OMGJeremy

Hentai Review: Magical Twilight

(Please note that I was largely writing this review from memory, and refused to watch this movie over again for accuracy’s sake. So if you notice certain parts of the movie in places they shouldn’t be, or entire scenes omitted, then consider yourself lucky)

I had no idea the life of a witch was so interesting. All these years I have been led to believe that the life of a witch basically consisted of them sitting in a dark cave, plotting evil schemes against the horrified Christian townsfolk, turning people into frogs, and looking really old and scary. With their large pointy hats, big warts on their long, shriveled up noses, and an overall sense of foreboding evil surrounding them, I mostly figured that witches did not lead a very exciting life beyond working directly with Satan, and were best left alone until they came down from their cave late one night and ate my children. But like everything else in my life, I have come to find out that this is nothing but a huge box of lies that has been given to me time and time again by such unreliable sources as “parents” and “history books.”

This Witch has nothing on Magical Japanese Witches

As it turns out however, witches aren’t old or nasty. In fact, they all appear to be young and cute. And instead of living in a cave in a mountain where they plot their evil witchery ways, they seem to live in heaven, and regularly attend witch high school. I know, I’m as shocked as you probably aren’t right now, but I can assure you that everything you might have known about witches beforehand is probably nothing more than a huge fabricated lie, told to you by your parents in hopes that they could conceal the truth from you for as long as possible. Like the way mine would always tell me they wished they had a girl, and how they tried to drown me at the age of five in an abandoned car that they pushed into a lake. Oh Mom and Dad! You silly guys!

So just how did I come to find out this startling revelation that could have an enormous impact on absolutely nothing at all? By watching a hentai movie of course! Haven’t we already learned that by watching any given hentai movie that you can pretty much discover countless shocking truths that you never knew existed? Like how kids regularly have sex in your high school, and how every woman on Earth will have sex with you and love every minute of it if you take her by force. We also learned about tentacle monsters from other dimensions, but since most of us are guys, we really don’t have to worry about those things. Those are just a few of the things we’ve learned so far, but I was nowhere near prepared for the shock that today’s hentai movie would provide. Not only did I discover that witches are very fun and exciting to be around, but also that they have lots of sex. All the time.

Today’s hentai movie is none other than Magical Twighlight, which tells the story of a young witch trying desperately to graduate witch high school, and become a full-fledged witch. Of course if the story stayed strictly with this plot, we would be in for a very long and boring 26 minutes, even more so than it already is. But fortunately for us, we’re watching a hentai movie, which means that it will make no sense whatsoever at any given time, and will ultimately have several totally out of place sex scenes thrown in for good measure. And Magical Twighlight certainly doesn’t disappoint in either of those categories. Of course, this is like saying a 30 day old rotting corpse looks better than a 36 day old rotting corpse, so don’t get too excited.

Magical Twighlight starts off in the same way that most bad hentai movies start off, by having an opening consisting of mostly hard-core sex. And it’s also not surprising that this hard-core sex is taking place inside a high school, with a teacher, while class is going on. You can already see that Magical Twighlight isn’t going to let us down in the area of being a totally generic hentai movie, which is good, since it’s going to make my job a lot easier writing this. Meanwhile, in the classroom itself, we see our young heroine suffering with a pretty large case of ADD, since she seems to be having a very hard time finishing her test that appears to be nothing more than a few scribbles on a piece of paper. We should also take this time to note that our young heroine is the typical “cute” lead female character. With short hair, a high-pitched whiny voice, and medium-sized breasts, we can already tell she’s going to become the prime target for a bored animator who gets tired of drawing her being cute, and would instead like to draw her being fucked in the ass with a strap-on penis. It’s only a matter of time.

After class is over we see our heroine speaking to her two cute friends about how she is totally stupid and worthless at whatever she does. The director gets points for realism here, as he has accurately described how most teenage girls really are. It’s just that our heroine has yet to start threatening suicide to her Internet friends, or writing dark gothic poetry onto her arm with a knife. But this could change by episode two, depending on how bored the aforementioned animators get. Our heroine is also relatively pissed at some other witch, who just happens to be the girl we saw screwing a teacher in the first few scenes, and is now currently standing directly behind her. It seems that that whole sex scene was not at all to get the horny masses all wet and lathered up, but instead because she was blackmailing the teacher so that he would pass her. The director also gets points for realism here as well, since we all know that’s the only way girls pass high school anyway.

So with our heroine’s horrible stupidity looming over any plans she might have for the future, she discovers that she has once again failed the test. She then goes to talk to Jesus about what to do. I’m not sure if the guy is Jesus, but he’s sitting on a really big podium, and he’s kinda old, so that pretty much fits every description for Jesus I’ve ever heard, so we’ll just call him Jesus. Jesus informs our heroine that she is, in fact, pretty fucking stupid to have failed the same damn test so many times. But Jesus, being the kind father-like figure he is, decides to give our heroine one last chance to pass her test, and sends her to Earth to become friends with a random Japanese high school boy.

Of course if it were that simple, this movie would eventually turn into one of those Japanese dating simulator games. The ones without the hard-core sex. And while that might make a majority of the hapless Japanese fanboys very happy, it would make the rest of us very bored, and we’d eventually just change the channel and watch the Price is Right, while fantasizing about the model stroking a Hoover upright vacuum cleaner, and yelling at the TV when one of the incredibly retarded contestants constantly bids one dollar on fucking EVERYTHING. But to keep this from happening, the director seems to have just drunk enough crystallized methane to realize that he needs some type of plot to go along with our heroine’s current situation. So he puts our heroine’s arch-rival that we mentioned before on the same exact assignment. Wow, I never saw that coming at all! Of course, our heroine is not very happy at all about this, which she shows by saying several high-pitched Japanese words.

Our two heroines eventually arrive at the poor kid’s house who is about to have two incredibly beautiful women tell him that they want to live with him, and do whatever it takes to make him happy. But it seems our guy is almost completely retarded, and turns them down without giving so much as a passing thought to all the badly animated sex scenes that could have resulted in him agreeing. While he may be saving this reviewer a lot of pain in watching said scenes, he’s certainly not making his own life any easier, since our heroine’s rival gets totally pissed at his rejection, and blows up his house with a laser beam.

The next day at school, our troubled teen guy confesses to his friends that he is not only being stalked by two teenage girls that seem to be obsessed with making him happy, but he is also having strange dreams about his own death. Little does he know, as well as the rest of us audience, who are now mostly losing braincells by the second, that he is being pursued by yet another witch. This new witch however, is not the generous kind and cuddly witch that his other two stalker witches seem to be. Instead, this witch is dressed in tight black clothes, which immediately tells us that she is very sexy, and maybe even a little evil too. The reason she is after the guy is that she has been sent to earth as well for a test. It’s just that her test involves killing a human to pass. And wouldn’t you know it, our troubled teenage guy is the target. Talk about you advanced plot cliches!

Things quickly turn to trouble as our heroine realizes that the evil witch is trying to murder her assignment, and does not take it lightly. Especially since the two of them fell in love in a previous scene I forgot to mention. But our heroine’s rival witch is not going to lose so easily, and decides that the only way she can make the boy happy is to paralyze him and have sex with him. Unfortunately the director does not get points for being realistic here, as being paralyzed by an incredibly attractive woman, and having her have sex with me simply has not happened too often in the last few years. I could be wrong though, and this could be happening everywhere, and I am simply being left out of the loop. After all, hentai has yet to lie to me, and I hope it’s not going to let me down now.

As you can imagine, our heroine is not too happy when she comes in and sees the love of her life being screwed by her arch-rival. By now she’s thoroughly had enough of her sluttish ways, and this was the last straw. It’s now time to cue in the bitch fight between our heroine, and her rival, who is completely naked. I’m sure a majority of you would not have it any other way. So they begin charging up their energy blasts, ready to fry each other in a flurry, when the bad witch suddenly decides to bust in and kill everyone herself in typical bad-ass anime girl fashion. Everything then just falls straight to hell, as our heroine immediately takes on the evil witch, while her arch rival grabs the guy, takes him to the bathroom, ties him to the toilet, and continues to have oral sex with him.

You simply can’t question her effort. I think if every girl on Earth were that insistent on making a guy orgasm, this would be a much happier planet. Unlike a good majority of women’s efforts now, which mostly involve accidentally rolling over on top their boyfriend while they’re sleeping.

Just as our heroine and the evil witch are about to totally fry everyone and everything, our way oversexed guy escapes from his horribly uncomfortable bondage scene, and throws himself in front of our heroine, permanently solidifying his role in this movie as a babyface punk ass bitch. The evil witch then gets blasted, and escapes, leaving everyone else in what could probably be the most awkward situation ever. Our heroine’s arch rival finally gets fed up with not being able to satisfy such an obviously cold-blooded freak, and takes off back to witch world. This doesn’t bother me much, since it seems her main role in this movie, up until this point, is to smirk and laugh every time she is on screen.

Meanwhile, back at our punk ass bitch’s high school, the evil witch is asking his friends for some advice on how to kill him. Unfortunately for her, this particular guy’s idea is to not dish out any advice, but instead to take her to the nurses office, tie her up, and rape her.

Hooray!

Back at home, our heroine is very pissed off. On one hand, the man she loves is a human, and she knows she can’t be with him. On the other, there is a witch flying around trying to kill him. Super bummer! So she figures the only way to at least make the guy happy is to take out the evil witch. She flies to the high school, and senses that the witch is in the nurses office, but before she can burst in and exact super-violent revenge, the evil witch and her newly found rapist/boyfriend pop out. The evil witch now proclaims that she doesn’t want to kill the guy, and has found that being raped is far more enjoyable. Oh those wacky anime witches! Will they ever learn?

So now with the evil witch problem taken care of, and her arch rival back off in heaven world, everything ends with a nice tidy stain-drenched bow. I’m certainly not going to go into the second rate ending, which involves a heartfelt good-bye by our heroine after having sex with her man, only to have her show back up a day later, saying that the Jesus guy has given her permission to stay on Earth as long as she wants, which no doubt means more wacky adventures, and sequels for us.

And that’s basically all there is to it. With all this new knowledge about witches and their going-ons, you should be downright shocked at everything you’ve learned today. As for the film itself, it’s 26 minutes of crap, saved only by the evil witch, who looks pretty hot. Other than that, the animation is piss poor, and the sex is plentiful, but of such low production values that they seem to be included for novelty reasons only. But at least it teaches us an invaluable lesson about women in the process. And what would that be?

Chicks LOVE to be raped.

Bah, I’m sure 90% of the people who read this site knew that already.