OMGJeremy

Dead Again… and Again

I have a friend (though the word friend is probably not even worth using since I haven’t spoken to this person in years) who has apparently died twice… and risen from the grave each single time. You see this is someone I used to talk to long long ago (back in the 90′s…remember those?), and we lost touch and have not spoken for probably 6 or 7 years now. Well I get an email from this friend’s brother telling me that this person has passed away (this first email was probably about 5 years ago) in a tragic car accident. It’s sad when anybody dies, but this person was so far removed from my life that I almost felt bad that I couldn’t muster up much more than a “I’m really sorry to hear that” and then hit the reply button feeling somewhat indifferent.

A year goes by… and the plot thickens. I get an email telling me that this person was NOT, in fact, dead, but it was merely a joke. I re-read the email a solid 4 times before it hits me what is going on. Once again I am so indifferent to the whole matter that I send out a “Well thats good to hear!” and hit reply. However I am also feeling somewhat angry that this person is probably sitting in front of their computer laughing their ass off in the thoughts that they really got one over on me and that I am probably an emotional roller-coaster now. And I hate when people assume that they are doing something that is funny and reaction-drawing when in reality it is not.

Two years go by, and I get an email (I’ve had plenty since then mind you, I HAVE FRIENDS). Apparently this is from another source, a name is dropped that I recognize as far as the sender goes, so I see it as legit. This person tells me that this friend has in fact passed away for sure, and that I have to believe it. They say that they know I was fooled into thinking it in the past, but this is the real deal. Okay so when someone TELLS you to think a certain way, it usually means that the opposite is true. Once again I type up a “Wow thats really weird, I’m sorry to hear that.” By the way, if you ever have personal tragedy and I send you an email saying “I’m sorry to hear that,” in your case I probably really do mean it. Don’t think that is my generic way to say, “Leave me alone, you shit.”

ANOTHER YEAR goes by and I get one last email. It is this persons brother again, ONCE AGAIN proving his super-smartness by fooling poor me again. He says he is sorry to do it again, but he couldn’t miss the opportunity (apparently since I seemed so upset last time). He also apologized for all of the time between his emails, but it seems that he got out emails when he wasn’t in jail. That is right, within the last 6 years this fellow has been to jail 4 times…each time for about a year-long stretch.

Then it hits me, something really disturbing. He gave off the impression that he emailed me as soon as he got out each time. Did he sit in jail almost dying to get to a computer? Did he lay down on his prison-bed, staring up at the top bunk… laughing to himself at the thoughts of sending an email to a confused young man that would surely cause him to gather up a bottle of pills that were not his? At lunch did he dip his finger in his applesauce and write out the words he would one day email me on the prison-table? Did he do the things that only women usually do with the prisoners who did the tele-marketing jobs in the hopes that they could gain him access to their computer so he could type out his opus of deception a few months sooner? I have a lot of questions, but I will not send them.

I will let this man walk away with his victory… and I will also wait another year (or longer depending on what he ends up serving hard time for next) for what will surely be the next move in our e-chess game we have going. Of course it’s going to end like a sitcom. When this person really does die and a family member emails me with good intentions of just delivering this news in their hearts, I will respond with a string of curses and violent threats that will push them just a little too far over the edge in their already fragile state. Then I’m sure a year later I will get an email in which I am told that my horrible email caused that person to kill themself.

Then a year after that…