OMGJeremy

Let’s Eat Weird Shit From Stores: The Bible Bar

Rarely has anything ever crossed my eyes that actually makes me step back and wonder if what I saw was the real deal or something that my brain has fabricated in real time to slowly make me think I was going mad. The Bible Bar definitely qualifies as one of those moments. When I took it out of the box, at first mistaking it for a what I figured to be a particularly heavy industrial piece of cement, I had to sit there and stare at it for a good minute before things started to sink in.

As you can see, it definitely is a Bible Bar. The package exclaims that it is “Nutrition God’s Way”. And how would this be, since as far as I know God never actually set a diet in stone for his people? As far as I remember he was too busy telling everyone to stone everyone else, so there probably wasn’t too much time to tell everyone what their daily calorie intake should be, or how much trans fat they should include in their meals. All God did was say “Hey fags don’t be gluttons because fat shits don’t get into heaven” and so it was.

But the Bible Bar definitely says it’s God’s way, so I’m guessing we should at least take it’s word for it. The bar’s reasoning being that it contains all the ingredients from Deuteronomy 8:8 in the Bible, which includes; Wheat, Barley, Raisins, Honey, Figs, Pomegranates, and Olive Oil

And while the Bible Bar is indeed being accurate (Yes, I checked) on it’s ingredients in a Bible Passage that has nothing to do at all with any sort of recipe (It’s referring to a perfect land or some shit), this doesn’t exactly equate to a taste that can be described as palatable. In fact, the taste probably can’t be described as anything other than what it is, which is dried prunes wrapped around a chunk of hay. And not just any chunk of hay, but the most condensed form of wheat and barley you can get wheat and barley into. This would be why I first thought it to be a wrapped piece of cement, because it literally is like an ancient brick that you’d see ancient people building primitive buildings with. I swear there are at least five acres of barley in every bite of the Bible Bar.

The only person I can see liking the Bible Bar would be older people desperate to find new and dangerous ways to empty out their colon, since their bodies have long forgotten how to do so by themselves. And while we can thoroughly recommend the Bible Bar for the task of biblical dumps, we cannot recommend you ever actually eat one of these things for any other reason. God’s way or not.

Overall Ratings:

• Density: You could bring down a wooly mammoth with it
• Ingredients: Wheat, Barley, Raisins, Honey, Figs, Pomegranates, and Olive Oil once and for all conclude we should never listen to the Bible on anything.
• Overall Look: It looks like a solid brick of shit. There is no “cool” factor in holding a Bible Bar. The fact that it’s called a Bible Bar should have told that to you already though. 
• Overall Taste: Somehow tastes worse than it looks. Like eating seven boxes of pure wheat in one bite. I had to drink eight glasses of water and brush my teeth three times just to get all the fucking random hay bits out of my mouth.

Conclusion:

It may very well bring you closer to the Lord while eating it, but it will definitely bring you closer to your toilet later.