OMGJeremy

Guide to Being An Anime Fangirl

I’m sure you’re all aware of that whole “anime” thing. There’s really no reason to go into details explaining what everyone in America has had shoved down their collective throats over the last few years. Thanks mostly to major networks who suddenly got the idea after the success of Pokemon and Dragonball Z, that if it comes from Japan, and is animated, then they MUST AIR IT. No matter what it is. All they figure is that if it’s got some goofy lookin’ cartoon characters with big eyes, the kids will watch it. And for the most part, kids are dumb enough to like it. It’s the only way that I can fathom why SD Gundam even exists.

The unfortunate side-effect to this is that the sudden flood of bad anime into the western hemisphere has created some sort of new breed of humans. This usually effects younger kids, mostly females, around the ages of 10-18, who become so attached to anime that the only way they can go on living is to act JUST LIKE their favorite anime characters. They talk like them, dress like them, try to act like them, and god help their souls, they even try to role play as them. This unfortunate condition is what we like to call the “Hardcore Anime Fangirl”.

Not only is she annoying, but her front teeth could probably gnaw through diamond

Now I’m certainly not saying that all anime fangirls are like this. I’m also not saying that guys can’t be just as bad. It’s just that the females are usually the ones who stand out the most in the area of “Person You Want to Lock in the Trunk of A Car Forever.” At least with most guys, they’re simply doing it to try and get a sweaty blowjob from a fangirl at a convention. And for the guys who aren’t doing it for that, then they’re probably gay, so that rules them out altogether. Because no one really cares what gay guys do anymore. It’s pretty much expected.

Girls on the other hand, as far as I can tell, are not trying to get oral sex from acting like a deranged 11 year-old girl on speed. So why DO they do it? I don’t know. I think they do it soley to annoy the unholy fuck out of me. BUT, even though I don’t exactly know why they do it, I think I can help any budding hardcore anime fangirls out there who may want in on this exciting new venture. Because if there’s anyone on Earth who knows just what it takes to annoy the hell out of me, it’s…. me. So let’s take a look at several steps that you should master if you’re looking to become a fangirl, and have fun annoying the hell out of everyone you know.  Especially me, like I keep saying.

Step 1: Learn A Couple of Japanese Words and Use Them in Every Sentence

And by this, I don’t mean try to learn any serious amount of Japanese. Not even enough to form a basic sentence, either. Basically, what you’re gonna be looking to learn are a few select words that can be used ad-nauseum in virtually every sentence you vomit out of your brain. Let’s go over a couple:

• Kawaii – Pronounced “Kuh-why.” Use this word whenever you want to say that something is cute. For example, if you see a small mangy alley cat that’s riddled with disease, you will point to it and scream “OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!” Your friends, depending on who you’re with, will either scream in girly excitement, or punch you in the throat until you can’t ever speak again. If you’re going to be the type of Anime fan girl that is hopelessly annoying, then you’re going to be using this word a lot.

• Baka – Pronounced “Bah-kuh.” Baka basically means stupid, dumb, retarded, etc. You’ll most often use this word to jokingly refer to your friends, who will no doubt come to hate you forever even after three or four uses of it. But that’s the price you’ll have to pay to be an anime fangirl.

Let’s look at a quick example:

Friend: I just tested HIV positive
You: AWWW YOU ISH SO BAKA. BAKA HEAD! SO BAKA!

That’s pretty much all you’ll need for right now. Those two words alone will cause endless hours of teeth-gritting hatred amongst your friends. Try to mix them up for fun. Let’s see how we can combine the two words we learned into a coherent conversation:

Friend: Can’t you understand? I have AIDs. I’m going to die.
You: AWW WITTLE GIRL SO SAD! HERE ISH KAWAII DRAWING FOR BAKA FRIEND!
Friend: I’m going to kill myself. You can have my cat.
You: OMG KITTY ISH SO KAWAII!
Friend: I hate you.

Good job! Now, keep practicing until you’re good enough that people will start throwing rocks at you if you come within twenty feet of them.

Step 2: Don’t Forget Emoticons. Ever

Emoticons, by themselves, are pretty damn annoying if put in the wrong hands. And thanks to the whole anime thing, kids with far too much time to examine various keyboard keys have come up with a large selection of anime-style emoticons. Let’s take a look at some, and what they mean:

• ^_^         I am happy
• ^___^       I am happy, but have a wide mouth
• ^_^;      I am happy, yet sweaty
• >_>         I am looking to the right
• <_<         I am looking to the left
• ;__;         I am crying
• O__O       I am shocked
• X__X        I have died somehow

See? All pretty basic. You’ll need to learn how to incorporate those into pretty much every sentence you type. But don’t let these little simple emoticons stop you from experimenting with your very own custom anime emoticons. The great thing about these is that they’re already so shitty and incomprehensible that you can make your very own, and no one will ever notice. Let’s look at a few that I just now made up, and the meanings that go along with them:

• %__%                         I have an STD on my eyes. Please avoid contact with me.
• 2____5                        I just had the numbers 2 and 5 tattooed on my eyes for no reason.
• d__Y;;;;;                   I am sorry to hear that you are the King of Egypt. I appreciate the flowers.
• <______O>;;;;;;;;     There is a Manta Ray in my pants
• &&_________!;;;    I just finished raping your mother, and have defecated on myself.

Excellent. Now that you have your various emoticons, it’s time to use them in a real conversation!

Friend: Hello.
You: OMG HELLO! ^____^
Friend: How are you
You: I AM FINE ^o^ >___>;;;;;;;;;;;;
Friend: Okay
You: O_O;;;;;;; -_____- >o>
Friend: Stop that
You: 6__gh;;;
Friend: *signs off*
You: ;_______________________________________;

Also, don’t forget to throw in tons of “modern” lingo into your sentences, like “teh kewliez” and “Kewt.” With enough practice, you’ll be typing like all anime fangirls aspire to type: Like a 10 year-old child with cerebral palsy .

Step 3: Guys That Look Like Girls Turn You On

Yeah, he could probably pass for a pretty ugly girl

The whole thing sweeping Japan right now is that it’s totally hot for guys to try and look as much like girls as possible. Somehow, the women in Japan find this highly attractive. Especially when two effeminate men rub all over each other. This is referred to as “Yaoi,” which basically means “Gay sex,” which makes me want to “punch myself in the cock (nonsexually).” But hey, what do I know when it comes to what girls want?

Evidently nothing at all. Since this is one of the qualities you’ll need to have if you want to be in the uber-fangirl section at your next anime convention. Nothing should turn you on more than a guy… that looks exactly like a girl. He should dress like a girl, talk like a girl, wear makeup, and be extremely thin. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that I just described a drag queen. But as most anime fangirls will strike me down for even COMPARING the two, I will point out that the main difference between a drag queen and a Japanese Yaoi couple is that the drag queen probably wears less makeup, and is probably less likely to act like some art fag with 200 pounds of prick stuck up their ass.

Now even though I’m well aware that this whole step screams of girls getting turned on by other girls, which may be a bit disconcerting to most guys who just so happen to unfortunately not look like some A-sexual freak, keep in mind you ARE talking about hardcore anime fangirls. So most of them probably look more like a guy than any of their fanboy crushes.

Oh, I forgot this is a guide for girls. So yeah, you’re probably a lesbian anyway.

Step 4: Learn to Draw Yourself As A “Chibi”

What’s a chibi you ask? Why it’s a super-deformed caricature of yourself, of course! This is what all the big time anime fangirls do during most of their art classes in school. Instead of learning solid techniques that you can use to make wonderful drawings, you’ll be ignoring all of that, and instead using your time drawing ugly, fat little cartoons that more or less resemble a dead baby fetus dressed in a school uniform.

But you may be saying “I have no art talent Jeremy! Whatever will I do? And also will you let me run my tongue down your chest?” Of course I will. But as for art talent, you need none. Just learn a few common circles and rectangles, and simply reuse them for every drawing you’ll ever retch out of that enfeebled mind of yours. So how’s it supposed to look? Let’s take a look at a few people, and what your bishi art of them should look like:

In a perfect world, anyone who drew such things would be burned on sight with those flamethrowers they used in the movie Aliens. It is not a perfect world though. And in this world of anime fangirls, that is KAWAII!!!

Step 5: Make an Online Journal

This is pretty simple. Basically your online journal should just be an extension of yourself, only it should be their for people to know what’s going on in your life 24 hours a day. This really doesn’t need to be anything important. It can be anything really . Mostly you’ll want to stick with running on and on about guys you’re too embarrassed to talk to, or posting your favorite J-Pop lyrics. Let’s take a look at an actual livejournal for example:

“Wednesday, December 10th, 2003: Oh no… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS! Sammy bunny is supposed to be going to Cornwall Sunday but he needs to hand in coursework on Monday… doh! Ill have to try and do it all Thursday… if not… then… I dunno O.o Ill have to talk to the ever so kawaii (and new queen of kawaiiness seeing as I am divorced from you know who =P) Ezzy-chan, my lil sister and wife o.o; More little sister though! *baps her* Ill phone her tonighty! “

Wow, that’s pretty fucking annoying, so it’s exactly what you’re looking for. For further examples, go here. Also, don’t forget to write the occasional erotic fanfic for your favorite anime. There’s just something magical about having your favorite two male anime characters sticking their index fingers into each other’s asses.

Update: It appears the person who wrote that journal is actually a GUY. That just makes me sad inside.

Step 6: Dress Like Your Favorite Character

Hideously attractive

This is pretty much a given, since you’re already entrenched in everything involving your favorite anime characters, the next logical step is to dress up like them. It’s not that hard, as most anime characters these days appear to have just grabbed a few random things that fit around their body and called it an outfit. Let’s take a look at a few things that you should most definitely have on your list of things to wear:

• Cat Ears – Because nothing says “Cute Anime Girl” like giant fuzzy cat ears strapped to your head.
• Japanese School Girl Uniform – See above, but expect to be raped with tentacles soon after you put it on.
• Giant Loose Socks – Remember back in the eighties when giant leg warmers were all the rage? No? Okay I’m old. But they were. They were also hideous, as you’d expect anything worn on the human body in the eighties to be. Okay, so fast forward to the 21′st century, and Japanese girls are now wearing almost the same exact thing; Giant socks. Socks so large that most of these Japanese girls could fit their entire body into them. This is what you want to wear.

Though if your character requires more than just a casual throw-rug, you’ll probably have to be a bit more creative. And by creative, I mean just use whatever it takes to get the look you want. Bed sheet? Check. Disposable diapers? There ya go. Hell, use car parts if you have to. Who gives a fuck anymore anyway. Just don’t forget the sparkles and paste. The end result should be close to this:

Good God.

Conclusion:

And there you have it. Pretty much everything you need to know about getting in with all the “cool” fangirls at the conventions. Follow these steps exactly as we’ve shown, and you’ll begin seeing results almost immediately. Some good. Most bad though. But that’s the life you’ll have to live. Make sure that you’re fully willing to lose any ability to feel shame that you may have once had, along with most of your mind. But I think the end result will be more than worth it:

An excuse for me to kick you in the kidney when I see you.