OMGJeremy

Christian For A Dollar Week: American Christian Fish

Submitted by Holly

It is almost criminal to choose one piece of crap from this collection, as it contains such a world of hurt as a group. However, there is one stream of tackorama on this site that has amused, attracted and sickened me the most. That would have to be the Christian AND patriotic merchandise that seems to scream: “USA Belongs to Jesus!” It also seems to be warning all us non-Americans that the USA, like Christ, will burn you as quick as look at you. My first reaction to the Icthus fish filled in with the red, white, and blue was a laugh, quickly followed by silence, finished off with near tears. (For those of you not boned-up on your Christian art motifs, the Icthus fish is that lame one-line fish we see everywhere, symbolizing both the promise to rise again and the image of Jesus as a provider. The letters in “Icthus” spell out “Jesus Christ, Son of G-d, Saviour” in Greek. There, that makes $20,000 of tuition worthwhile.) On this site, you can get this lovely piece of Americana in pin, magnet and bumper sticker varieties, and, if you act now, you can get all three and nauseate your neighbors in several different ways. (more…)

Christian For A Dollar Week: Bible Colorforms

Submitted by MysteriousPepito

Remember the magic of Colorforms? Remember taking out your first nylon-ish efigee of some Sesame Street character or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and trying to place it in a scene in such a manner that it looks like it’s doing something? Chances are you don’t, because of a psychodynamic theory called repression, which buries painful memories deep into your brain in an attempt to kill them. Because Colorforms were stupid and never stayed on the God damn board they came with, and there was really only so much you could do with them theatrically, as they always had about 3 inches of white border surrounding them, an idea which would only become cool years later in the 1999-2002 era, when the concept of cel-shading made everyone just cream their jeans. (more…)

Christian For A Dollar Week: Plush Faith Monkey

Well, well, well. I think we can all agree that this is just the most darling little stuffed monkey we have ever had the pleasure to gaze upon. It is so colorful and wacky, with its long monkey arms and cute little monkey eyes. But what’s this? Why does it have a cross embroidered upon its little monkey chest, over its darling monkey heart? Why, because it is a CHRISTIAN monkey, sillies! And like all christian things, this monkey is deeply significant in all ways, right down to the colors chosen! (more…)

Christian For A Dollar Week: Praise Ponies

Every little girl loves ponies to a certain extent. Especially those damn My Little Ponies. Many a young girl spent hours grooming and…grooming their little plastic multi-colored ponies. I know I did. But there was always something missing from the experience. Something that just seemed vacant from my many times that I tried to make them have sex to create baby ponies. Possibly a large chunk of my frontal lobe. Or maybe according to this fine little toy, though, it seems all I was missing was God’s message. (more…)

Christian For A Dollar Week: Jesus Loves You Harmonica

Submitted by K’

Are you hoping your child will grow up to be the most famous Christian blues artist of all time? Well, look no further! Your starter kit (suit and crippling depression not included) is right here! Here we have a harmonica that is SURE to inspire the kids to play. With its high quality wooden form, and ability to play 4, COUNT THEM, 4 NOTES, your child’s first concert may happen the minute they open the box! That is, of course, until you get tired of the horrible, horrible playing for the lord that your kid is doing, and take it away from them, and throw it into the trash can (for the lord, of course.) (more…)

Let’s Eat Weird Shit From Stores: The Bible Bar

Rarely has anything ever crossed my eyes that actually makes me step back and wonder if what I saw was the real deal or something that my brain has fabricated in real time to slowly make me think I was going mad. The Bible Bar definitely qualifies as one of those moments. When I took it out of the box, at first mistaking it for a what I figured to be a particularly heavy industrial piece of cement, I had to sit there and stare at it for a good minute before things started to sink in.

As you can see, it definitely is a Bible Bar. The package exclaims that it is “Nutrition God’s Way”. And how would this be, since as far as I know God never actually set a diet in stone for his people? As far as I remember he was too busy telling everyone to stone everyone else, so there probably wasn’t too much time to tell everyone what their daily calorie intake should be, or how much trans fat they should include in their meals. All God did was say “Hey fags don’t be gluttons because fat shits don’t get into heaven” and so it was. (more…)