. At least when not involving a lot of alcohol and a fifty dollar bet. But who am I to say if this is junk or not. After all, one man’s junk is another man’s excuse to spend money. Enjoy!