OMGJeremy

Review: Pachinko Sexy Reaction

With a title like that, I have high hopes.

Usually when I select the games I am going to review, I at least have to go through and actually “play” the game somewhat before I’m capable of deciding if it’s worthy of a review or not. And while most of the time this playing is simply limited to seeing if the rom will load in my emulator, I at least see that the game is a fully functional game before writing a semi-coherent review. But this time was different. Today’s game was chosen by me just for the title alone. I mean, c’mon, “Pachinko Sexy Reaction” isn’t exactly a title you see every day. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this may be the only time in my life that I will ever see something called Pachinko Sexy Reaction. And how could I live the rest of my life knowing that I passed a chance to actually play something called Pachinko Sexy Reaction? What the hell would I ever say to my friends if they asked?

Friend: So Billy, you play Pachinko Sexy Reaction?

Me: No.

But don’t think that no wouldn’t be followed with horrible guilt and the side-effect of not being able to urinate in a public restroom from the sheer drop in self-confidence. But even with all of that, I still wasn’t going to download it at first, because even massive guilt-trips can’t overcome my laziness. But then I figured I would be haunted for the rest of my years. Not exactly from the glaring stares from my knowing friends, but just trying to figure out what a “Sexy Reaction” is. Because God knows I sure as hell need one. Whatever the fuck it is.

If I ever saw a pair like that, I'd have the exact same reaction.

Pachinko Sexy reaction not surprisingly centers around the game Pachinko, a strange Japanese game that has yet to be mass-marketed by Americans. The game itself is an odd variation of the game Plinko of Price Is Right fame. Your main objective is to propel a small ball into the machine, and try to get it into the various small holes located throughout the board which give you points depending on which ones you hit. If you hit a particularly high-scoring hole, then all kinds of crazy shit happens. Like lights start flashing on and off 1000 times per second, and then big flashing shapes appear too, making your eyes turn inside out. Then eventually women take off their clothes and have sex with each other. Actually now that I think about it, the games aren’t all that similar in many ways, but still, Plinko is better because Plinko is on the Price is Right. And as far as I know, I’ve never seen any large-breasted electronic women on the back of the Plinko board, stripping off clothes with every chip you dropped in. Then and only then would Plinko be closer to Pachinko Sexy Reaction. I’m not saying that would necessarily be a bad thing, but still, it’s the Price is Right and it fucking rocks my balls off with or without naked anime breasts. And that kids, is what happens when you reach twenty.

Anyway, you begin the game by choosing a female. You don’t play as this female mind you, but instead she just stands around and monitors your progress, offering up comments (in Japanese) to you as the game progresses. As mentioned before, points are gathered by planting your balls into the proper slots, and if you can get enough balls into the slot machine device, you will then have a “Sexy Reaction.” Unfortunately, a sexy reaction ends up not having much to do with sex or any type of general reaction at all, it is just a way for you to amass several thousand points at once. And even though I was very disappointed that my “sexy reaction” was about as sexy as beating any given stage of Pac Man, it does eventually come into play, as points are important since the more you get, the faster you get to see what Pachinko Sexy Reaction was originally created to showcase, which we will delve into a bit later. But really, barring my confusing description totally, let’s go in depth a bit about the game itself:

When you first start the game, you will be forced to choose a character for yourself. We will call this character “Over-Developed Teenage Whore 1.”

Well, at least I get a cool uniform this time.

Your goal is to keep shooting the little balls until you can start up the slot machine, and if by chance the Moon aligns with Jupiter and you line up three alike things, you’ll get the chance to rack up ungodly points (or to be more accurate, a sexy reaction). I was never able to get very many sexy reactions, as the slot machine seems incredibly random at times. And even though I am well aware that slot machines are supposed to be random, the fact remains that when you’re playing a game based around sex, you don’t really want to try very hard to make the girl take her clothes off. Just like real life actually. So basically you are constantly shooting balls and doing the little slot machine until you eventually reach a goal of a certain amount of points.

It's even more confusing when it's actually moving.

If by chance you actually have the patience to reach the goal before you unload the ROM and masturbate to real porn, you get to see the various characters you can choose change into different outfits. All very sexy. All guilty of giving me my own “Sexy Reaction.” This trend continues, you keep going and going, seeing quite a few absolutely Titanic-sized anime breasts along the way, and hearing many moans and pouts from your anime character from her not wanting to take their clothes off like any good bitch should. And that basically sums up Pachinko Sexy Reaction very well. There’s not much more one could say on the game itself, since it’s just a goddamn pachinko game after all. There’s really not much strategy I could give you either…

BILLY’S PACHINKO SEXY REACTION PROTIP #5!

• Push button (again)
• Pray

That’s the only strategy I ever used anyway. But if you’re some hard-core pachinko player, then feel free to submit your own strategies that you may have uncovered for this game so I can sit and laugh at you for hours, then tell my friends about you, and then laugh some more.

If this weren't so unintentionally hillarious, it might be arousing.

After a while though, I simply stopped caring about the breasts, and decided to never play Pachinko Sexy Reaction again. Especially not while alone with a box of Kleenex and bottle of lotion nearby. And there you have it. Not well written, nor well thought out, but a hell of a lot of T&A from what are most likely underage Japanese anime whores. I realize this is the first thing I’ve written in a while, but I will try not to abandon the good people that frequent this site. I have plans in motion to put my career and well-being on hold to keep providing tons of arousing and possibly illegal content in the future. And in the end, that’s all that I ever envisioned myself doing on the weekends.

Until then, do yourself a favor and find Pachinko Sexy Reaction, and find out just how sexy and frighteningly scary large nipples poking through very small shirts can be. And while the game may not be very fun, or offer any type of general gameplay at all, it can still be fun to view some of the art in the game. And how many fun and wacky situations large breasts can get into. Surprisingly, a lot more than I ever thought I could dream up.

Rack up another win for the Japanese.