Guide to Shopping At A Hardware Store
The fun starts here.
If you have ever wanted to know just what it would take to make your local hardware store employee go stark raving mad, and run through the streets shouting profanities at inanimate objects, then here you go, kiddo, this is all for you. I guarantee it’ll work, since I used to be the guy that was terrorized a thousand times over when I worked at Ace Hardware what seems like 60 years ago. Below I’ll describe in detail the components that you require to add that certain “something” to your average under-paid under-appreciated hardware store employee, such as myself. With this in mind, grab your notebook and nearest bloody stump or other writing utensils to take down notes, because I’m only saying this once. Actually I’m writing it and as it turns out it will probably be here for quite a while for thousands of people to view. Fucking technology.
A (Brief) Guide on How to Shop At A Hardware Store
You must not know what you need:
Does this look confusing to you? Good work. Now go find an employee to ask what every single one of those things are.
This is an important step, as any hardware store employee will tell you that 90% of all customers who come in have no clue as to what they want. In fact, most of the time you don’t even need to be looking for hardware, as it seems most people seem to think that your local hardware store is home to every type of product ever produced by mankind. So the next time you walk into your local hardware store, do not be afraid to ask the employee where you can find a box of tampons. If he points to the door leading to the stockroom then you have succeeded insomuch that you will either find a box of tampons in the stockroom, or you will be beat down by several employees with large pipes.
It also helps if after continuously having the employee tell you that they do not, in fact, carry any type of live animals, you follow him around the store asking him if he, “is totally positive?” and that, “[you] are sure [your] friend said you carried them.” If you do this correctly, then sooner or later the employee will lose any remaining sanity and will probably find the nearest sharp object to shove into your crotch, or use his remaining teeth to chew your nose off. If he does either of those, then congratulations, you have succeeded in your mission.
Your body odor must be able to melt skin:
Another important rule to being a true hardware customer is having body odor so vile that most anyone that comes within a 30-foot radius of you will lose 20 years off of their life span just by inhaling the noxious fumes coming off of your stomach. There is nothing better than being able to approach a random employee and watch their hopes and futures dissolve into a festering pile of goo the instant that your odor makes contact with their nasal cavity. You can recognize if this is so if you notice that the employee’s face goes from “pleasantly nice” to “I am being raped by this man’s odor” in a matter of seconds. You may also get bonus points if your breath is bad enough to bring down a grown rampaging elephant.
You must not be able to speak English, or any language known to man:
So you know exactly what you need from the hardware store. You have it all planned out and should have no problem having an employee locate your part for you. That is if you knew how to speak a language that does not require the Rosetta stone to translate. The only way that you will be able to communicate to the employee what you want will be by making nonsensical sounds with your mouth and waving your arms frantically, as if playing some kind of ungodly game of “see who can become more frustrated and urinate on the other person first.” It also helps if you are able to have a small legion of your children that your wife seemingly gives birth to at a rate of two per week, and unleash them onto the various aisles, to show the employee that if he does not translate your fluent Eastern Mongolian tongue in the next two minutes, that he will be next.
You must not be wearing the minimum amount of clothes required by law:
Your typical hardware customer.
Imagine the reception you will receive when you walk into your local hardware store wearing a pair of sweat pants that only seem to exist on another plane of reality, and a shirt that has a coffee stain on it so large that it can be mistaken as a large storm system by weather satellites. If you can also put your shirt on, yet have it show 98% of your fat, swollen gut that seems to be seeping some type of liquid from your gaping naval hole, then you are on the right track to having the employees evacuate the store and quarantine the area, securing safety for future generations of humanity. If you can combine this section with the odor section then you are on the way to becoming a one-man death crew. It is not uncommon for someone to come into a hardware store with the above qualities and instantly close down an entire chain of hardware stores within a few minutes after bending over to get something low to the ground, raising back up, and producing a wedgie consisting of your underwear, the remains of your sweatpants, and any store merchandise and clientele that was standing within ten feet of the massive suction caused by your ass cheeks being spread apart.
You must not be sober:
Once you are able to master the above qualities, you will be able to move onto something a little more advanced like getting so drunk that if you so much as come within two feet of an employee you will vomit on them and then die. This can take practice as consuming the amount of liquor necessary to be drunk enough to enter a hardware store is almost impossible by human standards. Only the most advanced of drinkers are able to get to a state of drunkenness that can be associated with shopping in a hardware store. It usually requires several days of straight drinking, followed by several more days of drinking. If you get into your second week without having your liver turn into a black hole and implode then you should be sufficiently drunk enough to go shopping for the parts to build a working water treatment system. Just be sure not to come within 30 feet of an open flame, as the amount of alcohol seeping from your flesh could cause you to accidentally take out several city blocks, which is never a good thing because you would then have to find a new hardware store to go to.
Are you drunk enough to cause this wreck? Yes? Then you're still not drunk enough to shop in a hardware store.
These are all the examples I can come up with for now, as they are by far the most common. Other important ones include:
- Being so old you cannot walk without several medical devices connected to your dying husk.
- Not being able to differentiate between metal and plastic
- Having a body mass so large you could easily declare yourself as a new republic
- Coming into the hardware store, period.
With these simple rules in mind you should easily be able to go into any hardware store and feel instantly at home. Not only will you be able to find thousands of every day home improvement items, but you will also most assuredly leave the store that you have caused at least one grown man to weep openly.
