OMGJeremy

PMS: the Horrible Feminine Vortex of Doom

Being a girl is one of the best things ever to happen to me. My gender allows me to live in a pink world filled with unicorns, kittens, pillows, sweets, and all manner of nice things. I get to Girl Talk, rely on boys to lift heavy objects for me, and indulge in all of the hobbies that straight boys are at risk to display interest in for fear of being targets of homophobic maniacs. Also, for a few days every month, I am allowed to be a hyper-emotional psychobitch from the deepest regions of Hell with very little in the way of consequences. Other girls understand and allow it (unless they are also in that time of the Most Terrible of Cycles), and boys understand just enough to try to ignore it. This bittersweet reward is known as the PMS.

So What Exactly Am I Trying To Say?

This article isn’t going to be a guide for helping boys to better cope and appease the women in their lives during this bleak moment. Every girl houses a specific, unique, terrible tapestry of physical and psychological freakishness, and it changes with every PMS. So it is nigh to impossible to write a comprehensive list on how you could meet your ladies’ needs. It just isn’t going to happen, fellows.

It also isn’t going to be an all pro-girl estrogen love fest where I will speak highly of females and hate on men, like those crazy feminists I hear about. So don’t worry about that, either. I think what I will do is just speak frankly about what exactly happens. I will touch on some of the more common symptoms, and mention some interesting facts. I will also attempt to dispell myths, rumors, and vicious lies! Maybe this article will read like a malformed textbook that tries to be humorous sometimes, but only winds up sounding very, very sad. Oh boy!

The Horrible Facts

This is an OMGJeremy.com first, ladies and gentlemen. I have actually consulted TWO resources concerning the Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. So I’m not going to be totally making up my information, like we usually do. This is actually going to be… informative!

One page tells me that PMS occurs 7 to 10 days before the feminine bleeding, otherwise known as the Sticky Red Flow. That’s right, gentlemen. There is only a 7 – 10 days span in which any women in your life have a reason to be mean to you… for seemingly no reason at all. And for the record, saying, “Uh oh, it must be That Time of the Month again,” especially when it is NOT That Time of the Month, IS a reason for your girl to be mean to you. It’s just the most annoying thing.

Also, since I know that no one under the age of 18 should be reading this site, so that we can avoid the future wraths of retarded parents, I am going to guess that even those readers who have never gotten to know women firsthand realize that PMS happens before the period. That is why it is PRE-Menstrual. If someone out there did not realize that, you may excuse yourself from reading any further so that you may re-enlist in sixth grade.

My little health book that I am consulting here in my own home told me that 90% of all women experience the symptoms of this lovely syndrome. How god awful is that? I’m no math expert, but I’m willing to bet that 90% of the female population equals a METRIC FUCKLOAD of ladies. And when you think that PMS has over 150 symptoms associated with it we must all marvel and wonder as to why the entire world has not been burnt down, repeatedly, every day, by masses of angry, angry women for a million years.

This Is The Section Where I Babble A Little And Then Have A Paranoid Outburst About PMS Conspiracy Theorists

Well, I tried to find a list of all 150 symptoms, but it is surprisingly hard to find. In fact, I’m beginning to think that one doesn’t exist. Some people don’t even believe in PMS. They think it is all a huge feminine hoax so that girls can get away with being horrid bitches. These are the same people who disbelieve the Moon landing, the Holocaust, and Early American Black Slavery. I am sure that they will feel that the lack of a complete list of symptoms is proof that females at the very least exaggerate. A lot. I am not here to argue that, though. I am just here to show you the little list of 80 Or So Symptoms of Terror that I found. This is how I will do it: I will divide them up into five categories and then say a few words after the list. Also, pictures will be involved, again. Pretty standard, I suppose.

Get Off My Back! You Don’t Know Me, You Don’t Know A Thing About Me!

Behavioral Symptoms of PMS: crying spells, lethargy, hostility, acting out, impatience, absenteeism, indecisiveness, marital discord, increased interpersonal conflicts, frequent waking, hypersomnia, insomnia, difficulty attaining orgasm, more time spent in brooding or resentments, increased expressions of pessimism, restlessness, self mutilation, social withdrawal, decreased productivity/efficiency, carbohydrate binges, accident-prone, temper outbursts, and decreased coordination.

Reading that list, I am sure the reader experiences a heightened sense of love and understanding for the delicate, peaceful female human. When you step back and look at her in all her pissed off glory as she rashly strikes out at any target, her swollen, tear-streaked cheeks packed with pasta and pastries, you see that nature has truly made the most emotionally fucked up creature on earth.

I know that I personally enjoy it when I wake up in the morning, stagger out of bed, run into a few end tables which I then threaten, very loudly, to break them into fucking kindling if they ever get in my way like that again, eat a tub of macaroni and cheese and then break down into tears because I know I shouldn’t have eaten that much, I can confidently look at the calendar and KNOW that I have ten days left until my period starts. It really is like clockwork, you know. I bet you boys are jealous of this intuitive feature we have. I bet you are also impressed that I just totally overused the word “know” and don’t appear to give one good goddamn. Who asked you to judge me? Fuckers.

And Then The Body Turns Into A Highly Developed Instrument Of Ache

Neurological Symptoms of PMS: tension headaches, neck aches, back aches, joint and muscle pain, migraines, dizziness (may be worse with diuretics), fainting, vertigo, heart pounding, worsening of seizure control, irritability, sound sensitivity, thirst, carbohydrate cravings, and chills.

So if you think that maybe girls should be level-headed enough not to completely bitch-attack any moving object, and really, they probably should exercise a little more compassion than that, you now must find a way to get us to overlook the myriad of aches and pains we must suffer through. I mean, look at that. We get headaches and pains, certain sounds make us mad, and we get to endure them knowing that NEXT week, we will have the Menstrual Cramps, which are often far worse than any normal human pain.

This is one aspect of being a girl about which I cannot find anything redeeming. Usually, PMS can be used as an alarm which reminds you that you will be bleeding soon. But the unbelievable mood swings and uncontrollable crying fits do well enough, we didn’t also need physical discomfort. The neurological symptoms should just go back to Hell, where they belong.

Super Disgusting Bodily Swelling

Glandular Symptoms of PMS: breast swelling (up to 20% larger), breast tenderness, worsening blood sugar control in diabetes, worsening symptoms of thyroid disease, fluid shifts/bloating, edema (tight clothes, shoes, rings), water retention, and acne

The female body is incredible. It can go from being a lovely, sleek figure one week, to a horrendous swollen, pimply, bloated bag of uncomfortable rippling flesh of foulness the next. And guys wonder why we suddenly have bouts of crippling self-esteem problems. It’s because we can see what our bodies can do! We generally hide and cover up during this time, so that only we witness the nauseating puffy growth. Also, this unfortunate incident takes place when we are at our most psychologically vulnerable, when we could find ourselves obsessing over the hideousness of a puppy that we own. “Oh no, would the neighbors find our puppy to be too ugly? Will they try to poison it so that they won’t have to look at it?”

Perhaps that’s WHY it occurs at the same time, actually. We are so caught up in thinking about how we are easily the most grotesque pieces of water-logged ham on the planet, so everything else we care about is spared. It’s tricky, but it just might be the explanation I was looking for. In fact, I know it is! I am justifying this whole experience like a pro! Go me!

Women And Men Agree: This Is The Biggest, And Most Annoying, Problem

Psychological Symptoms of PMS: depression or worsening control of chronic depression, which includes: feelings of hopelessness/helplessness, feelings worthlessness and inadequacy, sadness (can be very sudden), disinterest in usually valued or enjoyable activities, thoughts of suicide. Dysphasia, hard to find words, confusion, mood swings, anxiety, worsening control of panic attacks, tension, edginess, loneliness, forgetfulness, sexual disinterest, increased sexual desire, difficulty concentrating, more quick to tire, increased perception of stress, feeling overwhelmed or out of control, generalized fatigue, and delusions/hallucinations, which is pretty rare.

Ha ha! WOOO! To summarize that list, women, aged 20 – 50, turn into young teenage girls every month. But only mentally. That has got to be the shittiest curse ever to put on a gender. Going through puberty isn’t fun. You get all sorts of weird problems inside your head. And women get them every month.

Actually, now you can see why I didn’t bother to turn in this article last week, when I was actually having the majority of those symptoms just listed. I am still having a hard time with words, but I’m not as stressed, fatigued, confused, moody, and depressed as I had been. When you think of how many women are in the work force, it’s rather amazing how many things get done without colossal errors all the time. I think 40% of the American workforce is comprised of people of the feminine persuasion. That is a bucketful of insanity, if you ask me. Why are there not more shootings at work? How do things keep running? I’m surprised that you don’t walk into offices only to find that many of the women are laying face down on the floors under their desks, trying to forget how to live. Such strong and brave creatures they must be!

What Have Intestines Got To Do, Got To Do With It?

Gastrointestinal Symptoms of PMS: abdominal bloating, abdominal cramping, constipation, diarrhea, nausea, changes in appetite, and increased thirst is mentioned again.

Lovely. No, it really is just lovely. You know on those commercials for certain pills they sell to women, when they have the ladies all round and swollen out with the Bloat? That is actually exactly how it feels. It feels like your skin is being stretched to its limitations, you believe that if you were to be poked by a needle, you would pop. Loudly. They haven’t made commercials depicting the way cramps feel, however. I think it is because advertisements where women writhe around on the floor, knocking shit over and screaming the names of all of the saints and gods, and maybe some very graphic scenes of women actually tearing in half and bleeding to death in pools of their own bleeding waste may not go over well with Family Programming.

And Then The Uterus Explodes Into A Shiny Red Cloud Of Pain!

After the 7 – 10 days of tension, anger, depression, regret, paralyzing fears, paranoia, aches, pains, bloating, cramping, and a myriad of other physical and emotional problems, the Period itself begins. For many of us, it is heavensent. Likely, we were not impregnated during that time, and also, our PMS draws to an end. We are then left with wildly uncomfortable cramps for a day or two, and bleeding for 3 – 7 days, generally. But after that – we are free to be our “normal, functional” selves again. That is, for like a week or so until the Extremely Horny and Fertile Cycle kicks in, and then PMS again. Forever and ever until Menopause pretends to give us a relief. When really it is just trading one set of horrible scenes for another. Osteoporosis will rear its brittle head and break all of our hips in the process.

Yes, being a girl is really fabulous.