Guide to Ninja Survival
You never hear about the Ninjas. (more…)
29th Apr2009
0 Comm
27th Apr2009
Let’s Take A Look At Some Terrible Game Advertisements
Game advertisements have evolved several million times over the last few decades, but no matter how cool they get, there’s always going to be some terrible ones. Here are a few of the worst: (more…)
25th Apr2009
Comic: My Big Misadventure With Canned Fish
Hard to read but fun to look at, that’s MY specialty! (more…)
25th Apr2009
Spend the Weekend With Billy: Wet Towels and Achievements
Jeremy told me to write up a regular piece that will show up every weekend. I said yes, thinking of how simple it would be to just knock it out early on in the week and have my site responsibilities all finished up. It is now 6:20PM on Friday. Not given any real set theme, I have decided that I will just highlight my week and the goings-on that have taken place during it. I had originally hoped to use this space to post pictures of the ugliest people I have come across over the week, but when you point a camera at an ugly person they generally become very defensive.
Heatwave
It has finally gotten hot in this asshole of a state called Michigan. Not really that hot, but it has gotten to the point to where you can survive without wearing three layers of clothing. No longer having to make sure every inch of skin I wanted to keep was covered, a whole new set of problems came around. It’s hot inside. We do have air conditioning, but it just doesn’t work that well. In the layout of the bedroom the only logical place to put the bed was over the only vent in the room. I mean really, it was the only good spot to put the bed. So yeah, the air works okay (it isn’t hitting on much as it is) but it isn’t doing the job at all. So as is the case with most emergencies that would otherwise require a great deal of work or money to solve, I turn back to my Southern upbringing and crazy-assed relatives logic:
I hung a wet towel in the window.
Why? Well, any time a room gets hot I go back to the hottest summer I can recall from my childhood. We were in my uncle’s trailer (single-wide, wood paneling, wooden furniture, Native American decorations, the works) and it was a sweltering summer day. Shortly after the television announced it was over 100 degrees outside, the power went out. After waiting several minutes – mostly because this was a common happening lately because some idiot managed to knock out the power on two occasions while trying to steal cable – my uncle stood up and proclaimed enough was enough. He didn’t necessarily say it that way, it was more of a “Sweatin’ too fuckin’ much,” followed by a stomping off to the bathroom. He came back out with a soaking wet towel, which I thought he would use to put over himself or on his head or one of the other sane things one could do with a wet towel. Instead he opened the window (letting the window unit FALL out in the process) and threw the towel over the curtain rod. The rest of us stared at amazement at this point, and I think he could tell we were doubting whatever it was he was doing. In what was surely a lesson for us in being confident in yourself even when facing the greatest doubt and adversity, he near-yelled “One goddamn minute and y’all are gonna be freezin’.”
My uncle was a drunk, a man with a short temper, and one of the funniest people I have ever met. However on this day, he was also 100% correct. Almost instantly we felt a cool breeze blowing through the window, and within 10 minutes we were heading out the door to play outside because it was literally too cold. I recall his laughter as we started to head out the door, the shit-eating “I told you so” grin that he had so rightly earned the right to wear. He had proven to me that on this day, man can triumph over the elements. If Mother Nature was Father Nature, he would have suffered from my uncle rising up through the clouds to give him an uppercut in the balls.
I am not my uncle, which is good and bad. The main bad being that no matter how often I try, the towel trick is still very much hit or miss. I’ve tried it on several occasions in many homes, and I’m maybe 40% with it at best. It always starts off pretty similar, with my standing up and proclaiming that this heat is going to be brought down to its knees. Missing is drunken stumble to grab a towel, and I have to fake the being sure of myself instead of having that aura of never being wrong that comes with several drinks. I’ve never sent people running out of the room to avoid the 2nd ice age. I’ve never had the chance to let out that “I told ya so” as they sprinted away. The day that I do though, I am going to make them feel as shitty as possible for doubting me. I work on the grin in the mirror, and I even hate myself when I see it. But we will see how often that happens. Like I said, it only works roughly 40% of the time. This current time falls into that 60%. I’m typing this with a wet towel in the window that is doing absolutely nothing, a floor fan that, much like Amanda Wood, only seems to blow hot air, and a hand-towel draped over my head. I am currently thinking of what I could possibly do next. After I finish this I will be constructing a complex tunnel system to force the air from the AC into the middle of the room. I wish I had Legos around right now to aid me.
Don’t Stop Achievin’
For the longest time I have thought the idea of achievements in XBox360 games were just stupid. I mean it can be cool to have one pop up when you do something amazing, a small reward of sorts for your hard work in finishing a game or just being awesome. I liked them to that extent, but I never really cared what my score was. That is, until recently. I stumbled upon a site that sort of blogs for your 360, and in which it gives a detailed account of what your score is and what your point gain was from day to day. There is even a rankings board for overall score, achievements gained, etc. It was all downhill from there.
A leaderboard or public forum that gives me direct human competition always brings out the worst in me. Even if it is something I know is hopeless, I will try again and again to climb the ranks and hope that knocking someone out of 14,398th place will make them cry. So I’ve been on an achievement tear lately, doing all I can to rake in those points. I’ve been playing through old games I never thought I would play again, and beating the shit out of current games in an effort to get 10 or so points. When I found myself thinking about re-playing Alone in the Dark (because I hurried through that piece of shit), I knew I had hit hard times. Of course that wasn’t as bad as the guy who sent me 5 messages within 10 minutes because he wanted me to come help him boost multi-player in Legendary. For those of you not really in the know about games, that is a very sad thing to want to do. When I got the first message I swore it was some sort of prank, and that when I got into the room they would all laugh at me and leave, heading off into the sunset to play much better games. I declined the offer, though a message sent the other day notified me that it was “cash” and that it only took 3 hours to get all the multi-player achievements. I’d like to think I am not that sad… but shit, I seriously considered playing more Sneak King just so I could get the miserable 200 points it had to offer.
Sneak King, Alone in the Dark, Legendary multi-player… this is what my gaming life has come to.
Oh yeah, on the awesome side of things, the ladyfriend and I traveled to this amazing arcade/novelty/oddity place. I’m going to try to just do a full review on it, but I want to ask permission first and be all legit. Well, I have spoke a little on what is going on with me… which I hope at least is somewhat interesting. I’m supposed to do this every weekend and it will be up from early Saturday to late Sunday… so if you don’t like it just go outside and have a life and not be sitting on the internet all weekend, assholes!
24th Apr2009
The Eight Layers of Hell: Furcadia
I have finally found a game that has officially ruined me. (more…)
22nd Apr2009
A Look Into the Dark, Depraved World of Breakfast Cereals
This is a drawing off of some made-for-kids site. I think those are pills in the bowl there.
I’ve noticed that a pretty noteworthy characteristic of my life so far is that I think a lot. Actually, some people have said that I think far too much for it to be healthy. This might not be the general consensus if the things I thought about were able to be used to further research on a fantastic Time Machine that actually works, or, you know, coming up with brilliant scientific discoveries that would help us send people to other planets without using a bazillion gallons of fuel to even break into space. But no – I think about the most useless shit ever. And I am no stranger to making crackpot theories at the drop of a hat. Theories that sound almost like they have some sort of value, but upon closer inspection it is seen that they are just completely insane, worthy only of ridicule and maybe morbid entertainment for people who need to pass some time. That is probably why I write for Jeremy’s site here. Some might call this a colossal waste of time, and don’t let that fool you – it really is. As you can imagine, though, other noteworthy characteristics of my life are that I have “too much free time” and that I “make irritating and confusing life decisions that waste a lot of the time that could be used for something actually productive for once.” BACK OFF!
The arguments and explanations for and against productivity will have to wait for another day, I’m afraid. For today, I am here to talk to you about a strange and disturbing quality about Breakfast Cereals that I have been noticing lately. Actually, I’ve been noticing these things since I was about seventeen years old and have been keeping a watchful eye on these sinister commercials and their propaganda filled with honeyed oats for many years now. But don’t let me get ahead of myself here. Ladies and gentlemen, fine upstanding readers with inquisitive, probing minds, I must make you all painfully aware of just how much cereal and drugs have in common.
A Crackpot Theory, You Say?
Product of the Future, if the capitalists have their way!
No no, hear me out. One Saturday morning, while watching poor-quality cartoons, I started paying attention to the way advertisers aimed their products at children younger than myself. These commercials are bright, colorful, loud, and seem to flash a lot or have some other manic quality to them. Before that day, my brain would sort of glaze over when they were on, which is probably how they were designed. Glazed over minds are open to suggestion, afterall. They turn children into bigger braindead zombies than they already are, you see, so that they can shape and mold them to want, need, and finally demand to have the products to their parents. This seemed straightforward and explainable enough until I realized that even things like food products were being presented in some very strange ways.
Strange…. addictive ways.
I haven’t taken the time to notice enough to make it a final sort of factual opinion – but right now at this moment, six seconds after first having the thought, it seems like absolute truth to me: Products aimed at adults are sold by advertising with sex, products for teens prey on their sense of wanting to belong with other people and their self-esteem issues and insecurities, and products aimed at children are sold by talking about them as if they were very fine drugs. Particularly morning foods are advertised in the same ways I always imagined drugs would actually be advertised if they weren’t horribly illegal and frowned upon by People In Charge.
Keep Reading, I’m Getting To The Point Pretty Soon
Breakfast Cereals fall into three categories: Unhealthy and Painfully Sweet Cereal, Basic Plain Cereal Aimed At Kids and Adults, and Healthy Cereal Aimed Primarily at Adult Colons. This last type doesn’t really apply to my topic but it may be worthy of its own article someday. We will cast it aside and focus on those aimed at the children, the future cereal addicts and lifetime consumers with hardcore devotions to whatever product gets to them first. I have found that while the sugar-coated bad-for-you cereals seem like they would be closer to actual drugs because of the resulting sugar-rush and sugar addiction, when it comes to commercials, things like Corn Pops® and Frosted Flakes® hint at more hardcore addicting qualities.
So far, I have kind of been writing at random, not really knowing how I am going to display my evidence. But I think I have it decided right now. So this is going to be how it goes, I hope: I will talk about some of the mascots and the COMPELLING EVIDENCE against them. And then I will talk about the two that horrify me the most: Honeycomb and Corn Pops. Because I haven’t actually been conducting serious research, I don’t have actual undeniable findings for all of them. This article is meant as more of an eye-opener, anyway. To get everyone looking. This is not a final analysis, kids. This is just the beginning! And I think this sentence makes for a decent paragraph-length, so I may now move on to the actual interesting stuff and away from the omg so suspenseful build-up!
Dig This Cold, Hard Evidence Made of Clustered Oats and Marshmallow Bits
I don’t really know how to put this, so I’ll just come out and say it. Cereal commercials are truly fashioned after drug addictions. Wait, have I been saying that the entire time already? It doesn’t matter – because it’s TRUE and I can’t overstate it enough! If the strange cereal mascots aren’t being depicted as hopeless addicts trying to steal from friends and strangers, they are seen as guides showing you how to obtain these much-coveted whole-grain artificially flavored sugar coated o’s filled with a satisfying crack-cocaine crunch!
The thing is… While sugar DOES have an addictive quality all its own – to my knowledge, cereal really isn’t actually dipped in highly addictive drugs. Although I am sure the cereal companies wish they could use such devious methods to get large amounts of children undeniably dependent on their products, it’s just not good business. So they’ve decided to advertise in ways that may encourage some sort of subconscious psychological dependence. I don’t think it is an unbelievable possibility. I mean, it seems to get the job done. We’ve all had cravings for certain foods at one time or another, and when we compare the definition of a craving with the definition for addiction… Well, we see that they are quite the same thing. In fact, when you read the section on Honeycomb, you will find that the website has defined craving quite nicely. Originally, that section was going to be next, but I have a better idea. But, if you are that impatient, you can skip around, for all I care. I don’t give a damn!
There Are Two Kinds of Mascots In This World…
The ones who try to steal the goods, and the ones who try to keep their goods from getting stolen. Actually, there aren’t only two kinds, there are more like four. But I always liked dividing things into opposites like that. It always sounds so serious and true. Anyway, I think most of these commercials were thought of while on the mean streets of life. You watch that silly rabbit trying to score some Trix® over and over again, and fond memories of those crackheads down on Vine come flooding back. I wish I was kidding. Barney is continually stealing Pebbles® (both fruity and cocoa) from his bestest friend Fred. I guess, at least, in order to keep thing light-hearted and friendly, by the end, Fred just lets Barney have them at the last minute. But you know that if the commercial were allowed to play out naturally, it would always end with some disturbing torture scene. Or at least, that is how they always end whenever I let my mind wander. That fucking Barney. He’s such a weaselly bastard.
Then we see the poor, paranoid characters trying to keep their merchandise away from crazed, greedy, fiending little children and clumsy cartoon oafs. There is the Rastafarian monkey who sings a little jingle about his Cocoa Krispies® , and how everyone is out to get them. Rather paranoid, don’t you think? What other drug is linked to Jamaica and typically causes paranoia? Hmmm. And that leprechaun for Lucky Charms® is continually getting fucked with, as most leprechauns are, I guess. Perhaps those Lucky Charms® commercials are more of a reflection on society’s hatred for the Irish than they are a metaphor for LSD. It’s always hard to guess what those depraved commercial-writers are up to.
You drug-addled old coot!
Also found are those characters who take samples of the product in question and hit the roof and freak out, to show the consumers just how “groovy” and “bitchin’” the reaction you get from taking it is. Besides that Honeycomb® “Craver,” which will be discussed more in-depth a little later, as the Post Cereals website is actually useful and easily navigated, as opposed to that damned Kelloggs site, which is just there to fuck your mind until you just give up in anger – the character which immediately pops into my mind is Sonny, or possibly Sunny, the Coo Coo Bird who “goes coo coo for Coco Puffs®.” He appears to have been created in the late 1960s or ’70s, with long hair-feathers and an addiction for “puffs” – just like all of the youths of that generation. He was probably one of the first cereal mascots kids could really identify with, man. And there he was, totally tripping out when he took just one bite of this foodstuff. Kids of the day knew instinctively that the Coco Puffs were “good shit.”
More commonly, though, we see the mascots who act as a guide and friend to children, showing them the way. Cap’n Crunch is fairly sinister in nature when I think of him… an old sailor that kids willingly hang out with. And he provides them with “crunchberries.” And he also does stuff to impress children, like destroy public museums with his strange land-ship and rescue the bored little monsters from “educational experiences.” Toucan Sam, the South American bird, urges children to “follow [their] nose[s].” I don’t know about you, but when I think of South America and noses, I think of following a line or lines of cocaine with a nose. Not necessarily my own. Tony the Tiger seems to be on the up and up, usually. Except that he boasts that his cereal is a “taste adults have grown to love,” which hints at a very addictive substance, indeed. Perhaps Frosted Flakes® are not unlike cheap vodka and whiskey. I just drew that parallel just now.
Me Want PCP — I Mean.. Honeycomb
I went to the Post Cereal Food Site and found these nice little quotes for us to read.
“This sweetened corn and oat cereal has a unique honeycomb shape and a honey-sweet taste that kids have been craving for more than 30 years.”
I find that to be very telling. Their intentions were laid out for the world to see right there. They also went a step further and defined craving better than I ever could have. They made my point for me.
crav-ing\’kra-vin
Definition: An intense, urgent, desire or hunger.
Craver Fun Facts: Hobbies: Crunching, gulping, slurping, slamming bowls of sweet and crunchy Honeycomb®, etc., etc., etc.
Favorite Foods: Honeycomb® cereal with milk, Honeycomb® out of box, Honeycomb® with box, although cardboard gives him gas.
Age:Unknown for sure, but rumored to be somewhere between 6 and 16.
Favorite Music:Anything that can be slurped to.
Favorite Quote:“Me want Honeycomb®!”
Wish:For everyone on the planet to forget their differences and dive into a bowl of Honeycomb® together.
Settle down there, chief. It'll only last a little while longer.
I liked that touch of sweet, peaceful hippie crap at the end there. Actually, when we view commercials for this sweet honeyed cereal, one of my personal favorites, actually – we see that when ordinary children slurp and slam bowls of this product, they are subject to amazing transformations. Their eyes dilate, their speech patterns reduce to 2 year old levels, they spin and jump around the kitchen or park, fucking shit up and raising all kinds of hell. That’s just the thing Honeycomb encourages, it seems. Hmmmm, let us compare:
PCP’s effects on the brain inhibit the user’s ability to concentrate, to think logically, and to articulate. Dramatic changes in perception, thought, and mood occur. While some users experience mild to intense euphoria, others feel threatened and because of fear, anxiety, or panic – can behave violently. The drug may also release hidden emotional or mental problems.
At this point, are you even surprised anymore?
Corn Pops: Apparently the Most Terrifyingly Addictive Substance On Earth
“Sweetened, puffed-up corn cereal.” That’s how the Kelloggs page chooses to define those little unassuming yellow round cereal bits that teens in commercials have nearly broken down and killed for. The ingredients do not list crack-cocaine or heroin, so it is a mystery as to how Corn Pops, possibly the most boring-looking of all cereals, has had the most violent deaths linked to its name.
Just watch a commercial. They all pretty much follow the same formula. A happy-go-lucky teen or “tween” discovers that he or she (usually he) is kind of hungry – for his favorite food in all the world of course. So he walks into the kitchen, community park, garage, swamp, school cafeteria, stranger’s property, and begins searching for the Corn Pops. Then his mom, best friend, principal, elderly person, witchdoctor, preacher, absolute stranger says, “Don’t bother looking for those Corn Pops – they are all gone from here.” The main character pales. No Corn Pops? What is he to do? A frightening inner monologue begins at this point, where the hero becomes more and more panicked, angered, murderous until he is nearly at the breaking point. At this moment, he slams his fists onto the table, or turns around suddenly, as if searching for the nearest stabby object. However, before the real violence begins in earnest, the adult or friend either finds a new box, some leftover in the old box, some incredibly aged Corn Pops half-chewed near a mouse hole, or reveals that he or she has actually purchased a new box while at the grocery. The situation is resolved, and our unstable youth is shown munching cheerfully and thinking “I gotta have my Pops.”
Does that not seem like a terribly disturbing way to sell a product?
In fact, Corn Pops commercials have inspired me to make a brief little comic here. Something that I expect to actually see between cartoons as early as next year, if Kelloggs accepts my tentative script! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Scribbled in record time
I think I have a very easy way to show you guys just how much the effects of Corn Pops resemble that of crack-cocaine. When you read this, it will speak for itself. I just took a passage describing crack, and just replaced the drug with descriptions of the cereal. When I originally did this, I was shocked beyond all recognition. My face actually contorted and twisted out of true, I was that shocked.
“High doses of Corn Pops and/or prolonged use can trigger paranoia. Eating the sweetened puffed-up corn cereal can produce a particularly aggressive paranoid behavior in users. When addicted individuals stop using “the Pops,” as they are known on the street, they often become depressed. This also may lead to further consumption of Corn Pops use to alleviate depression, at any cost.”
Convinced?
I Think I Just Did More Investigation For This Article Than I Ever Have For Any School Research Paper
Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that breakfast cereals are far more sinister in nature than we ever quite realized before. I encourage you all to keep an eye on all of those advertisements, and feel free to email or message me about any other pieces of startling evidence that you notice. I really haven’t been watching enough television lately to be on top of the current devious trends in addicting children to breakfast food. … I would have made this a very typically long-winded Amanda-style conclusion, but quite frankly, I am exhausted. Also, I think I can only repeat the Point of the whole article use the words “cereal” and “drugs” so many times before they lose all meaning to me.
20th Apr2009
Oddities and Mysteries
I’ve spent the better part of tonight reading a book I picked up earlier at Barnes and Noble titled Weird U.S. It’s basically a huge collection of odd locations and oddities from around America. So far it’s only gone to show me just how fucked up America is in general, as some of the places in the book are simply hard for me to even believe. From the melonheads of Ohio, to the portals to Hell located in New Jersey, it’s all pretty far out there. Well, maybe not the portals of Hell in New Jersey. That’s just common fact now.
I'm pretty sure "Official Portal to Hell" is proudly trumpeted in all New Jersey tourism pamphlets nowadays
I, personally, am a huge fan of things that are considered “oddities”. Things that have no real place in any category. Something that can’t be classified as normal, but at the same time can’t be denied for what it is. You simply have to look at it, tilt your head, and say, “Man, that’s really fucked up.” Now I can’t really say that I’m one of those freaks that chase around ghosts and UFOs with cameras and a psychic friend that can communicate with the netherworlds. I’m not that motivated. But a lot of things like that do fascinate me, and that carries over to some of the other lesser oddities that usually get passed over. So any time you collect any amount of that into a book that isn’t written by an “expert” that believes the St. Louis Arch is a portal for alien motherships invisible to the naked eye, then I’m all over it. (more…)
18th Apr2009
Hentai Review: Magical Twilight
(Please note that I was largely writing this review from memory, and refused to watch this movie over again for accuracy’s sake. So if you notice certain parts of the movie in places they shouldn’t be, or entire scenes omitted, then consider yourself lucky) (more…)
16th Apr2009
Waiting To See What Develops
Ever eaten something and thought to yourself ”Oh how good” and “Oh how bad” at the same time? I just did, and I’m a bit worried as I type this. (more…)
16th Apr2009
OMGJ Literary Corner Presents: Pre-Teen Horse Fiction EXPOSED
This afternoon, I was speaking with my longtime friend about books we enjoyed as children. She spoke well of a book she had read so many years ago that was about a mighty, wild stallion who was captured by humans. They tried to break his fierce spirit every way they knew how, but he endured and managed to live the rest of his days free once again. I cannot remember if he escaped or if the people involved realized that he was of more worth out there in the great wide open, a symbol to us all for spiritual freedom and .. uh.. trotting or whatever. I have always been pretty superbad at deciphering literary symbolism. (more…)
14th Apr2009
Let Radioshack’s “Affordable Transportable” Cell Phone Make Your Life Easier
We all take technology for granted. Even as much of a tech geek as I am, I still get mad when my phone can’t browse the Internet while I’m taking a call. Or that it doesn’t offer me real turn by turn GPS navigation. Sometimes though, you have to step back, and gawk at how bad things were in the past before we can remember how lucky we are now. Just think, 15 years ago, we were all walking around with beepers. Remember those? Yeah I’m trying to forget them too.
12th Apr2009
Celebrate Easter With A Rabbit Made Out Of Filth And Toenails
Nothing says Easter like a cute rabbit made out of chocolate, sometimes even filled with even awesomer things like chocolate or fake marshmallow. That’s good shit. (more…)
09th Apr2009
One More Reason To Love Japan
Can Japan get any more insane? Probably. But this is a pretty awesome little gem unto itself. (more…)
05th Apr2009
Guide to Being Emo
For all the various groups that have been screaming for attention in the last five or so years, like the goths, the anime kids, and even the damn furries, few have been as vocal, or numerous, as the emo crowd. Represented by virtually your basic teen and College student everywhere, emo kids are easily identified as the people you will most likely mistake as a depressed homeless person. Only instead of alleys and abandoned basements, emo kids can be found in small throngs at your local mall foodcourt, and their parents’ basements. A group defined by their emotions, they live to show that there can be a group of human beings somehow even more infinitely annoying than anime fans. (more…)
02nd Apr2009
Hentai Review: Sex Taxi
So a friend of mine messaged me the other day telling me I should review this horrible hentai movie she watched while drunk. (more…)
01st Apr2009
Comic: A Made Up Story
There was once a time when I did not give good titles, could not use perspective, nor did I bother to make things visually pleasing with black blocks or anything. This was one of those times! (more…)
