OMGJeremy

Hentai Review: Tokio Private Police

One thing I’ve noticed while sitting through what seems to be at least seven hundred million hours of hentai movies, is that there simply isn’t enough hentai movies in a science fiction setting. I mean, sure the typical Japanese High School settings that inhabit nearly 90% of hentai movies are fun and full of whimsy, but they do tend to get old after a while. And to the reviewers who actually have to review them (mostly just me), they eventually start to run into each other, with the only thing separating them being the ugly side-kick character that spouts out dirty jokes and makes witty yet highly amusing anecdotes about women’s vaginas.

And one could quickly point out that there’s that whole demon world setting in hentai movies, but that’s usually worse than the High School setting, since the only thing separating any given one of those is which tentacle monster makes the girl’s intestines explode out of her neck first, so it’s not exactly the variety I’m looking for. And if it were the kind of variety I was looking for, then I’d be very worried about myself. More so than I already am.

So a little variety is needed for me, since I often have trouble differentiating things in real life unless I happened to be in a different setting when something happened. And since I mostly sit here at home and prepare my body for post mortem, the result is that a good deal of my life all blends in together because it all happened here. Things would be different if I was in a much cooler setting, like Mars. But that’s not the case. So it’s no wonder that if I can’t have variety in real life, then by God I sure prefer it in my animated porn.

This is why we’ll be reviewing Tokio Police today. A wonderful little piece of shit of a movie, but it’s got a futuristic setting and a giant robot crab tank, so it easily gets the nod for this week’s review. Tokio Police seems to heavily parody the classic anime series Dominion Tank Police, where a bunch of cops straight out of the worst film of Police Academy ride around in weird little robot tanks and chase criminals while having humorous situations of some kind. Personally, I always liked Dominion Tank Police, if not for the gratuitous use of twin catgirl sluts as regular characters. Tokio Police seems to try and follow that basic premise while adding tons of awkward sex and horrible characters that are about as interesting as…well…you know where I’m going with this. It’s just bad. But at least it’s in the future, so maybe I’ll be able to sit through more than ten minutes of it without having to take periodic breaks to go to the bathroom and scream at myself in the mirror.

So let’s get on with today’s grand review of Tokio Police. We will be focusing on Episode two this time, which is good, since usually the first episode of any hentai is equivalent to having feces shoved down your throat thanks to the Japanese infatuation of using at least ten minutes for one character’s introduction. So thankfully, we’ll be skipping all of that in favor of an actual storyline, which appears to be the old “undersexed virgin needs the sex while fighting crime in a giant robot tank” storyline. I can’t wait.

Our main character in Tokio Police seems to be a red-haired girl who works with a group of three other people in her Police Squad. You’ve got your basic nerdy male interest who enjoys working with machines and denying that he loves our red-haired bitch, the slutty blonde-haired girl with the perfect anime body, and of course the large jockish muscular guy who takes every spare minute to fuck the aforementioned slut. It’s a fine team indeed. One that I’m hopeful will not cause too much pain in the twenty nine minutes that this movie runs. But I’ve been wrong before. Like the time I thought Cool Devices would be a wacky fun movie to waste time with, and then spent the next three days having to be coaxed into unlocking the bathroom door.

Anyway, it seems our main character (The red-haired girl if you’re not paying attention, or just smart) is having a hard time lately because she doesn’t seem to have the same kind of sex life her co-workers have. More specifically, the slut of the team, whom she watched fuck the jock in the locker room the previous night. She admits to herself at getting turned on by watching them, but doesn’t know how to go about doing anything about it since she’s a flat-chested anime girl that nobody wants. Well, maybe the other guy in the team wants her, but he’s a total dork. So what’s a girl to do? I suggest waiting approximately twenty five more minutes for the answer. In the meantime though, let’s just go with the fact that she’s a cold bitch.

Our team of heroic morons just so happen to be training to operate the massively ugly “crab tanks,” which mostly appear to be a robot cockroach with guns on it. Our team is separated into two groups for each tank; Our girl and the slut in one tank, and the nerdy guy and the jock in the other. And since it’s all but illegal to have men succeed in any competition with women anymore, the girls come out on top as the obviously retarded males fail miserably and fight amongst themselves like a couple of raging brainless dogs. It’s nice to see that hentai is keeping with current trends, since it’s obvious all of us males are complete fucktards who are all too busy scratching our balls and hollering to ever be good at anything. I hope when humanity is wiped out, and whatever intelligent life eventually finds what we left behind, that they will ultimately decide that the male species was totally ineffective and more likely to spit down your throat and spike a football on your face, unlike the females who are obviously SO FUCKING PERFECT.

Anyway, male angst aside, our girls are congratulated on their amazing jobs in the roach tank, so to relax a little they head off to sauna, where we get the much needed tit shot of the slut. Our girl finally complains that her sex life is nowhere near what it needs to be. The slut then explains to our girl that she just needs a nice big cock up her ass. Well, maybe not in those exact words, but the general meaning of what she *did* say was pretty close. The slut then directs her to the massage table where she shows her just what she’s missing by having hardcore lesbian sex with her. After watching G-Taste a few weeks ago, and now this, it’s apparent that lesbian sex can solve ANY problem. Depressed? Can’t get the lid of the mayonnaise jar? Just have your hot friend put her face in your vag and BINGO, all cured.

After our girl and the slut rub on each other for a while, she suddenly finds that her body feels different. Now, instead of being a cold bitch, she gets turned on by even the smallest things. The slut informs her that her body is just “awakening.” And the only thing she can do to help it is to get herself a man. But who would want her? The slut mentions the dork guy, but SUPER YUCKO, he’s like a total NERD! Speaking of our favorite nerd, he’s started noticing that maybe he *does* like her after all, he just never noticed it. But unfortunately for him, it seems the jock has also noticed her too, and what chances does a smart guy have against a hot jock? None, let me tell you. None at ALL. But wait…this is hentai, not real life, so maybe…just maybe….naaaaahhh! Such a notion is too laughable even for hentai.

Meanwhile, our red-haired girl is delivering some papers to her boss, who she just happened to run into while completely naked in the last episode which I thankfully missed. This guy just also happens to have the hots for our skinny bitch, so it’s only natural that he tries to put the moves on her in the cockpit of the roach mobile when he asks her to help him with some repairs. He comes damn close to succeeding too, as he nearly gets his tongue into her stomach, only to be interrupted by his secretary. This gives our girl just enough time to realize what she’s doing, and runs off, knowing full well what and who she wants.

But before we get to that, IT’S CRIME TIME! The alarms sound and that could only mean it’s time for our team of…whatever they are…to spring to action and show off the skills they’ve learned. It seems a few thieves have gotten the idea that they should rob an armored car with a tank, so we’re gonna get to see how much of a budget the animators decided to put into what little of an action sequence there is. Of course, since the men were total knobs and couldn’t catch a large red balloon in front of their face if they had to, the girls are selected for this mission, and off they go in their mighty crab tank of most-assured doom. Not surprisingly, the scene is pretty much bust, as it’s barely a scene at all. The girls get the robber with little to no effort and a couple of explosions, then return back to base where we can carry on the whole sex plotline. How gay.

So we return to base to see that the slut, not surprisingly, got turned on by the whole thing, and turns to the jock to take her out back and ram the excitement out of her. The slut informs our girl that maybe she should do the same. But with who? Well, our favorite nerd is sitting in the corner being pissy that nobody ever wants him, so why not? Our girl ignores it and goes over to write out the report on the suspects they just captured, but in a moment of pity (IE: weakness) she asks him to come over and help her. He refuses to help, but ultimately does because he’s a stupid guy that can’t say no to a girl that shows interest in him. Hey, I finally found a character in a hentai movie I can relate to. But unlike me, this guy doesn’t ultimately get laughed out of the room after he helps her, and instead our girl tells him that she’d really like to go out with him. HUH?!

It’s true, which is quickly confirmed by having a fairly long and highly annoying sex scene between the two of them. Annoying because the girl must be an absolute nutcase during sex, since she’s constantly screaming “DO YOU LIKE ME?! DO YOU LIKE ME?!” and occasionally stopping to reaffirm that, yes, his dick is inside of her. If she were with me, I’m not sure I could enjoy sex very much. I’d just punch her eventually…

Her: Do you see it Jeremy? You’re inside me…
Me: Would you please just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, after that, we’re treated to a small scene showing the team together off and running, doing what they do best, which I guess is hopping in their tanks and looking cool. And with that, the credits role, and we’re treated to another horrible Japanese song that could or could not have anything at all to do with the film.

And there you have it. It may have been hentai, but as you could probably tell, the futuristic setting made it infinitely more appealing. Even if the only reference in the movie that it took place at all in the future was a giant robot tank. But still, it helped. At least there were no sexy teachers or demon rape, and for this, I’m glad. Tokio Police isn’t a bad hentai movie, it’s just stupid, and so I guess I could recommend it. But recommending hentai movies still feels like recommending one disease over another. Like, “Hey, here’s a skin rash, it’s way better than that infected kidney.” So yeah, take it any way you want.

So that’s all for this week’s review, and yet another part of me has died inside. I’d say my dignity, but that ship has sailed long, long ago. I’m hoping that maybe it’s a lung. Only one more to go!

Pictures provided by 5house